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Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

Original poster

Is there anything appropriate to send a friend who suffered a bereavement?

31 replies

Timelime · 12/02/2024 10:36

Her dh died suddenly. We've not seen each other for many years and I didn't really know her dh. However, she was a good friend and we're still in regular contact FB, WhatsApp etc... Just sending a card doesn't feel like enough but anything I think to send her seems trivial or contrived. I plan to visit her later in the year, if she is keen but don't know how to show support in the meantime. She has masses of friends and family local to her, so isn't short of practical support.

OP posts:
LaviniasBigBloomers · 12/02/2024 10:50

You have not suggested flowers, for which I think you are an amazing human being, but in case someone else comes on or is lurking: don't send flowers. My house looked like a florists and it was an unending chore for the first fortnight. And then, of course, they died...

I have a letter from an old school friend who I hadn't seen for a number of years that I absolutely treasure, just sending love, a couple of anecdotes from when we hung out. Nothing overblown, just heartfelt.

What can be very helpful is an occasional text (say 'no need to reply' and mean it!) and offer to meet up in a couple of months or so. Everyone tends to fade back to their own lives just when you need them most.

If you do want to send something, look atCook meals. They're the bomb, they're frozen and just need reheated. Super handy.

TheFlis · 12/02/2024 10:53

When I lost a parent, one close friend sent me a huge box of chocolates and another sent me a hamper of my favourite wine and cheese. Both were hugely appreciated and made a lovely change from flowers!

Original poster
Timelime · 12/02/2024 11:56

Thank you. I did wonder if people disappear and forget after a number of months and I definitely will check int periodically to say I'm thinking of her. And will prioritise that visit finally, if she's keen.

OP posts:
Getonnow · 12/02/2024 12:13

I agree with the flowers, I know everyone who brought/sent them meant well, but they were overwhelming and just anoher job. In the end I started putting them straight on the compost heap.

For me, the best friends were the ones who really were there, rather than said they were. The ones who turned up for a cuppa or invited me out for coffee, the ones who phoned rather than text.

I never want to hear "you know where we are are" again.

Alicewinn · 12/02/2024 12:15

I think just don't be scared of giving her a ring and 'going there' in the sense of asking her how she's doing. She's lucky to have you, you obviously really care about her.

Getonnow · 12/02/2024 12:15

Also, "aquaintances" and old but not especially close friends were far better than the people I thought were good friends, who seemed to disappear after their initial "is there anything we can do?" message. So, you might find she'll be really grateful for an old friend, who really means it, getting in touch.

LaviniasBigBloomers · 12/02/2024 22:49

Timelime · 12/02/2024 11:56

Thank you. I did wonder if people disappear and forget after a number of months and I definitely will check int periodically to say I'm thinking of her. And will prioritise that visit finally, if she's keen.

Yes, this absolutely happens, in fact I'm afraid to say it's the norm.

MintyCedric · 12/02/2024 23:04

Did you know her dad at all?

What meant most to be were the cards and messages saying what a lovely bloke my dad was, so if you did know him, mention that.

Honestly I don’t think there’s anything you can just send at this stage.

mathanxiety · 13/02/2024 01:12

Pick up the phone and give her a call. She will appreciate it more than you'll ever know.

Send her a gift cert for a massage / facial.
Send her a gift cert for a restaurant close to her so she can order a nice meal for herself.
A hamper is always a nice gift imo.

But a phone call would mean the world, I am sure.

julili · 13/02/2024 01:25

Add a note to your phone calendar to call her this time next year (and sooner, like on her dh’s birthday if you know it). Anniversaries are hard and often people forget.

FutureUncertain · 15/02/2024 07:34

There really isn’t anything, a card is fine.

I absolutely do not want a facial, a hamper, a meal voucher or flowers. I am also fed up of hearing ‘let me know if I can do anything’ -like what?
If someone specifically said ‘do you need me to X?’ (Walk the dog/drive you to the bank/come with you when you see the funeral directors or something) that might be more helpful.

Chasingsquirrels · 15/02/2024 07:42

I'd echo what lots of people have already said.

I love having flowers but I did not love having 10 bouquet which I firstly had to deal with and which then died.
Someone sent me a small potted rose, that was lovely (although it also died).

A long standing, but not overly close, friend/acquaintance brought round a lasagne they'd made. That was so thoughtful. She became a much closer friend.

People who offered, and did, specific things (walk the dog, have a dc after school, asked if I wanted company at a specific time rather than "I'm always here" if they actually aren't).

Sorry, I realise you are further away and can't do specific things.
Contact is difficult - I'd rather have text and email messages than phone calls, but everyone is different.
I got a number of letters (this is 7 years ago, so not pre-tech) from a variety of people with their condolences but also thoughtful memories of late-dh. That was really lovely. I got one from his first boss (from many years before I met him, and of whom I had never heard) telling me about memories of him how he was then. That was such a lovely letter.

Lifestooshort71 · 15/02/2024 07:50

I think a well-chosen card is fine, add a couple of anecdotes about the deceased - even something amusing from a while back. No gifts, nothing they've got feel grateful for and thank you for.

HotCoffeePlease · 15/02/2024 07:52

Please whatever you do do NOT send a box of maltesers 😞

MumofSpud · 15/02/2024 07:56

When my DH died one of the things that stood out was the 2 cards I got from a 'school gate mum' whose DD would play with my DD when they were little.

The mum and her DD both wrote anecdotes in separate cards (her DD would have been 16) and that really touched me - that they had taken the time to do that.

I quite liked all the flowers though aswell!

One colleague made me up a little goodie hamper, which was lovely.

GoodOldEmmaNess · 15/02/2024 08:02

I feel differently about flowers than a lot of other posters on this thread. Our house was full of flowers when my son died. I had to buy new vases. I appreciated it. Their beauty and fragrance was grounding, and the fact flowers are just a temporary addition to the house is good: they entirely have their being in that very distinctive period between a death and a funeral , and that seems appropriate. The exact opposite of, say, wedding gifts, that are meant to persist through a marriage.
Also, their conventionality is respectful: more original , distinctive gifts would feel like they were trying to draw your attention to the giver, in a way that you just don't have the bandwidth for at that stage of a bereavement.

mondaytosunday · 15/02/2024 08:09

In contrast to others I don't think anyone sent me flowers when my husband passed away suddenly.
You aren't close now, so I think a card is fine. For anyone reading this who is, particularly physically, what would have been a great help is not to say 'let me know if you need anything' (as that puts the burden on me to ask), but to say 'how about I take the kids for the afternoon'? Or bring a couple meals over so I don't have to think about it. Lack of help with the kids was an issue as I tried to do stuff (as I just couldn't do the normal multitasking things as I would usually have done as I wasn't really thinking straight). Having to cook meals on top of everything was a chore I could have done without.

LittleMy77 · 15/02/2024 18:27

I think if you want something practical, Cook food vouchers. The food is nice, most are frozen and they deliver to the house

EATmum · 15/02/2024 18:38

Like others I'd advise steering clear of flowers. I had a couple Cook meals sent which was brilliant, and another friend sent wine. Lots sent candles, which baffled me ( really not my thing) - but then, you know what, they became my thing. Now I love having a candle lit and spending quiet time with my memories.

notapizzaeater · 17/02/2024 13:54

When my DH died I had 43 bouquets of flowers, was farcical! I'd open the door to interflora who was stood there with two boxes and had to go back to the van to bring another 2.

One of my friends brought a box of individual cakes. Another brought shepherds pie. A good one was a Tray of grabby bits, think crisps, cereal bars, choc, cheeses etc No one wanted to eat but we grazed.

The best things I got was time - people talking about him, laughing about things we'd done - just being there was priceless.

raspberrysundae · 20/02/2024 07:15

This is just my personal view…
No gifts and I would prefer no card.
Just a text with “thinking of you” was enough. No calls at this time. There will be time for that and anecdotes later. But you know your friend, trust your instincts on what she would like.

Candleabra · 20/02/2024 07:20

It’s very personal. For me, no flowers.
A card now. Then in a month or too maybe send a treat gift - a few friends did this for me- box of chocs, nice bath stuff, I appreciated it so much - the thought really, more than the gift.
However, your time and support is the most valuable thing you can give.

HarrietTheFireStarter · 20/02/2024 07:25

Everyone is different but most people value thoughtful messages. You could say what you've said in here, that you're so sorry for her loss, that although you never met him you appreciate the enormity of his passing. That you value her friendship and have been racking your brain for a way to show how much you care, and that you'd really like to show your support in any way that you can.

It's ok to be honest. Its OK not to know what to say.

MinnieMountain · 20/02/2024 07:26

Is there any particular thing you know she likes?
DH’s granny died on Friday. We sent FIL chocolates because he has a sweet tooth.