My mum died

[Lollie1606]

I’ve never done this before. I’m lost and broken. My mum died you see and I cant see anything but the consuming fog of sadness and loss. I have this hollow void in my life which nothing, not even my 2 beautiful children and loving husband can fill.
I’m sad. All of the time. I can’t find my way out of this, there is no light nothing.
It has been 45 days and only had th3 funeral on Friday, 5 days ago. It’s worse now than before the funeral. There is just nothing left.

Oh, I am so sorry. My mum died 4 years ago. If I'm frank, we didn't have a really close relationship, but, we'd both worked hard on it (tho silently) after the 'glue' that bound us, my dad- had died 6 years previously.

I can still 'feel' the raft of grief on which I navigated those storm-tossed seas of loss. Tho it was different than for my dad, whom I adored. When he died, with me and my DH trying to resuscitate him in an Estonian hotel corridor's carpet.... I 'got' why in the past, people wrote requiem masses, to try and come to terms with such a towering presence- gone.

But with mum, it was a steadfastness, a 'being there'. Then -not.

Pragmatically, what I wanted was temporal distance. To wake up and find it all 6 months ago, not 3 weeks, because I knew I'd've 'processed' it better after 6 months. I'd wake up, and within 5 seconds, think ok, I'm okay, but somethings wrong. Ah. The Death.

I agree with what's been said upthread about this being a secret club, I feel the same since losing my brother. But I would add, it's a very large secret club. You are not alone, OP.

I'm sorry that you've lost your Mum.

It's absolutely horrible. It been 11 years since I lost my mum.
I don't know if this will help but the way I approached it was to keep doing stuff and striving to make my life the best I could. I had this mantra in my head - I didn't want 10 years to pass and to look back and wonder what I'd done with my life. I wanted to have achieved things and I wanted to make her proud.....

Look after yourself

My Dad died 2 weeks ago. He held on until 4 mins after my DD2's 16th birthday ended.

He was in ITU and really well looked after.

We had the funeral yesterday and it was beautiful.

I seem to manage OK while I'm busy during the day but the evenings are hard. I feel like it's going to get harder at some point.

I keep thinking he's still in hospital, working out what time I can fit in a visit and then realising.

Waking up and remembering each morning is hard too.

It feels like you had a very long wait for the funeral OP. I think I'd has found that even harder.

We had to repatriate my mum from abroad then my dad got taken in to hospital with heart failure...it really has been a rubbish few weeks. That’s why the funeral was only last week. Each time I try and think it through it boils down to the same thing...I just want my mum back😥

Oh Lollie that sounds so hard especially with your Dad being ill as well.

I’m finding this bit in between the death and the funeral very strange and surreal & I’m obsessing a bit about the funeral now which I’ve mentioned on another thread, I think it might really hit me when that’s over.

to you and everyone who’s going through this.

Hugs for everyone.

I lost my mum last Tuesday. She had been ill for some time, but the last few months she'd gone down hill fast and it was only early February we got told she had metastases in her brain and she was terminal. She'd been in a hospice and last Sunday they started a palliative sedation (which is legal in my country) and she slowly slipped away and passed away 2 days later. We had said our goodbyes, and we were all at peace with the decisions that had been made. She had just turned 62, way too young.

So far, I feel fine. It didn't come as a shock, she went the way she wanted and in a way it was rather beautiful. The cremation is on Tuesday. I've had sad moments, but right now I feel strange for not being more emotional, though I think it's not hit me properly yet.

My mum died on 5 March, the funeral is on Wednesday.
I seem to have spent the time consoling other people, and worrying about what they will think about my choices at the funeral service.
I’m a really resilient person and come across as very calm, organised and sensible. But I could do with a hug. The only time I cried was when I met with the minister to discuss the service, and I only cried because he was so very kind.

My sister is a heavy drinker and I’m really worried about she’s going to cope on the day, not least because she’s staying with me for the two nights either side.

I’m glad I’m not alone, so hugs to all of us.

Orchardgreen I know exactly how you’re feeling, but by consoling everyone else it just delays you facing it. You can’t worry about your sister, she will cope any way she knows how just as you will. Please be kind to yourself, I’m sending you a hug, you’re not alone ❤️❤️
Foxyfemke, sounds like your mum was peaceful at the end, again be kind to yourself when it does hit, it’s never going away and I’m struggling today especially but I have an amazing family and I feel Eli so sad but so lucky to have them. Envelope yourself with your loved ones.xx

Eli? Don’t know where that came from!

Wise words Lollie.
Today, whichever way I turn, there are references to Mother’s Day.
I have kept busy sending off death certificates etc etc. Going to have a nice chilli tonight and watch a trashy dvd.

And my wonderful Labrador is great company.

Sending hugs to all who need one. Keeping busy today but whenever I stop it hits me. God I miss my mum.

Lollie I lost my mum too start of January ,I feel exactly the same I have kids too and my husband, but the heartache is horrific and I miss her so much if it wasn't for my kids I would struggle to find a purpose, I just keep going hoping I find purpose again your not alone take care

I’m part of the club too.
I remember those bleak, pain filled, agonising days, weeks after my mum died, the sobbing into my pillow, the intense ache of the reality I was never, ever going to see or speak to my lovely mummy ever again. There were days I woke up and honestly wanted to just black out rather than face the reality of my life from then on.
I’ve only survived this journey known as grief by taking a tiny step every day, it didn’t matter how tiny the step was (some days it was just getting out of bed and getting ready for work), but I just kept taking those steps. The weeks after the funeral were the worst (worse than after she died and before the funeral) as it was all so final then.
I am so sorry for you Lollie. It won’t get better for a fair while yet, but it will. Don’t be hard on yourself and remember that it is ok to have really shit days for some time to come but just keep taking those tiny little steps for you 💐💐

Sorry for your lossbig hugs xxx

So sorry for your loss and the pain you are in.

My mum died nearly 4 years ago in an accident on holiday and I could barely function for at least the first year. Everything I did felt empty and meaningless. I went through the motions with family and friends and still did activities with my lovely dh and dc but it was an effort.

I managed it by talking a lot, almost constantly, about mum and my feelings. I said how I felt at the actual time somebody asked rather than overall.

One thing that helped me was an inner belief that I would not feel this low and so full of grief for ever as we only have one chance of life. Yes, I will always miss my lovely mum, but I have to live my own life too and be the best mum I can be for my dc, to make mum proud of me.

Please allow yourself time. Time to grieve, time to rest, time to be alone with your grief and your thoughts.

I'm so sorry for your loss.

You say you're looking for signs of her - is she not there in you, in your children? One of my DCs just has to look at me in a certain way and I see my late father - and then I catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror sometimes and see my mother, or say something and hear her speak. Your mum is there. And it does get easier, I promise. The sadness doesn't go but you learn to manage the sadness better.

Lollie hugs
My Mum died nearly three years ago, we were very close and I had been caring for her for quite a while.
The grief was awful, painful, visceral. I cried every day for at least the first year. I felt like a part of me was broken.
But, I let myself grieve. I had friends who had either lost parents recently, or who were facing that prospect and we supported each other.
However you grieve is fine, it's personal - don't bottle up your sadness.
It would have been my Mum's birthday this month and I can face it this year without dread. It is getting easier. I have her photo in my house and can now smile and think of happier times.
Be kind to yourself.

Gosh I feel such a warm outpouring of love and strength from you all, thank you. I have been back at work, and doing homework with the children and generally functioning but there is just a part of me which has gone..I’m scared I’m getting back to normal but it feels anything but normal. I’m conscious that people around me don’t want to keep hearing it and being amongst the despair I’m in so I just park it. I push it aside and get on with things. Not sure this is healthy but know no other way. Sending love and support to everyone who has lost their mums or dads...this grief knows no bounds..xx

45 days is no time at all, don’t push yourself to be “ok”

I lost my mum nearly 10 years ago, she was only 45. Losing her was like losing my anchor to the world, I felt lost & didn’t know how I could ever live the rest of my life without her. Fast forward to now, a mother myself & let me tell you there are times I still feel that way!

Just focus on getting through TODAY. Don’t think of tomorrow or next week, or birthdays, or Xmas, just today. Then tomorrow do the same. Eventually you won’t have to remind yourself to get through the day. It’s a long road but it does Become easier. You’ll never forget but you’ll be more able to think of the happy times than focus on the sad.

I was young when I lost mum & didn’t deal with it well at all, it was only after becoming a mother myself I sought help. I would sit & beg my mum for a sign she was with me & nothing happened, until one day I got a sign. I won’t go into detail but I cling to that sign & pray it was her. It’s all I have.

Use your children to give you strength. They need you, you will get through this. So sorry you’re feeling this pain. There are many books available about grief, reading some may help you. To understand the process & know it’s ok to not be ok. Some days you’ll feel like you’re getting better then the next you’ll be down again but it’s part of the rollercoaster of grief. Don’t be hard on yourself & please tell someone you love if you’re struggling. If you try to run from your feelings now, it’ll make things even harder-trust me.

Sending you peace & hope you feel better soon x

Can I just add, you develop a new “normal”
There was life with mum & there’ll be life after but they aren’t the same thing. Accept that life will never be “the same” but that’s ok too.

I agree with many other posters about the “secret club” & I agree. On the outside they see you moving forward but they don’t know the struggle on the inside. The longing, the pain. I find doing things with my daughter that I remember my mum doing with me helps now. My happy memories will become my daughters & it’s my way of keeping my mums spirit alive & with us.

Maybe think about talking to a professional if you’re worried about upset family. Pushing your feelings aside is like pushing a beach ball down in the sea, it’s fine while you’re holding it down but as soon as you let go....

X