Losing the 2nd parent

[LabradorButler]

(NC as potentially outing)

My DF died decades ago, my DM earlier this year. If I am honest, I was far closer to my DF - my DM battled mental illness all her life and could be very difficult and distant (though of course I understand that this wasn't her fault). Despite that, I am struggling massively with the feeling that all links to my childhood and to previous generations are now gone. My DM lived close to where I grew up, so I have visited the area regularly ever since I left home. I know I have been lucky to have that link to my past, but now it is gone.

I'm early 50s, so relatively young to have lost both parents, I guess. Some of my friends even have grandparents still alive.

DM wasn't in great physical health, so her death wasn't a total surprise, but still a big shock, and I was totally unprepared for the feelings of loss that I would have, related to my childhood and connections to the past. I was devastated by my father's death, but I didn't have this feeling of being severed from my past.

Has anyone else had this feeling after their second parent died, or am I just being ridiculous and childish?

Definitely not ridiculous or childish! I felt similarly after my Mum died - my parents had no living siblings and no other close family left. Also no one left after them in our childhood area where my parents lived for over 50 years. So it does feel very final and empty. I'm a similar age to you and most of my friends have at least one parent left.

Somehow the recent death of the Queen just seemed to emphasise for me the closure of a generation.

💐

Same, dad died 33 years ago and mum a month ago, I have a weird feeling of homesickness that I can't explain. I'm late 40's. Is it wrong to feel annoyed that most people I know and those older than me still have their parents ?

Me too. DF died earlier in the year, DM about 20 years ago. I sometimes feel so lost and as if I have nothing to tie me to my past, that I am rootless. I am also in my 50s and feel a bit pathetic to call myself an orphan, but thats how I feel.

I'm with you too. Dm died a decade ago which is when df's dementia became apparent. I'm an only child - as were my parents so by the time I hit 40 I was the only person who remembered my childhood - and everyone else in the family photo albums is dead.

I've felt very detached and isolated ever since. Feeling like all of your roots have been severed is very difficult.

And yes, I'm also very resentful of my friends who are in their 60s with functional parents. Friends who have children with grandparents and great grandparents. People who have family parties who actually have people they can invite. Having someone who is always there and always has your back. I feel very very childish but I really want a grown up in my life.

I understand that feeling. My Mum died 12 years ago and my Dad died 3 years ago. I was only just over 40 when my Dad passed away and I still feel young to have no parents left. My Dad still lived in the home I grew up in so clearing/ selling that was a heart wrenching process and felt like erasing some of my childhood - especially as the house has now been renovated and is completely unrecognisable. More recently my Dad's brother has passed away and now I have no "older generation" in my family.
I often feel unreasonable envy of people with both parents and grandparents still alive and able.
Although I also appreciate having had the gap between my parents passing so I could process it and gradually adapt to life in its new way. I feel for people who lose their parents close together and the shock of that.

I get you OP. My mum died 12 years ago and my dad died 2 years ago. It's such a strange feeling losing your last parent. I feel like my whole childhood has been wiped out, all the memories tainted and I feel sad that I've lost that parental love. Ridiculous as it is, at the age of 51 I feel like an orphan.

yes I remember this well, I felt like my anchors had gone, even though I had older brothers and sister, you feel kind of rootless. And also slightly cheated that I’d lost both parents before I was forty, although it was bound to happen as they were older when I was born

Same with me, my DM struggled with mental health as long as I can remember, but the good times were great and my DC have good memories as her health stabilised in her last few years and she was in a care home. This made it so hard when my DF died as we saw him way more after DM died, but we had 7 wonderful years after DM died with him, as he visited DM every day for 6 years in care home. I also lost my brother around the same time and now there is just myself and a younger brother who lives close by. In laws are also gone now and they were big parts in our lives. We used to have 10 for Xmas day lunch, now there’s just 5. I just miss the days of parents popping around or talking on the phone.

Thankyou for this thread - I lost my mum was I was 19, now 45 and my dad doesn't have much longer ( weeks or months) to live. He has a glioblastoma ( brain tumour)

We are a complicated family and I have step parents. My stepdad died 5 years ago and so my stepmum will be the only one left soon.

So weird to have nearly lost both parents already - I feel a bit adrift.

I lost my mum when I was 21 and my dad when I was 28, for me I miss things like having someone to ask who remembers my childhood stuff and can fill in the gaps of things I can't remember. The other biggies are them having never met my daughter, not having someone to 'go home' to.

It’s not ridiculous at all. I lost my mum when I was 23, my dad when I was 34 and my brother when I was 48 - I’m now 50. A lot of my family didn’t have children so what was a big Irish catholic family has whittled away to almost nothing. I now have no parents, grandparents, siblings, or blood aunties or uncles. I had no children so I only have a couple of distant cousins left, and a couple of cousin’s of my mums who are in their eighties.

It’s sad and unnerving and I feel that I’ve completely lost my roots. I also don’t know anybody else like me, nobody else who “has nobody”. Coupled with perimenopausal grumpiness this has made me very bitter and envious of friends who still have lots of family, especially when they moan about them. It also makes me sad that I will lose lots of childhood memories because I have nobody familiar to talk to about them, nobody to reinforce memories, and I am starting to forget them.

OP, thank you for starting this threat. Our situation is hard but it’s actually really comforting to realise that I’m not the only one to feel like this, and that I’m not a horrible person.

My dad died last year, 18 months after my mum.

I am 51 but don’t feel I was young to lose both parents. But I have much older siblings and my parents were really old.

In some ways I feel relief, both that neither of them suffered illness or a slow decline, nor had to go into a home. Also, to have coped with the thing you quietly dread your whole life and realise it’s ok, is quite liberating.

Thanks, Everyone. It's a huge help to know that I'm not alone in feeling like this. Sorry to all those of you who lost both parents much younger than me - that must have been so hard.

I had long-lived grandparents, great-grandparents and great aunts etc so, when I was a child, there were lots of relatives in their 70s, 80s and a few in their 90s. Now, at 52, I am the oldest member of my family on either side. It feels incredibly weird.

Thinking of you. Do you have access to counselling to talk this through? It helps me to see myself as one link of a chain of generations, just a small part in a bigger chain.

I’m glad I found this thread - a lot echoing doe me (to the extent that your post could read very similar to my story!).

I’m mid forties and have lost both parents. I feel totally cheated as my grandparents all lived to mid 90s - and outlived my parents in the case of two grandmothers.

I know exactly how you feel. My dad died 7 years ago and my mother died last week. At the funeral meal at the weekend ( we are in Ireland) I suddenly felt so overwhelmed with all the older relations, as I was so used to Mam being the knowledgeable one and the link to them. Suddenly I am the adult ( at 50 yrs old!) and I really am struggling. Thanks so much for starting this thread.

My DF died at 54 and then my DM was killed in an accident at 69. I was left without parents at 44. Ironically, my maternal GM only died six months earlier.
Very low contact with my brother who is an hour away. Aunts, uncles cousins all over the country. I basically have no members of my family I ever really see anymore.

Hey OP, my dad died 7 years ago tomorrow, my mum earlier this year. It’s my birthday today and I feel bereft! The first time in 63 years I’ve not had a card from either of my parents. My hearts breaking all over again.

Not childish at all. DF died when I was in primary school. DM died 10 years ago, while I was in my 30s.

I found out very hard to accept I was now the oldest generation in my family. Still do.

I clung closely to an old lady who knew them both before I was born and when I was growing up. I thrived on the stories she told me.

My career has gone from strength to strength since mum died. A few of her old acquaintance's who have passed through my life have told me how proud mum would have been of me. Always brings me to tears.

Grief is such a personal thing. Walking the journey is hard and is something you never get over, you just learn to live with it.

I understand how you feel .

I lost both parents within 12 months of each other a couple of years ago.

I still can't face going back to my old home village.

I miss them. A lot.

Until a few weeks ago, I had both parents.
I am 60 and feel so blessed to have had them both for a lifetime. They were wonderful supporting living and caring.
Dad passes away 7 weeks ago.
Mum has gone into care as she has dementia.
Although mum is still here, she’s sinking into her own world slowly.
Yesterday, she said she wanted to die.

Apart from dementia, she’s relatively fit and well so she could live a good many years yet.

I came home and cried because this is not what I want for her. I love her so much but when she does pass, I think I will feel some sort of relief.
I also dont feel as if I e grief for dad as Mum has been so all consuming.

I fear I’m in for a rocky ride 😪

Sorry to hear that, @Borntobeamum - sounds really tough. I hope your DM adjusts to being in care. I have looked after quite a few people with dementia, and some of them do seem to come to terms with it in their own way and have a reasonable quality of life - I hope your Mum is one of them.

Happy birthday for Monday @Soontobe60! Even happy 60th maybe? My mum is going through cancer treatment at the moment and your comment really made me tear up. I hope you had an enjoyable birthday and can find comfort in their memories and love, they will always live on in you x

My father is still (just) alive but this is almost certainly his last Christmas as he is very ill and I am definitely dreading his death for all the things you say, OP. I will bookmark this thread and come back to it when he does finally die (which I know for him isn't really going to be sad at all as his quality of life is pretty awful.)

I’m in my 40s and my dad just died, after my mum and brother died when I was in my 30s. I do have lots of aunts and uncles and cousins, but I feels very weird to know that no-one in my immediate family is left now, except me. No-one to share the memories of growing up. I am married with DC so it’s not like I’m left alone but being orphaned is definitely hard even as an adult.