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Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

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Original poster

The last time I saw you...

49 replies

tiredteddy · 11/08/2019 21:14

It was today, 2 years ago, the last time I saw my mum. It was rushed and hectic. I was cross with my eldest son For being late. My parents came to buy the children holiday reading books and took us all to costa. I said goodbye in Sainsbury’s car park. Who knew. That that would be the last time I ever saw you, hugged you, smiled at you, watched you watching me in that way that you did, your eyes smiling laughing at me your silly daughter. The last time I saw you said “oh I do love you” with the warmest of laughs. My three are growing and changing so fast and I miss you so much still. Don’t think it’s really getting any easier at all.

OP posts:

Original poster

tiredteddy · 14/09/2019 08:46

Tiotoptap that is exactly it. Something has shifted forever. It’s like we are remaking how we work as a family now. We have really happy times. But they are different. It’s realising that this is the new normal. Sorry for you loss...

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echt · 15/09/2019 04:55

I came across this last week. It's from "Erstwhile" by Chris Wallace-Crabbe:

The loss remains behind
Like never being well

It so sums up the feeling after bereavement.

Monty27 · 15/09/2019 05:05

Beautifully written OP.
I'm so sorry for you and your family's loss.
Your DM obviously adored you. She didn't plan to leave.
I've got DC's in their 20s. The last thing I want to do is leave them. As with most DMS.
Keep growing with the love she taught you. The love you still have for her.
She'd want to give you that strength.
Take it.

tryingtobebetterallthetime · 15/09/2019 05:21

Yes, like never being well. A lovely tribute OP.

My Mom was with me today as I chopped root vegetables for our first of the season "winterstew". I know she would have delighted in the change of seasons a cold, windy, and rainy day brought to Vancouver today.

Your Mum is with you always.

redcarbluecar · 15/09/2019 05:51

This is so very moving to read. A reminder also of how special s relationship can be. I hope you find some comfort from your wonderful memories of your mum

Bobthefishermanswife · 15/09/2019 05:56

Oh @tiredteddy I have the same relationship with my mum that you've described yours, literally my best friend. Thank you for putting it so eloquently. I can't imagine how you feel right now but I'm so utterly heartbroken for you and you've made me want to squeeze mine a little tighter when I see her later.

Sending you love and hugs xx

Original poster

tiredteddy · 16/09/2019 09:39

@echt that quote is so true. Exactly how I feel. Like it’s always there. Is it from a book? Or a poem... I might like to read it.

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Original poster

tiredteddy · 16/09/2019 09:43

@Monty27 the way you said “she didn’t plan to leave” that it. Exactly it. The most difficult part. I’m struggling lost looking at my eldest. He’s a 6ft 15 year old now, and I’m not sure she’d recognise him he’s changed so much in this short time she’s been gone. That and the fact she was his biggest advocate, he’s struggled with difficulties through secondary school. She was always who I’d talk to about it. She was a teacher and she understood.

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Original poster

tiredteddy · 16/09/2019 09:46

@tryingtobebetterallthetime @redcarbluecar thank you for your kindness. Our relationship was special. I will never have that again with anyone. The way we all feel about our children, they are our world, we forget as adults I think that that’s how our mums feel about us.

@Bobthefishermanswife yes squeeze you mum tight and treasure her. Thanks for the hugs x

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VictoriaBun · 16/09/2019 09:47

I lost my mum nearly 6 years ago. The hurt never goes away .
I love it when I dream about my mum , it brings her to life for just a moment.
The pain does lessen in time , you will realise you can think about her with a smile on your face more than a tear.

Inmyownlittlecorner · 16/09/2019 09:57

So beautifully written OP & I’m so sorry for your loss.
I lost my beautiful Mum unexpectedly almost a year ago. It’s her Birthday on Saturday & she died 4 days later. Your post really moved me. Sending you love. X

Original poster

tiredteddy · 16/09/2019 16:36

@VictoriaBun thank you

@Inmyownlittlecorner I have found the anniversaries really hard. I tend to cope on the day, checking on my dad, making sure we are all together. But then I crash for a few days afterwards, it takes me back to when it just happened, still feels so raw and shocking. I do still struggle to comprehend this is reality. Sending you hugs, it's very early days go you xx

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Original poster

tiredteddy · 16/09/2019 16:37

@VictoriaBun your flowers disappeared! One day I hope to have comforting dreams like you do. X

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VictoriaBun · 16/09/2019 18:04

tiredteddy
Have some more

Monty27 · 18/09/2019 20:34

@43tiredteddy
The gift your dear mother left you is the gift of love, not pain.
You clearly have the gift of love which is a stunning accolade to her.
Your DM sounds as beautiful as you are.
You and your dear family are blessed. She'll always be with you in spirit.

MissKittyBeaudelais · 13/10/2019 21:07

How are you now, love?

My mum died one week ago today. I have no idea what I will do without her. Gone. For whatever time I have left to me.

I so want to sleep and cannot. I am exhausted with sadness and grief.

Original poster

tiredteddy · 16/10/2019 21:52

@MissKittyBeaudelais oh my heart is breaking for you. I’m so sorry to hear you lost your mum. I’m here to listen if you like, tell me how you feel, tell me about your mum... I cried for my mum tonight, again needing her so much.

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FenellaMaxwell · 16/10/2019 22:02

I’m so sorry. I wish I could say it gets easier but it doesn’t. I hate this time of year. The shops start stocking Christmas things and every time I see them I want to cry because it’ll be another Christmas without my dad. That was the last time I saw him. He was terminally ill, but we thought we had more time. My mum gave us a lift to the station and he came along for the ride. Even though it was a huge physical effort for him, he insisted on getting out of the car to hug me goodbye. I waved as the car drove off, and it suddenly hit me like a truck this horrible certainty that I wouldn’t ever see him again. I ran after the car as fast as I could, but it turned the corner and was gone before I caught them. He died the next day.

Original poster

tiredteddy · 16/10/2019 23:14

@FenellaMaxwell that’s so sad. We thought we had more time too. I wish we’d never gone on holiday. Christmas is so hard, my mums birthday is Christmas Eve. Forever different now. The loss of a loving parent shakes us to the core doesn’t it.

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MissKittyBeaudelais · 17/10/2019 08:04

Thank you @tiredteddy. It’s all very raw at the moment. She’s my first thought when I wake and if I weren’t collapsing into bed at night and just crashing out, she’d be my last thought too. I lost several hours last night watching the clock just trying to make sense of it. I couldn’t manage her at my house because I knew she needed medical assessment and tests. I wonder....had I chosen a different hospital/day/kept her with me.

She was hard to persuade though, in everything. She knew best and was adamant that she wasn’t going to hospital. She drove to John Lewis the day before she came to stay with me to get me a birthday card which I now have, unwritten, in it’s plastic sleeve.

Night time is the worst. Evenings. I just get a huge slump. I’ve so much to do all day but in the evenings we’d chat. She was my ironing buddy ... FaceTiming and nattering whilst I disappeared in a mountain of clothing.

@FenellaMaxwell, that’s so sad. I’m sorry.

Original poster

tiredteddy · 17/10/2019 17:09

@MissKittyBeaudelais it’s such a shock for you. I found I didn’t react how I expected to. I was surprisingly calm initially. I went into coping for my kids. And my sister and dad.

It’s easy to say but try not to think of what ifs. We can’t help it. It sounds as though she really knew her own mind. And also that you were very close. There truly is no one in life who loves us the way our mums do. A huge part of your life is gone. It’s very early days for you... do you have family around you?

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MissKittyBeaudelais · 17/10/2019 20:48

@tiredteddy, I do. I have a very supportive husband and my son (who’s autistic) is a big support. He’s astonished me with his ability to just know what helps. He made a cup of tea today which was truly awful but it certainly took my mind of things!

My friends have been supportive. I was the only one who still had a mum. But the finality.....I can’t imagine spending the next 20yrs or however long I’m here, missing her. At the moment it seems insurmountable.

Thank you for being so lovely.

Original poster

tiredteddy · 18/10/2019 00:02

@MissKittyBeaudelais you son Sounds so lovely. And your husband. Friends can help, I found it helpful talking to people who has been though similar and were now in at least an easier place emotionally. Not to say they were over it but were coping. I feel quite young to have lost my mum, more the sense of 40 years ahead... the first of my friends really to lose a parent. My dad is here. And wonderful. He seems to have developed a softer side since too... I hope you manage some sleep tonight. Sending hugs

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MissKittyBeaudelais · 18/10/2019 09:46

Thank you @tiredteddy

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