Feeling let down by friends

[namechangequeen35]

My Dad passed away suddenly a month ago. I'm not feeling ready to go into the details yet and I'm taking each day as it comes.

I have a circle of school friends, that I've known a long time. I am feeling a little let down by my friends. They were initially very supportive, but only for the first week. They haven't been in touch since.

Am I being too needy to expect people to check in?

I feel like nobody understands and they just want me to go back to normal straight away without realising the huge pain that I'm in.

Maybe they don't know what to say. I feel very alone in my feelings.

@namechangequeen35 So sorry about your dad, it must’ve been such a shock. I completely understand how you feel as my mum passed away suddenly 7 weeks ago, and my dad also suddenly a number of years ago. I don’t have any advice as I don’t think friend’s behaviour comes from a bad place, they just move on because the loss isn’t central to their lives and whatever is going on. It is hurtful though, especially those that have said ‘let’s meet up’ and who you felt would be there and then there’s nothing.

I am trying to focus on those friends and family that are there for me and appreciating them but it is hard. From memory with my dad Cruse wouldn’t offer counselling this early on, but I could be wrong. Sending much support.

I found the same when I lost a parent and most people never mentioned it again apart from the initial condolences.

i am sorry for your loss, I would in your shoes definitely reach out to one or two of your friends and gently mention that you miss talking to them and would love to catch up.

It could be they are leaving you some space so as not to intrude in a time of grief, not realising you are counting on them as part of your support system.

Or it could be they haven’t realised how devastated you are /don’t understand the impact on you of losing your dad suddenly.

I would also add - when I lost my parents i lashed out fairly indiscriminately from time to time as grief can make you feel very angry about everything, really. So do be aware that your anger at your friends might be amplified by what you are going through.

hope you find a path through all this to some peace of mind - it can take a very, very long time but there are lots of excellent support groups and online information and counselling available if you need help above and beyond what your friends and family can provide.

I think you're being harsh. They were there for you when he died. Their lives continue as normal they dont understand that is grief is ever changing yet consistent for you

You are understandably needy because you are grieving

Thanks again all for your opinions on this. So sorry for those of you that have lost someone too.

I think it's so much harder than I ever could have imagined.

I didn't mean for it to sound like my friends should be bereavement counsellors. I think I just felt like I was being ignored but yes, they aren't mind readers so I will talk to them. I don't think. It is hard to feel alone but posting has made me feel less so.

I was worried about posting in case I got some horrible comments but glad I did in the end.

@GardeningIdiot Thank you for the podcast links. I'll look into to those later on. I need something to occupy me & my earphones whilst I pretend to sleep so the toddler drifts off. They sounds really helpful.

Thanks again

I can relate a lot. I feel really let down by friends who've not been in touch - in particular one who I've been friends with for nearly 20 years. Others from the same group separately sent me cards and flowers when my sibling first died. And have continued to send me texts checking in over the last few months - and gently suggesting meeting up when I'm ready. But this one friend, nothing beyond a text in the first weeks. I've supported her through some pretty dark times in her life. I've tried to understand that she's got her own life to get on with but the lack of contact has made me question our friendship.
The only advice I have is to hold on to the ones that have been in touch. It's surprised me who has reached out and stayed in touch.

I'm not funny, but my dad died seven years ago, and I'm still gutted.
One of my friends would text me daily for months just checking in, and it helped me feel that little less on my own.
You are not needy at all. At all.
Am sorry for your loss.
If anybody thinks you should have gotten over this after a week, they can go f* themselves.

It's a revelation how friends behave when you lose someone. I lost my mum when I was 32. Some friends were amazing, two in particular travelled across the country to be with me. Others sent cards, including people I barely knew. One or two were useless and we drifted apart as I couldn't deal with them. I felt very alone at times. As you say, just a text checking in every now and then would have been so appreciated.

I have just started a thread about feeling disappointed in a friend's reaction to my bereavement. I do understand- its a lonely place to be.

I lost my dad very suddenly about a year and a half ago.
I found some people to be fairly useless, other great initially. Mostly, I found younger people weren't there as they hadn't been through anything similar, so had no idea how to act.
It's was strange because my mum at times felt overwhelmed with support from people, who would always ask how I was as well. However, I got zero after the initial weeks, and people were always only asking how she was. I do believe there is sometimes a generational divide. Older people have seen more death, unfortunately, so understand more.

I dont understand why people think everyone should just have their own lives and never support anyone. This is why loneliness is so rife. We don't live in communities anymore and support one another. As soon as someone asks for support, they are classed as needy. I don't get that. You could go to counselling and still want support from your friends.

Thank you all.

It does sound like perhaps lots of us have felt the same.

Thanks for all of the advice. I'll take it on board.

I just wanted to make sure my thoughts weren't unreasonable.

I'll take a look at the losing a parent thread thank you.