I just don't know how to go on.

[peachgreen]

My beautiful DH died suddenly in October. Sorry to those of you who have already heard me banging on about all this. I have a 3 year old DD and she's really the only reason I'm still here. DH was all my happiness, he was my true soulmate and everything I needed. He made me so utterly content and I felt completely loved. I don't really know how to go on without that feeling. Or, to be honest, why. Right now I feel like I just have to trudge through life for DD and I can hardly bear it. I'm so, so unhappy. I miss him so much. And I can't see how I could ever be happy again. I'm no good on my own, being happily married was all I had ever wanted but I can't imagine anyone ever living up to DH or, for that matter, anyone else ever loving me the way he did. I just don't know what to do.

@peachgreen - I remember all the wonderful words you wrote about your DH. You wrote beautifully, and your love for eachother was lovely to read.

I’m sorry, but I have no advice to help. But I do follow someone on Twitter (@GaryScribbler), who lost his wife a few years ago. He is an illustrator and has drawn a doodle every day for a few years now. They are beautiful to see - the doodles are sometimes of him, the wife he lost, his 2 children. Through his doodles I’ve seen him crying numerous times, crying with his kids, alone, with his friends. His family survived to begin with, he had to teach himself new things, he became a solo parent. They’ve struggled, his illustrations explain exactly how he feels.

And now they’re thriving. Maybe it’ll help to see his illustrations, maybe not, but I thought I’d mention them.

Really wishing you and your daughter the best x

I’ve seen the work of Gary Scribbler too. He expresses the grief so well with his drawings. Is it helpful to hear other stories? If so, then maybe look him up.

There is a charity called WAY (widowed and young) for people who are widowed at a young age. They have a very active Facebook page for members and lots of meet ups etc for support. It can be very comforting to chat to people who just ‘get it’ because they’ve been where you are or are at the same stage. I have found it really helpful. I was widowed when my kids were 7 and 10. You will get through this. Lots of love.

Thank you everyone, I can't tell you how grateful I am to hear from you all

@ProbablyGryffindor I follow Gary on instagram but didn't realise he had Twitter too so I'll follow him there now - thank you. He is a real inspiration.

@Crispsareafoodgroup I'm a member of WAY and they have been such a lifeline. Such an amazing charity. I'm so sorry for your loss and hope you and your kids are doing okay

I'm sorry you are in so much pain.

If you haven't already, it will be worth speaking to your GP about formal counselling, or self referring to cruse or a local psychological well being service.

There is some thinking that sudden death of a spouse or family member can result in a PTSD type response to add to "normal grief" (whatever "normal" is to you), so you may need some more specialist counselling than ordinarily grief counselling , hopefully cruse would be able to support, but if they can't, it would definitely be worth finding out what mental health support is available in your area.

How are you getting on today, Peach?

Thank you for checking in @SwanShaped. The despair of the weekend has settled a little and I'm functioning again, although not with very much enthusiasm. I just miss him so desperately - he was such a wonderful person, my very very best friend and the love of my life. I had the very hard realisation that I will probably live much, much longer without him than I did with him - we were only together for 8 years - and that made me realise that I can't spend my whole life in mourning, even though I will always grieve his loss. But realising that doesn't make it any easier to see how to stop it. But I know I don't want to feel this way forever and I know he wouldn't want me to. Just not entirely sure how to go about living again.

That’s good you’re feeling able to function again. That’s a hard realisation for you to have. I’m not sure if you can do anything to make the sadness stop. Just let time take its course so the intensity fades

I don't think there is a way in the sense of a path to content, peachgreen. Looking back, I don't see my time after my DH died as one day at time, just doing what needed to be done at the the time.

Is it living? Certainly.
Am I happy? Sometimes. I miss the laughs the most.
Do I grieve the loss of my DH? Yes, and continually, though not as a daily burden.

I too sought counselling after my OH died. I asked around for a recommendation, but otherwise you can google counsellors in your area .
I found her help invaluable. She grasped the central dilemmas and quietly listened. She helped assuage my guilt too as I had had to make the decision to let him go rather than see him suffer on.

I can only say that the pain does ease, but it is not quick. Losing the person who loves you unconditionally and with whom you share history, jokes etc. It is a wrench I know.

Bizarrely I took some comfort in the fact that the same thing is happening to millions around the world every day and that it is simply part of the natural course of things.

Take care; get through each day - it does get better.

If you do seek counselling, and I hope you do, please look for someone who specialises in grief. Mine did and it was the best decision I've made.

I find that time doesn't make it easer or better or even change your grief, but instead you find peace. Losing a loved one is the most individual experience you can go through, but I certainly found professional help a place in which I felt safe to verbalise feelings and thoughts which I couldn't share with family and friends, then learning new strategies in managing my grief. Medication can help in balancing your brain chemicals.

8 year later do I have a happy life? Yes I do. Am I at peace? I think so. Do I still grieve? Absolutely, but it has changed or rather I have. Although sometimes, normally over random things, it hits me just as it did all those years ago.

Peach, you are still in the very early stages of bereavement.
8 months in is a tough time. It’s when grief moves from acute to chronic, when you are heartily sick of being miserable, when you begin to accept emotionally that the loss is permanent, when support from friends is beginning to fade away, when the initial coping mechanisms of shock and denial have worn off.
That first year is a bastard. All the “firsts” without DH - the first DD birthday, your wedding anniversary, Christmas. Even the first trips back to places you went with DH.
But it will get better.
Trust me on this - I am 30 years further down the bereavement road than you are, and I promise you will not feel like this forever.
At the moment things seem 100% black. But the day will come when it’s only 95% black. When you find you are laughing at something DD says. When you find you haven’t thought about DH for a whole 20 minutes. Gradually, the good bits get longer and the sad bits shorter.
At first you might feel guilty, that letting go of grief is a betrayal of DH. Don’t. He would want you to be happy, and to give his DD a happy childhood.
I have quoted it before on MN, Peach, but I will repeat the wise words of the memorial by the Water of Leith in Edinburgh:

“Grief is not forever. But love is.”

God bless. May your journey through bereavement to happiness be as short as possible. I know you will get there.

I also recommend WAY as a friend found the group very helpful as everyone there understands about grief

I hope you manage to have a peaceful weekend @peachgreen 💕