Mum died on her own and I really can’t cope with it

[Pinky14]

Hi

My mum died four years ago from cancer. The end came quite quickly, we all went on holiday in June healthy and happy and by 6th Nov same year she was dead.

The one thing she said to my dad (unbeknownst to me) was to not let her die alone. She went into hospital Wednesday pm on the 5th Nov as the pain had become unmanageable. I didn’t talk to any nurses as I was suppressing my emotions (I hate crying in front of people) and knew asking about her would make me cry.

Anyway we (my dad and I) came home after travelling with her and staying for till the evening. We went home and the next morning I dropped my 2 and 4 year old off at nursery. I went over to my dads so we could go over to hospital. He was doddering about so I made him scrabbled eggs. While I was waiting for him I had a massive impulse to get to the hospital right now but as usual ignored my feelings. Finally we made it over to the hospital where they stopped us going in the room as she had just died. We had missed it, she was on her own with a nurse she’d never known holding her hand instead of me. The nurse was distressed and I was in shock not wanting to talk to anyone so I didn’t.

Four years on I utterly suppress this as I can’t deal with the fact I wasn’t there. We went into see her and her pillow was covered in brown liquid. It had been put in a plastic bag but I just wonder how with it she was. She had a morphine driver and was a bit in and out of it the previous day.

What can I do to stop feeling so awful whenever I think about it?xx

Op, the brown stuff on the pillow is also known as 'coffee grounds'. It is something you may or may not wish to Google. My mum had pancreatic cancer and some of this was on her nightie when I saw her after she had passed. The nurse who was with her when she came to the end wrote a very detailed passage in her medical notes and it was mentioned. It is quite common, from what I can tell.

I don’t mind answering to the best of my ability but I’m an A&E nurse as opposed to a palliative one so I can only tell you what I know.
I know vomiting is very common. The stomach gets rid of anything that isn’t needed, but this often isn’t a normal vomit that would be distressing or painful. More like a reflux, if can happen more than once and it can be more distressing for someone to have their pillow changed regularly and their head moved around, I’m guessing this was what the plastic sheet was for, so it was to be kind not lazy I assure you.
Usually, with morphine, people pass very peacefully. It’s a very strong painkiller and sedative. Usually people just fall into a deep, sedated sleep and eventually their breathing changes to an irregular pattern which is an indicator that death is imminent, and then they just stop.
There are variations, and of course we cannot possibly know what people are aware of, however having administered morphine an awful lot as pain relief I can assure you it would have been peaceful.

In August I watched someone very close to me pass away on a morphine syringe driver, I’ve known him a long time and can assure you he wasn’t a stoical man. Had he been in pain he’d have let someone know. He died with a peaceful look on his face as many do.
I hope this gives you a little comfort

Pinky, it's so hard.
Your mum did not die alone, she was comforted by what sounds to have been a caring professional who would have known what could be done to make sure her last moments were as calm and comfortable as possible. I was there when my dad took his last breaths and I have very mixed feelings - yes I was there, but I find it a bit traumatizing as sometimes I flash back to those moments and they are not what I would want as a lasting memory.
My mum also behaved very oddly (badly, if I am being less charitable) around the time of dad's death, and it took a series of very emotional sessions with a very well trained counsellor for me to get over what was really not just the loss of my dad but the loss of my perception of my family. I would really recommend you look again at a specialist counsellor as it sounds like you may have similar issues to unpick.

I’m so sorry for your loss. I’ve been a nurse for 15 years and watched many people die. I’ve never seen one person die concious of what’s going on, it’s always been a slow progression where they gradually stop breathing. Your mum wouldn’t have known that you weren’t there at the point of death.

To echo what others have said, OP (I'm a doctor and have worked in palliative care), people who are dying tend to 'go into themselves'. They are no longer focused on who is around them, even if this is something that seemed to matter a lot before. Usually the last hours before death are spent in a deeply unconscious state, and while there may be some symptoms that those around them can find distressing - agitation, vomiting - the person themselves wouldn't be aware of these at all. Properly managed dying, in a palliative setting, is almost always a very peaceful event. You were there when it mattered, when she was aware of her surroundings - that's what's important.

I can only imagine how upsetting your Dad's subsequent behaviour has been. Would it help at all to know that it's a really common pattern in married men who are widowed? Very often they become involved with somebody new with a speed that can seem callous; I think it stems from a desperate need not to be alone. Very hard on you though

Thank you all so much for your kind words, they are helpful for me to hear.

It has been hard to deal with my dad too but I think the hardest bit is realising that my mum was the driving force between the two of them and now she has gone the dynamic has utterly changed which naively I didn’t give any thought to it. Xx

Hi Pinky. Something similar happened to my Mum when her own Mum died. Her relationship with her Dad massively changed, he remarried quite quickly too and I think my poor Mum had to deal with both the physical loss of her Mum plus the emotional loss of her father. I think she felt very lonely.
Sadly she died fairly recently too, this is my third Christmas without her. She died in a hospice and I also arrived soon after she passed away. But in some ways, it was a blessing. By the time I arrived the nurses had taken away all the drips and tubes and it was just her, lying there peacefully. It was a nice way to see her one last time.
I hope you find peace with this in time. I still feel sad, but I know I did all I could at the time to make the end of her life as comfortable as I was able to. I try not to dwell on the imperfections as I'm sure she wouldn't want me to.

My DB sat at my Mum's bedside for 2 days. The nurses told him to go home and get some rest and they would call him if anything changed. Mum died 2 hours after he had left. As far as we know she just drifted in her sleep.

I watched my own DD die in hospital. It was very peaceful and her breathing just slowed down until it stopped completely. She was certainly not distressed in any way - and she wasn't on any opiates either.

Hi I worked in Dementia care for number of years I have been present at several deaths ,usually our patients were so heavily sedated they were completely unaware of their surroundings .

It happens. I have seen hundreds of deaths and seen relatives sit by the bedside for weeks and then they pop out to the toilet and their loved one dies. It can happen quickly, people deteriorate quickly or have a sudden event ( blood clot, bleed etc) so their isn't much warning. As Nurses we are constantly monitoring for signs that someone is dying so that we can call relatives in but still many die without family there. Your mum had someone with her, she knew how much you all loved her and would have been there is you could. My mum died alone also, a tragic sudden accident that no-one could have predicted, it's just the way it is sometimes. Perhaps bereavement counselling might help you find a way through your distress.

I've seen families there all day every day and when they pop out to eat, or use the loo their loved one passes away. The point being sometimes even doing everything possible you still won't be there. Working in a hospital I can tell you we do our utmost that people do not die alone, and having witnessed it I can tell you it's always peaceful.
Please don't beat yourself up over this. I think it would have been a comfort to your mum that you were together with your dad, and everyone has different beliefs but personally I believe that we are seen at the point when they pass. So she would have known you were thinking of her.

I held my mum as she passed, I was the opposite of you, I absolutely did not want to be there as it happened. On the morning she died I remember faffing, because I knew as soon as me and my sister took over the vigil (from other two sisters) it would happen.

I was right.

By then she was deeply unconscious, I don't think she knew I was there. It will haunt me forever. I'm lucky I suppose that I worked in healthcare and had witnessed a few deaths already. If that wasn't the case I think I would have run and hid.

Your Mum loved you and knew you loved her, there isn't anything cathartic about the moment of death, it's the end of a process.

Hope you can find peace with it.

I understand completely how you feel op, I was the same after my dh died last year.
We had been having a bedside vigil for two weeks in the hospice and on the day he passed away we had stopped at a shop en route and missed him by minutes. I was utterly distraught at him being on his own but I believe that he wouldn’t have wanted our ds to be there which he would have been.

OP you tried the best you could in an incredibly difficult situation. As others have said try not to beat yourself up. Saying that the guilt is very normal. I made sure I was around for my mum's last few months and I still feel I didn't do enough. We were all there when she passed away and it's a million miles away from what you see in the movies. We didn't all sit around and tell her that we loved her. There was no time. It happened so quickly. The moment of her death still haunts me.

I know you said counselling is expensive but have you tried Cruse? They're free. I also got free grief counselling from my local hospice. I think it's a service that many offer. I don't think your loved one needs to have died there (mine didn't), you just have to be a resident in the area.

My dad died without family around him. He was in ITU after an operation and had a heart attack and died.
I hate the fact that he died in such a horrible way and that he was alone.
It's been 11 years and I still miss him.

You're not alone feeling the way you do. X

My father died at 4am on his own. I left the night before in a rush as I was very upset and couldn't cope.

My DM didn't call me until 8am the next morning. I wasn't allowed to see him after he passed as funeral needed to be planned and every tom, dick and harry we knew came to the house for tea and sympathy. I would have given anything to sit and hold his hand even for a minute.

I still find this very hard to cope with. Not had counselling and 'buried' it somewhat. I didn't see DM for about 4 months a while after. DW explained the reason why to her but DM's never mentioned it to me ever.

Like Missy I was there when my Dad died, but really didn't want to be. We were taking shifts as we knew he was going to go soon, and he died on my watch, while I was alone with him. The nurses wanted me to stay with his body while they found someone to confirm his death, which might have taken up to an hour but I was frightened and just bolted (it was the middle of the night).

I'm not entirely sure why I am posting this - perhaps its to say that missing your loved one's final moments isn't necessarily a bad thing - my Dad's death was apparently very peaceful for him, but harrowing for me, and I now think I would prefer to be with a kind, well supported nurse when the end comes.

Death just has its own course and happens when it happens - it doesn't care about our plans! Also, my father's death was in some ways a non-event, just like a full stop at the end of a much more meaningful story. It's the way you and your mum were before that matter.

I'm sorry that you've lost your Mum

**Elllicam and others: thank you x have struggled since my Mum died as missed her death by 10 minutes, this was 3 years ago and have found it so hard to accept, it broke my heart to think she was alone. I had asked the hospital if I could stay the night, they told me to go home and rest and they would call me. The call came but I wasn't quick enough.i wish i had been stronger and had insisted on staying...hindsight I guess. But reading this thread has helped. Thank you x

I'm sorry for your loss and understand why you feel this way.
One thing stood out n your post The one thing she said to my dad (unbeknownst to me) was to not let her die alone your mum didnt die alone. A nurse held her hand. I understand that you wanted it to be you or your dad but she could have slipped away at any time, night or day.
Like others have said, I would urge you to get some bereavement counselling to help support you.
I hope you get the helpl you need.

My fil died on boxing day 2017. He was in hospital unwell but no one expected him to die. We went to see him xmas day and was planning on going to see him on the 27th of dec as mil, sil and bil were going up boxing day. Well they were literally around the corner to the hospital when they go a call to say he had died.

We feel guilt about not being there but my inlaws feel great guilt about this. They can't get over the fact that they were literally around the corner when he passed. He didn't die around till about 5pm and not one of the docs or nurses noticed he was dying all day? We are haunted by this as he was on his own and we don't know if it was peaceful or not and no-one can answer our questions

I'm sorry about your dm op