How to stay calm at a funeral

[Selford]

I'm going to a funeral in a couple of weeks, the teenage daughter of a friend (I didn't really know her, but am going to support my friend).
Does anyone have any advice about how not to get overly emotional during the funeral? I've always found it hard to contain my emotions, especially when people around me are upset which understandably they will be, but I strongly feel that it's not my place to be crying when I didn't properly know her.

I've wondered if there is anything I can get over the counter from the pharmacist to help (I don't want to bother the GP as they're so busy at the moment, and I wouldn't get a routine appointment in time anyway).
Does anyone have any advice?

Really? I'd be devastated at the thought of a friend - who didn't even know my beloved daughter - being so uncontrollably upset at her funeral.

Your friend has lost her daughter. She is broken. You want to attend to support your friend. But you admit that you are likely to be so unable to control your emotions that you are thinking of seeking GP advice? You will not be any support for her if you are out of control when she is in the utter depths of despair.

Weeping is OK. Crying quietly is OK. Being so overly emotional when you are one step removed from the poor child who has died is too much. And likely to add to your friend's grief.

I get like this too OP. I'm not really a weeper in normal life but I'm terrible at funerals.

I spent my Grandad's funeral counting backwards in my head. In french. I think anything that distracts will help. Try looking at all the other people and making up stories about them. If you do find yourself getting upset, have a little release cry then start again.

You are allowed to grieve. It really doesn't matter what you do on the day.

Just don't make a scene and you'll be fine.

I'm so sorry, even if you're not directly affected, it's such a tragedy.

Ime funerals for the young are more emotional, there's more shock. Even those who didnt know them cry.

And funerals are meant to give people a 'socially acceptable' way of displaying grief in public...That's what they're there for, and it's cathartic.

Put your friend first, as I'm sure you will and don't worry if you find tears on your face. Wear waterproof mascara and take plenty of tissues.

I hope the day goes as well as it can.

Cry. Just no loud sobbing that's all. If you can't go outside quietly then come back once the storm has passed, it will not come to that.

I know what you mean too - it's not about the person whose funeral it is, but because funerals remind you of your own losses, and those still to come. My choir sometimes sings at funerals of people that are connected in some way, and I find it really hard - even when I don't really know the person - because my mind always goes to my own bereavements. I try desperately to control it, but I wish there were some techniques for times like this, when it's not about me, I don't want to be doing it, and it doesn't seem appropriate. I totally get that at some funerals, it's fine to let whatever emotions there are come, but at others, when it's not really emotions about the day, it would be better to be able to stop/postpone it.

I don't know how, though. I have heard looking up can help, and some people say tongue on the roof of your mouth can help. I wonder about valium or something for funerals that you really have to go to and don't want to be overwhelmed.

To stop yourself from crying, firmly press your tongue against the soft palate (located behind the teeth at the roof of the mouth).

This trick got me through delivery the eulogy at my mum's funeral.

If you find yourself becoming out of control, you need to remove yourself and settle down.

I feel for you op - I could be the chief mourner at anyones funeral.

As people have said you think about the people left behind and the losses you might have had and then the tears are running down your face.

Look up (supposed to stop the tears from coming) and count the ceiling tiles/windows/flowers/light fittings. Good luck x

Thank you for those of you with practical suggestions and support - especially @Cazziebo for the NLP suggestions, and @maxelly for the sensory object suggestion, I think they will help. And also for the reassurance that being a bit tearful is OK, I come from a family which doesn't do emotional so find it hard to have a benchmark of what's normal.

And @FourTeaFallOut, I was hoping for some sensitivity, given this is the bereavement board; the idea that my friend will have to 'coach me' through her daughter's funeral I find very insensitive. I'm so very aware that this grief isn't mine which is the whole point of the post.

@ SirenSays , that is really kind and thoughtful. iMHO , more consoling than any wailing. 🌸

Just be there for your friend and have plenty of tissues.

It’s acceptable to cry but try not to make this about you. Remain composed and try to remember you’re there to support your friend.

I think there's something wrong with the world if there is this attitude that if you cry loudly of draw any attention you are 'making it all about you'. That's bonkers and not how grief works. Anyone is absolutely justified in being upset at any occasion in life and especially entitled to feel sad and feel free to show that sadness at a funeral. A sad occasion very often attaches itself to something you've experienced or a thought about what's to come. We will all lose someone close to us and we will all come to the end of our lives and funerals are a stark reminder of this fact. No getting away from that. If that makes you sob then that's ok. It shows you are human and have empathy.

Also, forget the hierarchy of grief stuff.

Griefcast is a very good podcast and normalises grief rather than tries to repress it. I recommend it.