My mother is in her 80s. I wake up every morning feeling sick about losing her

[grandehorizontale]

My mother is 86. She is pin sharp - a bit grumpy and difficult but I love her. I have no idea how I will live without her. I talk to her every day and visit her regularly. I deal with all her health stuff. -take her for medical appointments, take her for a few days away......

I wake up every morning with a sense of dread. Every GP visit - every blood test - makes me feel sick. She doesn't have any terminal conditions but I am constantly frightened of what the next GP visit will reveal. Does everyone with an elderly parent live like this? Do millions of people feel like me? It doesn't help that I don't have my own children. So, when I lose her (I have already lost my father) I will be alone. I try and have a word with myself - I try and protect her from my anxiety. Would like to hear the views of others.

Do you think you're doing that thing where you imagine the worst in order to provide some protection when it happens?

To some extent, I do that and it probably did cushion the blow when my father died. But, if you're angsting on a daily basis, that mechanism has taken a wrong turn.

I used to be like this too. I lost my dad at 14 so it was just me and her and I was always terrified of losing her. She was my best friend, rock, we spoke at least once a day. It eased later on in life as I grew up and had a child of my own. She has advanced dementia now at 83 so we are losing her day by day.

I used to worry how I would cope when my Dear Parents died. They both lived long lives and died within the same year. I then realised My Mum’s parting gift to me had been resilience. Yes, I still shed a tear for them pretty much everyday but I know the best tribute to them is to continue to live my life the best I can. It’s natural to worry about your DM OP but try and treasure your time with your DM OP and try and save your mourning for when she is gone 💙

I think @Bigoldmachine has put it perfectly. I hope you can find a way to enjoy the time you have with her and let go of the anxiety. 💐

Popping in, as this is me now. My mum has recently been diagnosed with ovarian cancer, my dad died a few years back, I’m an only child, no nearby family

Mum is super fit, walks for miles a day, feels so well. I’m struggling so
much with the thought of losing her. She’s facing major surgery (with a good prognosis, as she’s super fit), then chemo.

i can’t get my head around what’s ahead, her going from the fit and able person to the one needing care. The uncertainty of what is ahead, the questionable prognosis. I want to hope for the best, but I keep jumping to the worst
And being reminded of the fact that one day, I’ll lose her anyhow

How do you live in the moment? Experience the moments of joy? With the cloud of what’s to come?

Sending love to others who are struggling ❤️

I turned it around - I would pretend that I had travelled back in time from the future, where my mother no longer lived, and had been granted the gift of seeing her alive. I concentrated on enjoying our time together and now she's gone, I do miss her but have no regrets.

I admit that I find it harder to apply the same technique to worries about losing my DH, though. However, people cope with bereavement, and I'm not that different and special - if it comes to it, I expect I will grieve but cope too.

I lost my mum nearly 40 years ago. She died in her fifties and I still cry occasionally and miss her. She was such a lovely mother and role model. But most of all I find strength in remembering her. She may have died but her love and caring linger for my siblings and me. I remember her with so much love and I was so lucky to have her as a mother.

You will survive OP. It's just your relationship with her will change but she will always be there in your memory and your life.

I can understand your feelings as I lived with them for 15 years, dreading this loss. Sadly my parent died this week. Every day as they slipped away somehow gave me a little more strength and acceptance. My focus was on them, talking, making sure of their comfort.

I feel sad and teary but it has not overwhelmed me. I was able to sit with them after death for a couple of hours, and just be, touch them and say a final goodbye as I left the body. (I did find that final goodbye difficult). I realise there is an element of adrenaline keeping me going as I make funeral arrangements.

It's been okay, the sadness continues, but I've been amazed at the protection my body and mind have given me this far.

I hope this helps you and I send my best wishes to you.

I'm so sorry for your loss @ellerman I'm glad you had time to spend saying goodbye I hope it gives you a little comfort knowing they had you there. 💐

My mum died of cancer last month. Her final big decline started in January. It was hugely stressful watching her fade away in front of me.
she died at home and I was able to sit with her body before it was taken away.
I miss her but am relieved it is all over.

💐@BigButtons for you too, I'm sorry for your loss.

I think you need some help to overcome your anxiety which must be ruining the quality time you have left with her. I lost my DDad very suddenly last October, he was 96 so we knew we wouldn't have him for much longer but he was incredible, still living alone, fully with it and driving safely, then it all changed. 12 days from diagnosis to death and I moved in with him in those final days to look after him. I miss him every day. You mustn't let your fear of the inevitable ruin every day. Please seek help to work through your feelings.

It’s best not to borrow trouble from the future. You don’t know what may happen. I used to think like you -my parents are in their 80s - but then I got cancer and it’s likely that I will die before my parents. It is not an uncommon scenario -elderly parents outliving their middle-aged offspring.

I feel this every day with my parents. Big hug x

Please try and enjoy your time you have. Don't lose precious time.

None of us know when we will leave but we all will. I'm not sure that your grief will be lessened in anyway by worrying now. I lost my Mum a month ago and we knew she was terminally ill....its still awful.

So please see if you can get help for your anxiety so you enjoy every moment together , hopefully for many, many more years.