Chapel of rest , what to expect

[Furryrug]

We're going to see dad tomorrow in the chapel of rest , I'm dreading it but doing it for my mum. I was with dad when he passed on 1st August so have seen him not alive.
I don't know what to expect, will he be in the coffin? What if he looks really different?

Sorry for your loss

He will be in the coffin up on a stand so you can look over him.

The staff will probably ask you to take a seat while they prepare the room and bring him in. The room will probably be quite chilly. They sometimes light some candles and play quiet peaceful music.

You can touch, and kiss him if you wish, hold his hand etc, or just look if you prefer.

The body will feel very cold and may smell of the products they use. But it isn't unpleasant.

You can also place items inside the coffin for him if you want to.

Any specific questions you have I'm happy to try and answer ❤️

Thank you, I still can't believe he's gone.

The best thing to do here would be to ask the undertakers themselves, they are well versed in answering questions. It's been said on mumsnet before that it is advised to seek their advice on whether a body will have deteriorated too much for viewing. I can bet that the undertakers usually wait for you to ask questions rather than give you information because some client families would find that unwanted and intrusive.

Do they put makeup on? Some of his skin went a funny colour (lividity ) and I don't want my mum to see it.

I'm so sorry for your loss.
My gran didn't look like herself anymore, she seemed waxy. She had lost her spark which is understandable and people had said this to me beforehand but it bought it home to me when I saw her. It was very peaceful in there though and I spoke to her for a while. I tried to hold her hand but she was very cold. That shocked me and I wish I hadn't touched her.
I hope it goes okay for you.

The undertaker said that he should be ok to view, if the funeral was any further away (it's next week) then we would have to think about embalming.

Your dad's eyes and mouth will be closed and he will be laying in his coffin looking peaceful. I can't speak for the funeral company your family is using but the one I work in would use make up in the situation you are describing.
Ask the funeral arranger her opinion on your dad and let them know you haven't viewed before so they can guide you better.

So sorry for the loss of your dear dad xxx

I was glad to spend time with my dad at the chapel of rest. Final goodbye for close family. It was good to see him away from hospital gowns tbh.

I don't remember make up but there may have been. There was some lividity on one side but I just told my mum not to go round that side.

We took photos of him with us all and grandchildren. I also write him a letter and so did my mum. Put the letters in his inside pocket and the photos on his hand.

Xxx

That's lovely, I might do that too.

I was with my dad when he passed, which was lovely. I also went to see him at the chapel of rest. He looked very peaceful and I don’t regret seeing him.

So sorry for the loss of your lovely dad . Xxx

We bring the body back to the family home and watch over it before the funeral which happens quickly. It's always felt right to me and brought a lot of closure.

I think the first time, before I saw the body, I was very anxious. I don't know what I expected but I had hated them being away from me. I think an non-thinking part of my brain hadnt accepted they were gone and desperately didnt want them buried.

Then when I saw the body I got a real sense of peace. The body wasn't them. They were on to the next thing whatever thay may be.

Obviously still heatbreaking but not scary. Sending love and strength.

Thank you all, dads actual passing was traumatic tbh , we were badly let down by the district nurses and I'm hoping he looks peaceful and pain free now.

One think I would say is an undertaker won't recommend viewing a body if it has deteriorated to the point it would be unpleasant.

I had a relative whose funeral couldn't take place until 6 weeks later and they were embalmed. We visited several times before the funeral.

But it was getting to the point where we were noticing subtle changes each time we visited. The undertaker recommended we make it our last visit, and we did.

I'm sure he will look peaceful and be absolutely fine to spend time with.

I felt like the soul had gone. Their body was there and at peace. But there was no soul. No spark. I suppose all signs of life. But it is a relief to see someone at peace especially if they have been unwell.

I hope it brings you comfort

I have visited both my mum and dad in the chapel of rest in the funeral homes.
My mum died of cancer at home and we were all with her, which brought great comfort to me. When I visited her, the first thing I said was that they hadn't 'done' her hair properly. My mum was very particular about her hair! It kind of didn't seem like my mum.
My dad died in hospital. I'd sat for hours with him and in the last few days, was pretty much unconscious. I'd gone home but my DC (young adult) suddenly felt like seeing him one last time but we arrived just too late 😔
He looked so old and awful.
I visited him at the funeral home and he looked so peaceful and almost as if he had a little smile on his face. That was so reassuring.
The actual room is cool with the lights dimmed and soft music playing I think. It's like the body is there but the soul has gone. No spark or anything. Just the shell.
I kissed my fingers and touched my dad's head. My brother actually kissed his head and said he wished he hadn't.
So my experiences are a little different to each other I suppose and I imagine everyone's experience will be different but I don't regret going to see them. It was my final time to see them and talk to them 😔
I'm sorry for your loss

The lady at the funeral home told me on the phone that my beloved dad looked "very handsome" - and indeed he did, but not quite like himself. I'm "happy" that I saw him, as I was/am heartbroken almost 4 years on...But part of me wishes I hadn't as he looked "waxy"/felt cold & his mouth didn't look quite the same (am guessing this is ALL normal) I've also come to terms with the fact that seeing/not seeing would have made no difference to my grief anyway.
I put lots of letters/photos & one of his oily rags & screwdrivers in his coffin. He was always fixing things
He was Chinese, so we'd already had the ceremonial burning of paper money & models of houses & cars to take to the afterlife

Am sorry for your loss & hope you find some comfort in seeing himx

Dad was at home when he passed and it was a while until he was taken to the funeral home, I sat with him for quite a while then and held his hand and kissed him, he was quite cold then . I just don't want him to not look like my dad.
I'm so sorry for all those that have lost a loved one, it's a pain like no other that I have experienced , we all loved him so very much 💐

I'm so truly sorry for your loss, and the heartbreak you are experiencing. My completely wonderful dad passed away on 28th July and so I understand the rawness of all your emotions.

My dad was also at home when he passed, we were holding his hands and talking to him. I also was with him after and noticed him starting to go cold. For this reason I chose not to touch him when we went to see him in the chapel of rest.

But he looked peaceful - not in pain anymore. At rest, I suppose. My mum commented that it was the first time she'd understood why people say 'rest in peace', because that's how my dad looked.

I kept thinking I could see him breathing, which felt a bit unnerving. But it was nice to see him, dressed nicely, more like 'dad' than he had been in the last few hours before he died, and immediately after.

There was no music, and it didn't actually feel too cold. Although I was nervous, so may have been feeling hot! He was in his coffin, on a sort of stand, already in the room when we came in. There were seats and we could see him when we sat down.

I'm really, really pleased I went - I didn't find it frightening although it was extremely sad. My sister didn't want to come, and she is equally pleased with her decision. It's such a deeply personal thing, but if you know you want to go then I hope that you find comfort in it.

Wishing you strength at this difficult time OP

Hi OP, I'm very sorry for your loss.

Im a funeral arranger and I can let you know what would happen at my funeral home. I hope none of this is upsetting.

If the deceased hasn't been embalmed then at the very least they will have been given a "facial" on arrival at the funeral home. This is the application of cream to the hands and face to keep the skin soft. The features will be set (eyes and mouth closed), so dad will look as though he's asleep. If there is any noticeable lividity or discolouration, then we would apply some subtle make up to try and hide it.

Your dad will be lying in the coffin you chose and dressed in whatever clothes you took in for him. If he didn't wear a beard or moustache then he should be clean shaven.

The funeral director will prepare the room (candles and/or light music) and then invite you in. If you prefer you can go in first to check on his appearance before your mum goes in. You'll be left in peace to spend time with your dad in private.

As a pp stated, the body will feel cold to the touch. It's quite possible that your dad may look a little different from how he did when you last saw him, but hopefully he will look at peace. Every funeral director will do their utmost to present the loved one in the best way possible.

Dont be afraid to talk to your dad, or take things in to put in the coffin (eg photos or letters).

I hope tomorrow goes ok. You can ask the funeral director questions, or for clarification of anything. They're there to try and make it as easy as possible for you.

I'm so sorry for your loss, I lost my Dad on the 3rd of August so I feel your pain deeply.
We do things differently in Ireland but the undertakers will guide you, as they did us. We take our loved ones home for 2 nights so we were recommended embalming. But my Daddy looked so at peace and in no more pain. He may look slightly different as he will be lying down and we see each other mostly up right. But from my experience he will look better than the morning you were with him when he passed. Thinking of you and sending love.

Just wanted to say how sorry I am for your loss. I echo everything others have said.

Me, my sister and my mum wish we hadn't gone to see my nan after she died.

She was with us at home for 6 hours after she died and her normal features returned by the time she was taken to the funeral directors. I spent most of that time sat with her. (She had died in so much pain and lost a lot of weight very quickly.)

We saw her a few weeks later and she didn't look like her anymore. Her hands and chest were discoloured and her face had started to sag back. Due to this she had a completely different nose shape and no neck definition. Her hair wasn't right either.
We also put photos in the coffin and my son wrote a note for her.

On another note, my mum said when she saw her dad it was completely different and he looked just like he was sleeping so she didn't regret that visit to say goodbye x

I'm so very sorry for your loss. Take good care of yourself in the coming days.
It was my beautiful Mums funeral yesterday so I have very recent experience of this. I saw my Mum Thursday just gone in the funeral home. She looked very cold in the lovely night dress I'd picked so I went and bought a cosy pair of slippers and a soft blanket and went back and put the slippers on her and tucked her in all cosy. I kissed her a lot and held her hand. She didn't look bad at all and she'd been in the morgue for 3 weeks. I found her when she died so I wanted to see her free of pain. The hard part was leaving her, I stayed a couple of hours. I could see the lividity just starting and the coffin was closed the next day.
I went to see my Dad a few years ago too. I put his glasses on and kissed him and then sat an him our song.I went in first and I advised the rest of the family not to go in. He didn't look good and the makeup was flaking. I'm glad I saw them both though, it seemed like the last thing I could do for them. The funeral staff were all wonderful, so so kind.
I hope it goes as well as it can.

I wasn’t with my mum when she died. I did see it over video call. I travelled down the next day to see her. I had to see her in the hospital to make sure it was real.

She looked peaceful. Her skin was waxy but looked flawless. She had tubs in, but I ignored that. Her eyes were half open but I managed to close them. Her hair wasn’t done properly but was allowed to sort it.

they left us alone in the hospital chapel.y brother didn’t go near her.

I personally would rather not go and see a loved one. I always would prefer the memory of them alive.
Both parents died suddenly and I chose not to view them…my Mum would have been very cross! She had a perfect last day of her life and I had a lovely day seeking her a few days beforehand.
My Dad died back in the the 1980s, very suddenly,I was in Australia …absolutely no way would I have gone to see him …my memories are of him waving me off at the airport,not being dead and cold a few days later