Dad's death was unexpected and traumatic.

[temo]

Hello.
My dad recently passed away from Lung cancer, a diagnosis that he only received just under 4 weeks before his death.
I feel let down by the NHS, the non-existing palliative care, and others who were meant to support my dad and his family.
In some ways, I believe there is a failing with my dad’s care and in due course I will be retrieving his medical records to investigate this.
For now, I am having to navigate my unexpected grief and unexpected trauma. I was with my dad for his last 24hrs and it was a harrowing experience. There was no peace in his death, and I was often left pleading with the nurses on duty to help him.
It was so bad that the last words he ever managed to speak to me will forever haunt me…
“Gun.”
“Shoot.”
“I want to die.”
“This is torture.”
Following these words, he proceeded to attempt hitting himself in the chest with what little energy he had left in a bid to trigger a heart attack.
Unfortunately, that didn’t work and it took a few more agonising hours for him to eventually die.
I feel so alone and angry in this grief. Talking about this with family is out of the question as I’d prefer not to upset them with such details, but what do I do?
How do I move on and live with this for the rest of my life?

@itsachange2024 yes, and I know a few people whose relatives had that kind of death. Sadly, I also know several who experienced the same as the OP. Why is that ever allowed in this day and age? As so many people have said, we wouldn't let an animal suffer like this!

It's not about assisted dying it's about putting the end of life care plan in appropriately and making sure there is a response to a need for increased doses.
At the weekend and out of hours there is only one dr per 200 pts on the wards and delays may happen for changes of doses highlighted by the nursing staff or they may not have time to do the paperwork only make a plan in the notes and write up the medication. If it on normal hours then the team should definitely have spoken to you and informed you of the end of life approaching and what would happen. Sometimes things change and happen very quickly and sometimes the end of life care plan is not yet in place.

A Relative of mine died of cancer. Things got horrific over a weekend. The nurse with the morphine didn't come till Monday and my relative had had to suffer through 'terminal agitation' all weekend because no-one available to alleviate it at the weekend. Not only did my poor relative have to suffer through it, but their children are traumatized by it.

As I said, I know what I shall do when the time comes. We don't all conveniently start dying Monday - Friday.

My father died of cancer and had good care but it was still awful. Nobody could tell us how long it would take for him to die, he was off food for 12 days and no liquids for several days too and in and out of morphine for at least 4 days and every time he woke up he was incredibly anxious, same with DH’s dad who died of lung cancer. We don’t let dogs suffer like this but humans have to go through the wait and trauma in this day and age. My father still said he was happy he got to fight a little bit and say goodbye properly though.

My sister and mum both expressed they wanted to commit suicide when it got bad. Why do some get the strong sedative to see them out peacefully and some don't?

Hi OP

I get it. I’m so sorry you had to go through that.

I have been through the same experience, two years ago now. Same gun comments too.

I’m not able to write about it at this second but if you would like to PM me at any time over please do. I’ve not yet come across anyone who really understands what I went through.

I mean death is pretty grim. We want it sanitised and ‘easy’ and that our loved ones will pass gently in their sleep, this is the dream that is fed to us. I just don t think this is reality sadly. Unless we change the laws surrounding assisted dying then it’s going to stay the same. Death can be noisy and distressing even with a driver full of morphine and if you have never seen anyone pass that way it’s really upsetting and can take a while to come to terms with.

So sorry you’ve been through this OP.
My parents both died of cancer at home, more than 20 years ago. They had fantastic pain relief from the district nurses. Peaceful calm deaths.

Last year my Gran at nearly 100 came to the end of her days, it took nearly three months for her to die, it was incredibly traumatic to sit there and witness her distress and pain. She was given liquid paracetamol, calpol that you give babies! The Dr would prescribe end of life meds, but getting the district nurses to administer them proved virtually impossible. If she was asleep/calm when the came they just wouldn’t agree she needed them, despite her only being asleep as she’d exhausted herself with hallucinations and trying to get up, despite the fact she’d been bed bound and immobile for months prior. And then the nursing home would have to send them back to the pharmacy as they hadn’t been used…so the Dr would have to visit to prescribe again. The whole thing was a shambles and I’m really quite traumatised from having to watch her being in so much pain.
I think the rules must have changed after the Harold Shipman murders, but a better middle ground is surely possible.

I’m off to Dignitas at the first hint of serious illness as I can’t bear the thought of my children sitting by my bedside like that.

My DH (currently v.hale and hearty) upset me terribly a few years ago when he told me that if he received a terminal diagnosis he would commit suicide; just go off and do it, disappear and not leave a note.
I thought that was an awful thing to do to me and our family and said I would go with him to Switzerland if he was determined to do it. So we had the discussion and it is agreed; we will do that. I will take the risk of prosecution, under current laws.
I don't blame anyone for wanting to end it all in the face of a terrible illness like motor neurone disease or cancer and in fact I would want that choice for myself, especially in the light of these dreadful stories of people's relatives dying in agony.
I am considering joining Dignitas. I saw Pru Leith's programme with her MP son on assisted dying she is pro, he is anti and found it very compelling. (Although it gave me another reason to avoid living in Canada where there are concerns about where this issue is going.)

Good palliative care makes a massive amount of difference. It’s not all about helping people to die. It literally just means non curative care. The problem is it isn’t always available when needed.

I totally agree, @Merrymouse .

I can't help worrying that the government will pass a law to allow assisted dying because it would save money. And it would , wouldn't it? Even if the rules were strict, they could be amended pretty quickly once they were in, as we've seen with so much else.

My father had meds as did my mother, neither death was nice to watch and I’m both were very long and drawn out.

I think peoples views on assisted dying tend to change as they get older or have chronic health issues. I think it’s difficult for healthy or younger people to understand why anyone would feel that way.

I have mutiple chronic health issues. Really difficult rare ones. I’m on the highest rates of PIP long term, indefinitely. I’m very unwell and in pain most days. I’m only 43 and I have 2 children, one of whom is disabled and needs me (he’s 11 now, has autism etc). But there is no cure for my conditions, in some ways they are just degenerative and what I’m being offered is really nothing more than pain relief, and it often isn’t enough.

We don’t talk about quality of life enough. The minute you mention to someone “assisted dying” people leap to send you the link to Samaritans. That isn’t going to help someone like me. I am not depressed. I actually like my life on good days but I don’t want to keep going if all I have is bad days. And that should be my choice. We should all have ownership over our own lives.

Assisted dying is tricky and has been consistently voted against by doctors. So it wouldn't be doctors doing it in hospitals if it ever came to fruition. I guess private clinics?