Supporting my friend whose young son took his life?

[LoveRules]

My poor poor friend lost her wonderful 20 year old son to suicide on Saturday.

A few of us are wishing we could do more than nothing to support from afar.

We'll get a crowdfunding initiative set up to help with funeral costs and will call/text to say we are thinking of them but other than that is there anything we can do.
Cook ready meal vouchers?

If i thought it was helpful I'd take time off work and drive up to be there but I don't think it would be. Definitely will be for the funeral when it is arranged.

Her son's birthday will be in spring so wondering if I should be there for that.

Any thoughts or ideas very much appreciated we are all thrown by this horrific tragedy. Every parents worst nightmare

@caringcarer sadly I think it is common enough that the post won’t likely be identifying even with the age detail.

OP I have not experienced what your friend has but I have suffered a bereavement and it is the first anniversary today. What other people have posted is true, I feel very supported on todays anniversary by most people and really let down by those who haven’t remembered (I mean close family members who would know, I don’t expect everyone to do so).

Things I appreciated at the time were:

We were sent lovely meals from Cook

Soneone organised a milk delivery every other morning, they delivered not only milk, but also orange juice and either bread or cakes. They would also deliver something for lunch, like a pie or a soup. On the weekend they sent us bacon, weirdly it helped me know what day it was.

@Duh completely agree.

This is not identifying in the slightest. It's becoming normalised. We need to talk about it, shout about it. Support each other about it.

I wouldn't wish the grief I have witnessed on my worst enemy.

It's absolutely sickening

My beautiful, slightly eccentric, kind, caring friend will never be here again. That's if she survives this.

It's completely changed my world, and I am a minor person on the edge.

I can't thank you all enough. This is exactly what I hoped to be told. Real life help.

@itsallverypainful I'm truly sorry for your loss and for the painful one year anniversary today. Plus not everyone you know remembering.

@lmhj1 This echoes my friend. She was so very funny and now I'm sure I'll only ever see her cry. She is destroyed.

@caringcarer I thought about this and actually did change details in my OP to avoid identification but actually so what if it was identifying the fact is her beloved son has taken his own life with no warning. The family posted a statement on social media there is no shame in the world knowing of their tragedy, the confusion and chaos of their sudden heartbreak. It is sadly way too common these days especially for our young men.

I'm determined to do all I can from daily texts, sending letters, phone calls Cook meals and think the idea of a milk, OJ and bacon delivery is really lovely actually especially as it might help her so practically and understand it is Saturday when the bacon arrives.

It's so unreal. Just like a never ending nightmare for them.
I think she now understands what a suicidal person goes through when they just want to make the mental anguish stop. She can't think of any way to get through this.

Apologies that I got posters mixed up @Duh I'm sorry for todays very sad anniversary and to @itsallverypainful 12 weeks is no time.

Time has gone so strange. The 24 hours between him dying and the same time the next day went on for a very long time.

I'm still eating food we made laughing in the kitchen while he would have been at work.

I need to find out more about suicide as it's driving me crazy not understanding how he could do it but have no appreciation of the misery he'd leave behind by leaving so suddenly.

I saw this earlier and sent it to my 20 year old son plus another friend who has young adult boys

www.instagram.com/reel/C1oMZsJvNK8/?igsh=b3lteGE4eHU3MmU4

There's very little you can practically do right now but being there for her in the future is so important, not just this year when people may remember important dates but in years to come. Remind her she can always call/text/ email and listen to her, it might be funny anecdotes it might be despair. You sound like a great friend

Please don’t use the word commit or committed when referring to suicide. No crime has taken place and it’s not terminology that is used in this day and age. For those left behind it is another burden that has to be borne.

sorry for all your loss.
it’s only terminology, but it’s powerful…
be sure to recognise that the didn’t ‘take his own life’ ( stigma , blame, shame)
he died…. By suicide. He died by mental health
( blameless, unwell, )
I’m so sorry x

@caringcarer this view feeds into the stigma and shame around suicide. It's too common unfortunately and the op has not disclosed any identifying information but is only seeking to help her friend.

There is a quite comprehensive booklet for supporting people faced with this sad situation called "Help is at hand". You can download a free copy or order free printed copies from Public Health England. It's well written and I found it helpful.

https://www.gov.uk/government/news/you-are-not-alone-help-is-at-hand-for-anyone-bereaved-by-suicide

https://supportaftersuicide.org.uk/resource

Direct links to order free printed copies (on mobile, the "add to basket" button is top right):

2015 version (print currently out of stock):
https://www.healthpublications.gov.uk/ViewProduct.html?sp=Shelpisathand2015supportaftersomeonemayhavediedbysuicide-431

Wallet cards:
https://www.healthpublications.gov.uk/ViewProduct.html?sp=Shelpisathandzcard-409

This looks like an updated 2021 print version which is in stock (I've not read this, I have the 2015 version):

https://www.healthpublications.gov.uk/ViewProduct.html?sp=Shelpisathand2021version

If this had happened to me I'd hate for the Daily Mail to be plastering it on their newspaper.

@LoveRules I have lost people to suicide. A grandparent, uncle, cousins and a very good friend. I won't say much here but if you want to pm me I'd be happy to chat to you some more privately. I name changed to post earlier because coupled with the loss of my mother, it is quite outing.
I can assure you I am genuine and have been here a long time.

It was 10 years this week that my son's friend died by suicide. His mum is still grieving but her grief is now manageable, I would say. She's managed to carry on with life, supported by friends and family. Anniversaries and birthdays are the worst. I always make sure I'm around on those days. My son and his friendship group all stay in touch with her, which she has said she finds comforting. She likes it when they talk about him and remember the daft things they did together.

@LoveRules - you sound like a lovely thoughtful friend. Someone who your friend will truly treasure.

Sadly, losing young adults and teens is a growing trend.

I lost my teen ds nearly 2 years ago. I found some friends were there for me as they always have been, whilst one of my closest friends simply 'disappeared' as she couldn't handle it. Some acquaintances really stepped up in a way I never expected. To this day, I am so grateful to my friends who check in on me regularly, who remember key dates like my son's birthday anniversary, mothers' day, Christmas etc, who are not afraid to speak my son's name, to ask honestly how I am, who don't look uncomfortable if I burst into tears or admit that I am struggling and don't try to offer me solutions or don't say phrases that are well-meaning but really are not eg things happen for a reason, God knew you were strong enough to handle this, it was what your son wanted etc etc

You friend's grief will change over time. If she doesn't respond to your messages or seem to ignore you - please don't take it personally. Keep checking in on her but let her know that it is OK if she takes her time replying or if you arrange a date to meet, that it is also OK if she cancels last minute. She will value your company. She may not be comfortable with meeting in a public place or prefer a walk - or not - so please don't be afraid to check with her what is best for her.

Finally, I thought this article written by the late Lisa-Marie was a very insightful account of the impact of her son's death

Having lost someone very close to me to suicide a few years ago, I can honestly say it was an absolute blur. The experience of the shock an pain are seared into my memory (and still live within me), but literally everything else was so peripheral as to not register.

I wouldn’t have noticed or remembered if people had arranged milk deliveries / flowers / hikes up Snowdon…. None of it matters or gets retained. The drive of those around me to “do” something was really more about an understandable need in them to feel they could ameliorate what I was going through. To allay their feelings of powerlessness.

But it literally mattered not one iota to me, as I was too psychologically exploded to notice or care.

Great advice.

My son took his own life aged 21 and people preparing me meals helped so much as I had an 11 year old daughter at the time so it helped me immensely
I also remember the people who sent me a love heart emoji by message every day .I didn't need to reply but I think of that now
Flowers were well meaning and thoughtful but something else to deal with
Be there for her in a year.2 years. I have amazing friends who are still here 9 years later
You sound a lovely friend