Where to get professional urgent advice for a child who lost their mum

[aLittleL1fe]

An 11y old child wants to see their mum one last time before the funeral takes place. The death was sudden and the body looks different due to the circumstances of sudden death. Mum would not want to be seen like this but dad agreed to take the child as this was the child's decision. Is there an organisation that could provide urgent support and advice to dad on how to talk to the child about this, how to prepare them so they're sure they make an informed decision? I googled up Winston's Wish, sudden.org, Cruse, Sue Ryder and Marie Curie but don't know if any of them would be able to speak urgently? (within days). Anything else to consider?..

I hope you are able to find a way that makes it as okay for everyone as possible. Prayers for you all.

I’m so sorry.

There is a funeral director in the AMA section with a thread at the moment. She is very helpful and could guide you.

Previously at work we have used like a heavy veil type effect over the deceased’s face if they had changed a little too much since they died. You can still see them but it’s softer somehow?

Nelson’s Journey is another good charity. Lots of love to you all.

I’m so sorry for your loss. If she has had a violent death, it is really important that her child knows what to expect from the body and has the information to decide if they do want to see them. Winstons wish do have a very quick response time.

I heard of a case where the children just saw their parent's hand and were able to touch or kiss it if they wished.

That might be a idea for a compromise in an awful situation. Though I wish I’d realised before I went to see my Mum (I was an adult) that she would be so cold to touch. I don’t know what I was expecting, but it really shocked me.

Im so sorry or your loss.
I can only tell you of my experience as an 18 yr old.
I was terrified going into the room with my boyfriend and parent.
OK once I saw them but unfortunately for me I stroked their head as the hair was not in the normal style and I felt the string from ear to ear.
Their hand was cold and ridget so I couldn't hold it.
My lasting memory for many many years was of them lie that not the memory of 18 happy years.
As that 18 Yr old child please don't do that to your 11yr old.
Let them remember her alive and have happy memories.
Thinking of you both x

My dad died suddenly when I was 12. It wasn’t a violent death, but he was alive when I went to school and dead when I came home. We had a wake and his body came home in the coffin and stayed in my parents room. I went in to see him and I’m so glad I did. I can still see his face now lying in the coffin as I’m typing. It was the best way to say good bye. I stroked his face and I kissed him. It was a very healing thing to do. Happy to be PMd.

Winstons wish is fantastic but can I just say that I think the answer should be no. No matter how well the funeral directors have done their job, his mum will not look like his mum anymore.

I lost my mum when I was 21, it was a very sudden death and I didn't see her body afterwards, my 16 year old brother did though and he was traumatised by it. My dad died 7 years later after a long illness at home, I saw him in his bed immediately after he passed, I didn't quite make it in time after getting the call and he was already very much gone, he just wasn't Dad anymore. He didn't look like he was sleeping, he looked like he was gone.

His current memories of his mum will be so much better that the ones he will have if he visits her now.

Just an idea, would it help if the dad saw the mom first and took a photo from a distance of mom so the child could make more of an informed decision whether to proceed with actually seeing mom. It would be a bit of a half way house?

If they are at a Local Authority school there should be a linked Educational Psychologist. They often get involved when a child has a bereavement and they should normally be able to come in at short notice- the Father could ask the Headteacher?

Very sorry x

I had an urgent question about whether I was doing the right thing for my DC relating to DH’s death (he had a cardboard coffin for ecological reasons and the funeral director asked if DC would like to decorate it, when the day came I panicked about whether I was doing the right thing). I called the child bereavement uk helpline (winston’s wish were busy and didn’t answer) to talk it through with someone. She hadn’t come across the exact situation but could apply her knowledge of what is likely to be helpful and reassure me.