How do you explain Death to a child and at what age do they "get it"?????

[BandofMutantMonsters]

my mum's DP died nearly a year ago just before DD1 was 3. She loved her "Uncle" X and didn't really understand.
I thought about how to tell her very hard. I had to tell her something as she asked about him, and she was there when we were all at my house when we heard the news.
I decided to tell her that he fell down the stairs (she heard this at the time or I would not have been so specific) and hurt himself and that the doctors couldn't fix him. I said he had gone now and we wouldn't see him again. She asks every now and again if he is going to get better, and can she take him some medicine [bless]
I just repeat what I originally said, she asks for details sometimes, and seems to think that anyone who died fell down the stairs, she also plays dead games.
How have you dealt with this issue and when did they sort of understand it??

I think she is starting to understand as she just said "I'm never going to see him again amI??" and she said she wanted to see him and she missed him.

Did I say the right things???

both ways are hard, i have a mate whos DH was killed. the shock was massive.
in some ways i think i am lucky to know, so that we can prepare but it is a rollercoaster ride cos feeling like we are grieving already which makes enjoying what time we have difficult as well as the fact that he is so confused not very mobile and generally feels terrible, it makes enjoying stuff harder IYKWIM

Dd is going through a rather morbid phase at the moment. She is 4 and a half and has started talking about families and relations. That developed into "who is granny's daddy". Then "where is he". So explained that his heart stopped working and he died.
It's so tricky because your answers are so important and tend to lead into other questions. Like "is he still in his bed then". No, he was taken away. "Will I die?" To which I responded "not for a hundred years" and resulted in her sobbing (and me feeling like sobbing). So then said, "you will never know that you've died" which bizarrely seemed a more palatable answer.
Am finding it really hard to explain without being too specific and too bleak. Tried the hand and glove thing, but don't want to push it.

Thanks for the hand in glove story Twig, my ds lost a friend from his pre school a few weeks back. I hadn't told him about it but he found out today, so lots of questions etc. Have done my best but think i may have left him slightly confused, so that really is a great way of explaining it simply.

last night when I told DS that he couldn't take a battery operated car in to the bath he asked if the car would die if he did... so I think that tells me that he is understanding death as person/animal/object not working anymore. I guess he is along the right lines there for a 4 yr old.

the difficulty for my thre who have autism is being very clear, people saying "passed away" "gone to sleep" "gone to a better place" just ain't going to work

Thanks Twig, I find this a really hard subject to talk to my DCs about. That is really helpful.

I think saying Gone to sleep is getting into dagerous ground with children anyway, you don't want them thinking that they, or you and every one they love might not wake up on any given day. They might refuse to go to bed. At least that is the kind of logic that my DD1 would apply.
When talking about a woman I knew who had died of Breast Cancer, stupidly, in front of DD1 she asked if she had fallen down the stairs, so I said no she had something in her body that wasn't supposed to be there, and it hurt her. So then she said another time will she die from falling down the stairs or because of something in her body that shouldn't be there?? They take it all at extreme face value and you have to be so choosy with words.

It really does suck that Steve is so ill during this time you should be "enjoying"