What special things can I do for my mum in her final weeks?

[Straysocks]

A couple of weeks ago we found out that my mum has cancer that had spread and was untreatable. She is in her late eighties and says she is ready to go, doesn't want to fight it and is thankful for her long life. Close family are visiting, I stayed with them over half-term with my children. So far visits from palliative care and district nurses, morphine as and when, lots of sleeping but also really lucid a lot of the time. She's clearly declining but has some time left and wants to enjoy it. She can't go out, moving can cause terrible pain. They have a garden she loves but she's not very comfortable outside. There's a lot to do practically, primarily ensuring my sister who has learning difficulties is cared for now and in the future so lots of meetings. I'm doing almost all of their domestic tasks and attending to my children. I can do this for as long as she has, it really won't be very long. What I am absolutely struggling with though is ideas for really special events or touches do some really special moments. Please share any ideas or experiences you have in similar circumstances. We're hoping for a good, loving and sweet departure for a very kind and giving woman. Appreciate your thoughts

Your love for your mum sings out from your postings. If it is so plain to see for us, a bunch of strangers, how much clearer it will be to your mum. And there is nothing quite so special as for her to know that she is loved, and surrounded by your love.

OP you sound so lovely. Not a note of self pity in your posts despite going through hell.

Good luck to you. My father died of cancer at home and I remember how tough it was. Your mother sounds utterly fabulous.

Xxx

💐💐💐❤️

So lovely to read such kind words, thank you. I've been very, very lucky. Yesterday was a bad day, she was so still, so silent, no eye contact just smiles. Today her cousins came over and it was the most fun. Photo albums out, turns out the mysterious black & white snap of a baby, which she didn't like to throw away was in fact the visitor! So glad this decades old mystery was resolved in the final days! In a very poignant moment she sang along to the background music and directed her voice to them, singing so sweetly how she loved them so, no sadness just beautiful. Loving without holding back, so happily. My absolute favourite moment perhaps was when my son found her bed moved up and down via buttons and he raised her whilst she pretended to be riding a horse to our numerous calls of 'yee ha!!'.

At the start of this thread I was so worried about how to make her feel special. I still find it quite puzzling and will have feelings to resolve about that. You all told me it was quite simple and you were right. We did not need planes flying banners across the sky or a brass band parade. We have laughed, held hands, danced, reminisced and held each other tight. To all of you who have lost and nursed your loved ones, thank you for the guidance and love to all.

This is a really lovely thread. Your love for your mum shines through. When my dad was very ill his ankles and feet were swollen and I'd bathe them in a bowl and massage them with cream afterwards. The relief he felt was tremendous. I wonder whether your mum would like that, or handcream on her hands. Maybe a little perfume if it would bring back memories or a favourite item of clothing. Touch and smell are so important. Just sitting quietly with her, holding her hand, will help too, as things progress. for you and your mum.

It sounds like you’re doing a wonderful job! When my lovely dad was dying we sat with him lots, talked about old times, holidays, things he’d done/said that were funny.. took my children to see him everyday.. we also sang a lot. We told him we loved him and that he was safe and we were going to be with him through everything. It took a long time for him to die. He really fought it and at the end when he body couldn’t take it anymore we told him that it was ok for him to go and be free..

Reassure your mum that you will take care of your sister as I’m sure that will be a big worry for her.

It’s such a traumatic experience, and the anxiety of when/how long/what it will be like is overwhelming. Sending you lots of love and strength xxx

@CharlieBoo @HollowTalk thank you for those messages and interesting to hear the experience you had with your loved ones at the very end. Permission to go ... we're on the second day of very altered breathing and lack of consciousness, it really could be any time. I'm now not sure I'm prepared enough for my sister's grief. We've spoken openly about Mum dying in the last few days. Their bond is a kind of alchemy and the force/fallout will be great. This will be my children's first experience of grief, I feel unprepared for this too. We are indeed at the very edge now, I feel like I will fall.

You will not fall. You’re held up by love. Your mother’s love for you, and your sister, and your children. Energy doesn’t die, love doesn’t die. Everything your mum was will flow through you and your family, and hold you up. You will not fall.

The photo you shared is beautiful and moved me to tears. It is one I would have framed, such delicate beauty.

You may well fall, and allow yourself to fall if it's needed. But you will also find that the love and strength she has so obviously taught you, will help pick you back up.

Memory Book

This is a lovely book, maybe you could sit with your mum and fill it out for her and it'll be something lovely to keep, you also could have a good time reminiscing.

I'm sorry you're going through this. It must be extremely hard, I hope you get to spend the rest of the time you have with your mum showing her just how much she means to you and finding some peace.

Oh, my lovely.
This thread has made me cry. What a beautiful way to demonstrate the love for your Mum.

Very, very recently I lost my younger sister to cancer.
I understand the brutality of this.
Unfortunately/ fortunately we didn't really have much time at all.
We had a prognosis of years, then suddenly during a routine hospital appointment it was days.
We had planned a home hospice, but it didn't happen.

Love is a verb, and you are excelling.
When she is no longer physically there, keep loving her as though she is. That sounds nonsensical initially, but becomes easier every day.
The love doesn't go anywhere. It's still beautiful, and you will find your own ways to express it.

Sending you all love.

I replied earlier on and then took a break as it's 21 years since my darling Mum died around this time - how time has gone by

You are doing amazing . Love is. It's so hard and yet such a honour to have time to say goodbye. Hold her hand with yours , talk to her , stroke her face and just be.

Sending the biggest hug I can .

I didn't fall, thanks for holding me up, thanks for recognising the beauty and the pain and reflecting it all back with tenderness.

Mum passed away so peacefully on Wednesday. My sister had kissed her good morning and told her she loved her. I was lying next to her with my head in her neck chatting away. She'd heard from my step-dad (in hospital). She simply stopped breathing, it couldn't have been any more peaceful.

There's a stillness just now. A world of complex logistics awaits but stillness just now. Thanks and love to all of you.

So sorry for your loss, you seem like a wonderful daughter

Many . Straysocks.

So glad for you that you could be with your mum at the end. It is a privilege to be with the dying, to speed their passing with love.

Sorry for your loss, I'm glad that you were able to be with her

Get the photo albums out, revisit old memories, ask her about her memories, then discuss ones you’ve had together.

As silly as it sounds, have a party. All pull up a chair around her, have some easy but enjoyable party games, lovely nibbles and party snacks, laugh together.

Apologies I didn’t RTFT. Really sorry for your loss. I’m glad you were able to be with her. You’re in my thoughts today

I am so sorry.
Keep the love with you.
She will find ways to give it back to you.

@Straysocks

I didn't fall, thanks for holding me up, thanks for recognising the beauty and the pain and reflecting it all back with tenderness.

Mum passed away so peacefully on Wednesday. My sister had kissed her good morning and told her she loved her. I was lying next to her with my head in her neck chatting away. She'd heard from my step-dad (in hospital). She simply stopped breathing, it couldn't have been any more peaceful.

There's a stillness just now. A world of complex logistics awaits but stillness just now. Thanks and love to all of you.

This is beautiful. I’m so sorry for your loss but I am happy you and your mum and your family had the death that was right and loving and calm. Expect the unexpected emotions now. Sending love.

@Straysocks 💐
Take care of you

I've just read your update. I'm very sorry for your loss. Please be proud of all the love & care you have shown your lovely mum. I hope you can take comfort in knowing you did everything you could to shower her with love in her final days.