I lost my dad to throat cancer *graphic*

[GermfreeAdolescence]

Hello everyone,

I keep writing, deleting and re writing this. My dad was first diagnosed with throat and lung cancer back in 2014, they managed to remove the cancer at the cost of having a laryngectomy.
I lost my dad to throat cancer back in April. He was given 6 weeks to live last december.

I'm finding it harder and harder to live with myself as the last few month's of his suffering, he was in absolute agony, not even his morphine driver could suffice. We managed to get him a bed at trinity hospice, and I cannot thank them enough for care that he received. But his peg got infected and was transferred back to hospital where he died a week later. He didn't want to die at hospital as they were pretty shit at managing his pain. The last thing he wrote on his white board was "I'm in pain and I want to die". I still have his whiteboard and it hasn't been rubbed out.
I still remember his frail body crunched over, pulling at his face because of the amount of pain he was in. I still remember the face of desperation every time my mum drawn up his next dose of morphine. I still remember the hacking cough and the amount of mucous he produced.

Me and my mum tried our best to look after him at home. But my parent's flat is full of black mould, and unfortunately they didn't have hot water or central heating during the time we had him home.
My parent's are skint, they only had a shared esa claim. My poor dad then became incontinent. My mum couldn't afford incontinence products to make him comfortable. He had way too much pride, he just wanted to lay in fucking newspaper. No gas, no central heating and just laying in newspaper. They didn't even have to ask me, I used my credit card to buy him all of the incontinent care products he needed.

He was so frail, a towering 6 foot 2 and weighing only 46kg when he died. He couldn't talk, eat, speak or swallow for a good 6 months before he died. He never complained.

I'm only a 22 year old, single mother to a 5 year old. My mum didn't have the capacity to arrange his funeral or the death certificates. I did it all myself without any support.

I'm probably just listing things right now, but I feel so empty and alone. I'm struggling to show up to my shifts at work. And I've been dreamimg about my dad EVERY night for the past 2 weeks.

I hope this makes sense as it was very hard for me to type out.

So moved by your post, you have been through hell.

You know something someone said to me once is 'When someone you love dies, it doesn't stop their love for you or your love for them.' As I'm sure you're feeling now. You haven't stopped loving him, your love for each other continues. It's a hell of a lot to deal with at such a young age. Have you any family who can help you?
I also found writing lovely memories down in a notebook is a great way of preserving them.

Oh my dear girl. You're so young to deal with all of that yourself. Your dad must've been too young too. I'm sorry he had such a painful end. What love you must have for him to help him and deal with the arrangements afterwards. It sounds like you did everything you could. Please don't feel guilty for actually helping during one of the most challenging experiences that life can throw at you. I hope in time you can think of his whole life and not the end x

My dad was only 58. I don't have a big family, but I've been spending all the time I have with my mum.

Talking about him really helps me. He was a squatters rights activist right until the end. I'm going to make an emergency appointment for the gp tomorrow morning. I'm planning on writing everything I've spoken about. Thank you again everyone x

Sounds like you have his strength and commitment of his activism and looking after your mum too. Look after yourself op. You've got your child to look after so it probably won't be possible to take over your dad's role with your mum. Get on the list for ptsd help if you can. It might not be necessary by the time the appt comes up.

Nothing helpful to add- just
I hope things get easier, it sounds like that is too much to carry.

@GermfreeAdolescence did you manage to get to the doctors today? How are you doing?

I am so sorry to read about your Dad and what he went through, it really is cruel.

I lost my Dad last September to pancreatic cancer, the whole experience was incredibly undignified from him and he was in a lot of pain. I think this is what I am still struggling with, even after he had passed his face looked pained. My dad was 59 so a similar age to yours and I just always think how he was robbed of the best years of his life.

If anything since that happened I have become unable to cope with petty dramas and peoples self pity, so it has changed me as a person. I am only 31 and have lost my Dad so peoples worries about not having a new handbag just does not interest me anymore!

Think of the good times with your Dad, he wouldn’t want you to be sad. X

So sorry to read what you have gone through and amazed by how little support you've had especially financially. Your dad should have had a disability benefit in place as well as esa and incontinence products should have been supplied free of charge. It's a shame you didn't know what help was available as in that respect there's a lot that could have helped. Please speak to macmillan for support and it may be that they can help your mum with any benefit claims now or bereavement benefits depending on her age to make life a bit easier for her now. macmillan also have energy advisers who may be able to advise on boiler grants etc and they can offer emotional support if you need someone to talk to on the phone line. I'm amazed that your poor dad didn't have guidance from a nurse specialist on a lot of these things, I hope you get the support you need.