Mum died, and left me with a heartbreaking truth

[Wavesandsmilesencore]

I’m in my early 40s, single mum. My adored father died suddenly 11 years ago and my mum died in the same way (sudden unexpected heart attack in her sleep), earlier this year. Mum and I would speak several times a day on the phone/video chat and with her grandchildren too. I live in another country so last saw her in November. Our relationship was rocky at times; she had anorexia and other mental health issues which really surfaced when I was a teenager. She didn’t speak with her own mother for most of her life and I wasn’t permitted to see her.

I developed issues of my own and in a way in my 20s went through a grieving process of my own, for the mother I never had. On and off since we’ve had some big rows, the biggest in 2013 when I was pregnant with hyperemesis and she even ran over my foot with her car (on purpose). She was constantly putting me down to my children and would also smack them if they misbehaved so for a few months we had no contact.

The day after her funeral in March, I went to the lawyer with my sister, her husband; my uncle and baby, and had to hear the words read - I was completely removed from her will, like I never existed. The will was updated in 2013 and she even deliberately excluded the child I was pregnant with at the time.

She carried on all these years knowing that I’d one day sit and hear this read aloud; knowing I’d have to wake up every day knowing that she didn’t love me, didn’t want me to be considered as her daughter, and knowing the she wanted my younger children (who she seemingly doted on), also to be excluded.

I try to rationalise it, but I keep coming back to the point: she didn’t care enough about me or her grandchildren to update something done in a fit of temper. And I know that every day I will wake up and think of this, and there is nothing I can do. I feel like it’s a life sentence, and all I can hold onto is the fact I could never ever even consider doing this to my children. I hug them all even more than usual, but they all know I’m so sad, and I can’t even really explain why as I want them to remember the Grandma they loved.

I guess, I’m just not sure how to move past this, and much as that happened, I miss my mum; and my dad, so very very much.

This.

You can't change what the dead did but the living can categorically do the right thing

On a huge positive, I have the most wonderful children and they are worth more than any money. They absolutely fill my life with happiness and purpose (and sometimes frustration 😂), and I am and always have been, able to provide for them. So, whatever my mum hoped to do, she can’t take that away.

It's this.

You cannot control others actions but you can control your reactions to it.

Show the world what an amazing mum you are despite your past.

I’ve had similar happen in my family too. I remember the shock, then disbelief, and then finally the sadness of it all.

I initially tried to communicate with the family member that was ‘in control’ of the money situation, but then quite quickly realised that all I was doing was perpetuating the decades of dysfunction that had come from the person who had written the will in the first place.

I realised, to be truly, once and for all, mentally rid of of the baggage from all that had come before, I had to walk away, however unjust that might have seemed at the time. It would be the last wound that was inflicted on me, I decided to metaphorically close it as quick as possible, and from that day onwards I was free.

I hope you can find some peace in knowing that there is now nothing more to come from your mother, no more deceit, no more spite. And that you can choose how, when, and if to engage with your sister. On the surface, the money gives her control, but only if it is valued. If it has no value to you, then it is worthless, and you are free to have whatever relationship you choose to have with her.

OH uncle died and left a letter for the family. It was a wicked letter he was well off left everything to his wife forbidding her to leave a penny to her nephews when she died for various reasons. They never had children so she adored her nephews. The letter was full of venom about his brother my FIL who was a lovely man. It really hurt the family.

However when auntie died she did leave everything to the boys equally. I think she had a hard life with the old bastard who was selfish. I thought good for you when she rebelled

I’m sorry it’s taken a while to reply, I haven’t been feeling so bright and trying to focus on the children outside of work. I feel almost guilty admitting that I’m relieved that mum has gone, that there won’t be more cruelty and disappointment. But I’m also so sad that I was not enough, or too much the wrong type of person for her to have changed her will.

I managed to finally get an appointment for my eldest with a really good psychiatrist, and he was ever so good with him, so I think things will start to progress for him. It’s a big relief. My middle son (acrobat for those who remember us) was quite poorly and admitted to hospital with dehydration due to an awful gastro bug but he’s better now and had a lovely birthday.

I feel guilty that I can’t just snap out of it and be 100% for my lovely children; but I appreciate it will take time to process this, and come to terms with some big feelings. We were meant to go camping this weekend but I really don’t feel up to it so we are having a family board games weekend instead… and I’m hoping for a few nights without the vivid nightmares.

In a way it’s reassuring to read messages and learn that this has happened to others as well. Makes me feel a little less alone somehow.

Good luck op, hope you can come to terms with it and focus on your lovely family.