No Eulogy

[InABetterPlaceNow]

Hi everyone,

My Grandma's funeral is next week. It's a Catholic service. At my mums funeral a few years ago we did have a eulogy, but in the notes Grandma left me it says "No eulogy" and instead she left a short text by Cardinal Newman.

In one sense it takes a whole load of pressure off me, and as I'm scared of public speaking it's a kindness. However I'm also worried people will think I decided not to do one etc.

From Google searches it looks like perhaps it's quite usual for strict catholic funerals not to have a eulogy? Do you think it's OK if I say a few words before, saying how super organised she was (holding up the notebook she left me with her wishes), that she didn't want one but (everything she meant to me) yet I couldn't possibly capture what she meant to so many people and we can share stories in the gathering after? Then go on to the reading?

Thank you.

I think that sounds perfect OP. You’ll be respecting her wishes whilst making it clear what she meant to you. I’m really sorry for your loss xx

I read an eulogy at my mum’s funeral earlier in the year - it was bloody tough but I’m used to public speaking and had a glass of wine beforehand!

I'm so sorry for your loss.

I think to be in keeping with her wishes, I'd keep your comments even shorter - that she expressly said she didn't want a eulogy but you would love to share stories after the service. And then move on.

Raised Catholic here.

Yes, eulogies are 'optional' and many parishes tend to leave the fond memories to any after party/wake/tea.

My mother also stipulated ‘No family tributes’ - so we wrote a piece about her which was included in the Order of Service. Went down well.

Sorry for your loss @InABetterPlaceNow
I think that sounds ok.

You will still have readings, response to the psalm, communion etc,
A funeral mass is usually only about 45 mins.

Thank you everyone

Is there going to be an order of service (not sure if that's the right term for a funeral)? I would put a note on that for everyone to read.

I'm thinking this?

Grandma left me a book with her wishes [hold up book], that we went through many times, and she didn’t want a eulogy. I’m glad in a sense, because I couldn’t hope to capture what she meant to each and every one of us. I’m looking forward to sharing our memories about her after the service.

She wanted, instead for me to read a text Cardinal Newman.

Pause

O Lord, support us all the day long of this troublous life, until the shades lengthen and the evening comes, the busy world is hushed, the fever of life is over and our work is done; then Lord,in thy mercy, grant us safe lodging, a holy rest, and peace at the last, through Jesus Christ our Lord. Amen.

I'm honestly not sure I could hold things together longer than that but also don't want people to think I'm not giving her the best send off I can this is awful

@knittingaddict

Is there going to be an order of service (not sure if that's the right term for a funeral)? I would put a note on that for everyone to read.

Unfortunately I'd already sent off the order of service before I read that idea (which would have been lovely).

Am I messing this all up?

I’m a practicing Catholic and that sounds perfect.

@Medicaltextbook

I’m a practicing Catholic and that sounds perfect.

Thank you!!

That’s beautiful, perfectly in line with her wishes and yours

That sounds lovely, and very in keeping with what she wanted whilst still letting everyone know how apraxia she was.

Op what you've gone with sounds wonderful

@InABetterPlaceNow

I'm thinking this?

Grandma left me a book with her wishes [hold up book], that we went through many times, and she didn’t want a eulogy. I’m glad in a sense, because I couldn’t hope to capture what she meant to each and every one of us. I’m looking forward to sharing our memories about her after the service.

She wanted, instead for me to read a text Cardinal Newman.

Pause

O Lord, support us all the day long of this troublous life, until the shades lengthen and the evening comes, the busy world is hushed, the fever of life is over and our work is done; then Lord,in thy mercy, grant us safe lodging, a holy rest, and peace at the last, through Jesus Christ our Lord. Amen.

I'm honestly not sure I could hold things together longer than that but also don't want people to think I'm not giving her the best send off I can this is awful

That is perfect. It explains why there's no eulogy while respecting your grandmas wishes.

Thank you so much everyone!!!

I've got a Book of Remembrance for after the service which everyone can share their stories afterwards (if they want to). I've heard so many already while reaching out to people. She was so special to so many people. I hope I can do both her, and everyone who loved her, proud

Hi inabetter place.
I would definitely go with your Grandma’s wishes.
Eulogies are relatively modern in the Catholic church but are now becoming a bit frowned upon and indeed some churches have banned them. Your Grandma would perhaps be of the old school when there were no eulogies. I’ve been to 2 Catholic funerals this month and there was no eulogy for either.
The only other alternative is for the priest to say a few words on your behalf and he would do this after the gospel as part of his sermon.

@Tweedledeeanddum

Hi inabetter place. I would definitely go with your Grandma’s wishes. Eulogies are relatively modern in the Catholic church but are now becoming a bit frowned upon and indeed some churches have banned them. Your Grandma would perhaps be of the old school when there were no eulogies. I’ve been to 2 Catholic funerals this month and there was no eulogy for either. The only other alternative is for the priest to say a few words on your behalf and he would do this after the gospel as part of his sermon.

Thank you!! That's a real comfort. Would how I'm approaching it still be OK?

She was definitely a strict catholic, and her faith got her through unspeakably hard times. I have no doubt it's how she was able to stay with us for so long.

The church the service will be held in does allow eulogies, but it's quite strict in other ways - we aren't allowed any secular music, the sisters lead the hymns etc.

She will know how much I want to give her a nod though, so I think she'll forgive me for adding a bit before. I hope!!

And to add to the bit about something being said in the sermon - I've left this with her half sister as the priest said he would get back to her about doing exactly this.

Glad I can help.
As you have now said that she a strict Catholic, I honestly would not say a word but only read the prayer. This is much more in keeping with the requiem mass.
Just to give you the broader picture.
The requiem mass is seen as being of a holy nature and should not be interrupted by any one getting up to speak ( hard to explain this concept).
Hope this helps.

The requiem mass is seen as being of a holy nature and should not be interrupted by any one getting up to speak

Any Mass is a holy event, of course!

I'm a Catholic. Many parishes prefer eulogies to be at the start or very end so as not to interrupt the liturgy.

What you're suggesting is perfect - respectful to your Grandma's wishes but very sincere & beautiful too. 💐 my condolences on your loss.

That’s great news about the priest - so he is basically doing the eulogy for you 😅.
This will be the most important bit of the mass for you.
Yeah Earrings is right you could do at the beginning but not possible at the end due to logistics.

@Tweedledeeanddum

Glad I can help. As you have now said that she a strict Catholic, I honestly would not say a word but only read the prayer. This is much more in keeping with the requiem mass. Just to give you the broader picture. The requiem mass is seen as being of a holy nature and should not be interrupted by any one getting up to speak ( hard to explain this concept). Hope this helps.

Thank you! That's really helpful to know.

I've just called her close friends (who are very much the same in terms of faith / devotion to the church) and read through what I intend to say. They think it's perfect and will be fine for the requiem mass to still have full effect.

I think God and Grandma will forgive me. I just couldn't say nothing at all. I think she'll will know that too

@Tweedledeeanddum

That’s great news about the priest - so he is basically doing the eulogy for you 😅. This will be the most important bit of the mass for you. Yeah Earrings is right you could do at the beginning but not possible at the end due to logistics.

Fingers crossed! He's not come back to her yet though so it might not happen. But I've left that between the two of them (I need to for my own sanity!).

The reading I'm doing is right at the start, just after we come into the church. So still in keeping I think. It's why they still allow a eulogy I believe. So my bit of blurb will be right at the start, into the reading, then the mass will start from there.

@EarringsandLipstick

The requiem mass is seen as being of a holy nature and should not be interrupted by any one getting up to speak

Any Mass is a holy event, of course!

I'm a Catholic. Many parishes prefer eulogies to be at the start or very end so as not to interrupt the liturgy.

What you're suggesting is perfect - respectful to your Grandma's wishes but very sincere & beautiful too. 💐 my condolences on your loss.

Thank you!