What were the best thing that people did for you when you were bereaved?

[Izzywigs]

I know there is no one size fits all but I just wondered if there were particular things that meant a lot to you. We do not drive and live a 90minute journey away.

Just keeping in touch and enquiring how we were and if we needed anything. Everything quickly goes back to normal after a funeral but the few people who continued to keep in touch afterwards really helped.
There’s a lot of visitors/ planning immediately after a death and when that all subsides that’s when you need it the most

Thank you for your contributions. I was a little hesitant to contact the widower. He is a quiet man and I wondered if he just wanted to be left alone. However I did phone and we had a very long talk about his wife and lots of other things. He asked me if I would him with the paperwork and he will be visiting next week. I think a lot of hurt is caused unintentionally when people don’t know what to say to the bereaved. This thread has really helped me see through all that,

Not me, my DH- people acknowledged it. A very firm handshake from the rough-as-arses delivery driver at work, through to some Victorian lady handwringing from his aunt. Honestly just give whatever you've got, it's so important to make contact. I always, always write to the bereaved-a letter, not a card, sharing what I loved of the deceased. It suits my style and has always been well received.

In the early days, soup was good. Later it's being asked how you're going. However wires can get crossed:
Colleague: How are you doing?
Me : Not so good.
Colleague: I know what you mean, I've sooo many reports to write.
Me:

I'm feeling a bit sniffy reading this. My dm passed away two weeks ago and I've been feeling let down by my friends. Not one of my close friends has asked about me, texted, visited or sent a sympathy card, despite them knowing my mum pretty well. My dm was well known to them all. Ironically someone who I've not got on well with in the past (partner of dh's friend) has been fantastic.
One of these friends likes to ask for childcare favours regularly. It may be petty but I'm going to say no next time as I really don't see the point of helping people who aren't there for you when you need them.
Sorry to be negative on such an uplifting thread.

Actually I should add that at dm's funeral people said little things which made a world of difference. They probably didn't even realise. It's good to know that other people cared for your loved ones.

MissEliza, I am so sorry for your loss and that your friends have not reached out to you. Like you say, they are quick to ask for help when they need something.

Filled the fridge with food
Walked the dog
Mowed the lawn

As someone else said, the key to this was they didn’t ask - just did it. People saying “let me know if I can do anything” is utterly useless.

Kept sending messages and coming round even when I didn’t answer

My little brother (a retired priest) took the funeral service for DH, so I didn't have to talk about him to a stranger. One of my ex pupils played the organ at the service. My DS and DD managed the organisation on the day. The snow was swept from my drive, and my path gritted. And a few weeks ago a neighbour did the first cuts on my overgrown lawns. But, lots of peop!e saying come in for a meal, a coffee, come in and chat when you want to, and I feel I can't do that without a definite invitation, a day and a time. I have had a coup!e of 'proper' invitations which were lovely. I think people mean well, but then I suppose I've been guilty of the same myself.

Brought food and flowers.
Sent cards, letters and texts.
Helped with organising things.
Came to the funeral.

After my dad died, my boyfriend (now DH) - who I had only been dating for 3 months, used to drive me to work every day. He would without fail, drive me from one side of London, through horrendous traffic every morning. It was such a practical and caring thing to do.

Agree Dirty. The day my mum died, db's best friend arrived unannounced with a takeaway and alcohol. It really hit the spot as we hadn't eaten all day and our brains were like fog. When he left, I said how nice he was doing that and db said 'he knows I don't like chicken korma and he still brought some the bastard' .

My friends sat with me talked about my mum, my dh walked beside me every step of the way took care of things I couldn't do like cooking cleaning etc.

What stays with me is none of those around me told me to remember the happy times, to cherish my memories those sorts of things were not what I personally needed it was so raw. None of them tried to make me feel better they simply sat and listened and were completely present in my grief. I will never ever forget that the support was immense and I am so grateful to them.

The day after I lost my sister my neighbours daughter brought us a homemade lasagne. I was so touched and V grateful.

So, so much, but the one thing that I was bought was a book club subscription for 12 months and it was lovely. I'm still getting the books now and it's been wonderful.