Grief over mum who died 35 years ago

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I’m posting to try and get my thoughts and feelings out really, and wondering if anyone else has experienced similar?

So my mum died just over 35 years ago when I was 5, she had just turned 41. Today I’m a day older than she was when she died.... I’m 41 and also have a 5 year old daughter.

I can barely remember my mum, being so young when she died. Just very occasional fleeting memories but nothing concrete. I still had a positive childhood with an amazing dad and very supportive family. I’m fortunate that I’ve grown up to have a happy marriage, wonderful children and a job I love.

Whilst I’ve always been sad that my mum died, when I was little I don’t think I really understood and then when I was older it was just my normal. It really has only begun to affect me strongly in terms of grief since becoming a parent.

I think knowing how devastated I’d be if I found out I was going to die, and not get to see my precious children grow up, has given me so much sadness for how she must have felt. And also looking at my daughter and how much she needs and loves me, I have so much empathy for myself as a child if that makes any sense.

In some ways today, I feel so grateful that I’m here, I’ve survived longer than my mum did and my children have. But I’m also full of sadness for my mum and a bit of me stills fears getting unwell and facing what she had to.

Has anyone else suddenly been hit by grief such a long time after their loss? I don’t think I was expecting it and it’s a bit overwhelming.

I always found a sort of unspoken empathy with anyone who lost a parent young. Like we were all sort of slightly off kilter and not like other people.

Lots have mental health issues ime. But then why wouldn’t they ?

Just remembered, there is a book that I picked up a couple of years ago called 'Motherless Daughters'. I haven't read much of it as naturally it was quite a strain on my emotions, but it does explain similarities between women who lose their mum young and how it can impact you as you become an adult/parent/wife etc. I should really finish it sometime. Definitely worth a look if you want a deeper understanding and to read of other experiences so you don't feel as alone.

I have no personal experience of this but I want to say you are all amazing and I feel sure that the OP has gotten comfort and I suppose reassurance that what she is feeling is both normal and perhaps in some way necessary in terms of her own mental health going forward. I am a firm believer that things will always 'come out' and present themselves to be dealt with and it is good OP that you have the insight to know what the 'thing' is and the willingness to work on dealing with it.

I’ve had a similar experience my mum died when I was 5. I think I’ve struggled with it all my life really, it sort of changes but it’s always there. I had my daughter at 40 and my mum died at 31, but I definitely have a worry that I won’t have much time with my daughter as I didn’t with my mother:

It also really struck me that even now at 4 I can see that me and her dad are so central to my daughter’s life, you sort of make sense of the world for young kids and hold them together: I think that has impacted my internal story of thinking oh I was young and I can’t remember her maybe it didn’t matter so much. I also think of how much I hug; hold, comfort and play with my daughter and that my mum must have done the same with me even though I can’t remember it. I think that’s bringing a lot of grief but maybe also makes me feel closer to her than I have done for much of my life.

I would second everyone that recommended therapy I’ve found it so helpful.

Sorry for the delay in returning to the thread..... been working and parenting and haven’t had a moment to think straight.

@cakebythepound1234 I’ll have a look at that book, it sounds interesting albeit emotional no doubt.

I’ll definitely look into the therapy on offer as it can never hurt to talk things through.

I can definitely feel a shift since passing what I felt was such a significant date. Like a bit of a weight and anxiety has been lifted.

Thanks again for the support.

I was 12 when my mum died, she was 31 and my siblings were between 10 and 2. I found my grief hit me all over again when I was mum’s age with a dc almost the same age as I had been. Like you describe I felt utterly bereft for the child I was and I couldn’t stand the pain of thinking how it would hurt my children if I died. I think talking to a grief councillor is a good idea, it’s been 27 years and I still think it would help me. One thing that comforts me now when I feel sad about her not meeting her grandchildren is that while she carried me she was also carrying the eggs that they came from. So she didn’t meet them but she did hold them in a way. A bit weird I know but it does help me! It makes me sad to read all of your stories and know that so many of us went through this.

I have a friend who, for various reasons went into care when she was 6. She grew up to have a very stable life it would seem with a good marriage etc but when her dd became 6 she completely fell apart. She needed much counselling and support and came through it. So it seems any crisis in childhood can be stirred up by our children reaching that mark. It would be a really good time to access counselling as when the emotions are there it's a good time to explore them.
Losing your mum at such an early age was a huge blow to your life.

OP, thank you for starting this thread, and all others thank you for sharing on it.

I came on here to start something similar. Like a couple of PP, I bottled up my grief and it never really came out properly until I had my own daughter. She's 7 now, a year younger than I was when Mum first fell, very suddenly, ill and my blissful childhood came to an abrupt end and 2 years younger than when Mum died. In a funny way I found it so hard seeing DD turn 7 because it was the last really happy year for me for a very, very long time. I remember it being so perfect and I want it to be that way for DD too, in this strange 'just in case' way I suppose. Then I feel guilty and awful when it's not. I also feel guilty and awful that Mum was so patient and amazing parenting us through terminal cancer and sometimes I'm rubbish and impatient and shouty and I'm healthy.

Nobody really knows about it - I find it impossible to talk to DH about it because he tries really hard to be empathetic but he has had the most charmed life and just has no idea. So, sorry that all spilled out. I've read the Motherless Daughters book and found it really helpful to know that these feelings are normal, but I have no idea how to work through them right now as I hate speaking to people over the phone/video calls at the best of times so will need to wait until it's possible to see a grief counsellor in person.

Sorry again for the spill... I guess that needed to come out

It is so strange that this is the exact topic which has been on my mind and I’ve clicked on this board and your thread is top of the list.

I lost my mum 33 years ago, I was 9.

I have dealt with the grief well through my life, as you say, it’s normal to us when it’s all we know.

Following a recent family bereavement I am finding myself exploring my grief more and I just feel incredibly sad for my mum.
Like yours she was 41. I keep thinking about her lying in hospital knowing she was going to die.

I feel so sorry for her and for me.

I am actually having counselling right now, partly for grief and we are talking about my childhood a lot and my mum death.
It’s opening up a lot of questions for me but I think it’s helping. I’ve always felt like I’ve dealt with it quite well but I know there’s a well of sadness and anger and grief I’ve pushed down.

This is a really good programme about childhood grief. Al Aynsley Green was bereaved as a child and went on to become a Children's Commissioner.

www.bbc.co.uk/sounds/play/b01mc1rj

It resonated with me as my twin brother died at just 3 yrs and I don't really remember him. I thought I was OK with it until my younger son got to 3 and I realised what a trauma it must have been.
I also think everyone assumed I was unaffected as a child being so young so I thought so too. I was surprised how strong the feelings were.
In the programme he talks about 'catastrophising' things,always expecting things to go wrong because they did,and I'm afraid that does apply to me too often.