Struggling after witnessing a death/end of life care

[penguinxoxo]

I lost a relative 2 weeks ago after a sudden illness. They were put on end of life care after a few days in a hospital and survived for 7 days on end of life care- I stayed with them all through this time.

The doctors came and spoke to us and told us what to expect which was essentially that they would start her on a syringe driver to keep her comfortable and she’d gradually become less alert/aware to the point she would be unconscious and then she would slip away.

Only it wasn’t like that at all, she was restless and agitated, crying out, grabbing at blankets and despite various concoctions of medications nothing seemed to fully get on top of things. In the end, she didn’t pass away peacefully. There was no drifting into unconsciousness and slowly slipping away it was like she had this horrible rattle and she sounded like she was choking/struggling to breathe but was still conscious and fairly alert until the very end.

Despite spending a week at her bedside, she died alone when I popped out to go to the toilet.

I feel terrible, like I failed her and didn’t advocate for her well enough. It wasn’t the peaceful experience that the doctors made out it would be or how you see on TV. It was traumatic watching her like that and not knowing how to help.

I can’t sleep because every time I close my eyes I can see how uncomfortable she was and I can’t stop thinking about the fact she died alone. I can’t get over the guilt that I let her down.

I’ve never witnessed anyone pass away before or be on end of life care so I don’t even know how to begin to process everything 😔

The thing is OP, I’m not sure if any of us could say for sure in advance whether we’d prefer our relatives to be at our bedside when we pass, or wait until we were alone. People are different, and respond to situations differently. It must be a bit like trying to imagine what we’d find comforting during childbirth before we’ve done it the first time. So you couldn’t have known what your relative needed in advance, and I suspect neither did she. You did your very best by her and no one should be criticising your efforts.

I’m so sorry for your loss and I hope that you can find ways to be kind to yourself as you grieve and come to terms with this.

Am so sorry you have been through this perhaps it was meant to be. As a paediatric nurse I have seen this several times, parent leaves the room for a legitimate reason and their beautiful child dies I often felt it was done for a reason.

@Clefable

Thank you for that link to the Ted Talk on dying. I found it very moving but really helpful and very profound.
I'd never have seen it if you hadn't posted it.

@penguinxoxo if you haven't watched the video @Clefable posted please do I'm sure it will help you