My husband died

[Angie169]

In october last year my DH died , he had been unwell for a few weeks but still ok to work until two days before he died .
We worked together .
The day he died he was awake and a bit pale but ok , he stayed in bed when i went to work ( not surprising as I leave home at 5am ) .
I got home at 6.30pm to find him naked and dead on our bedroom floor , I think he may of got up to use the toilet and . . . . . . god I dont know !
This was the most horrible / scary / frightening / upsetting and confusing time of my life I wanted to throw myself down the stairs so I did not have to cope with it .
I did not . I phoned the ambulance and then my brother , the paramedic confirmed he had been dead 'for some time ' . Because he died at home the police had to be called. my brother was with me when they came they were sympathetic but it was so hard to answer their questions.
The undertakers came at about midnight to see DH been taken away in a bodybag was more than I could take , I wanted to scream but my voice would not work .
My brother stayed with me until the early hours but I asked him to leave as I need some time to take everything in.
In the following days and weeks all of my family have been great and very supportive as has my boss , I took some time off work but found been at home alone meant that I just sat in self pity and I started drinking far to much so I went back to work after a month . Bit by bit I have managed to start to function at work again but the evenings and weekends are still very hard to cope with,

Because DH died at home there had to be a corners inquest, this took a unbelievable 6 months, I got the results early last week .
this has just put me right back to square one .
I can not stop crying I miss him so much , we should of celebrated his 60th and our 10th wedding anniversary in march .
I have to go to register his death on Monday , I don't want to do it.

I do not know how I am going to carry on .

I certainly think you should be able to get some counselling via the NHS

However, I had some phone counselling last year (completely different issue) and found it was good. I preferred it to email counselling as actually having to say the words helped me. It seems to be possible to get phone counselling at about £25 a session. I used these people, mainly because they were an NHS team, and thought they were good. Obviously there are others. Their sessions were £50 but we agreed half hour sessions at £25 after a while, I don't know if they still do these.

I'm so sorry you're going through this OP. There are no words I can say that will make you feel better but I wanted you to know this is another person out there who is thinking about you and wishing you the strength to get through this. It's incredible what you've already got through. As you said you wanted to end it when it happened, and look how many months you have kept putting one foot in front of the other and functioning. That's genuinely amazing, and the same to the others in this thread who have had losses. It's natural you're using something to cope - alcohol is such an easily available thing to make us feel better - so don't beat yourself up about that, you're doing the best you can. When you're ready you could maybe think about doing something like yoga or meditation - you can get free tutorials on YouTube so you can do it at home - to help bring you into a calmer place when you're feeling overwhelmed. You're doing good to be sharing this stuff and it's brace of you to be able to do it. I'm rooting for you. Take good care of yourself

Well I have got through that very hard bit , I went to the registrars today and confirmed all the details with a very nice patient gent and picked up DH death certificate ,
I fell apart there it was very hard to get through but he made it as quick and painless as possible.

noqonterfy
I have not heard of WAY, I will def look into this, and depending on the cost I may join up, thank you.

annandale
Thank you again for your advice it is very much welcomed , unfortunately I could not afford to pay that much per session , I do not know how many sessions I will need /want but even two or three are outside my budget at the moment.
starsandstuff
thank you for your kind words it means a lot to me that so many people out there are willing to listen to me it helps me straighten out my thoughts. I had not thought about meditation , I am not sure it would work for me at the moment , I am struggling to keep my mind on even the very basic stuff in life but may be once my mind is a little more under my control I can try focusing and and meditating.

The next leg of this horrible journey will be to decide where to scatter his ashes ( I did not want to do it until I got DH death cert ) . We do not have a family grave , I was going to scatter him on one of the coastlines that we went to whenever we could but I am not sure what is allowed legally, the last thing I want for me to be half way through scattering him and some official come along and say 'you cant do that here , and here is a huge fine for doing it '.

I'm so sorry. That must have been a hell of a shock for you.

Whereabouts are you?

Sounds really tough Angie. It just never stops, always something else really difficult to do.

This website looks helpful about the legal and practical side of ashes scattering]]. But maybe start a thread about ashes at the coast, there's bound to be someone who has done it.

Angie, we scattered my parents' ashes on the golf course he played on her birthday - his place, her time. We knew we'd never get permission so we got up very early and did it before anyone was around. It was lovely because the world was still asleep and it was completely quiet apart from bird song.

annandale
thank so much for that web site it is wonderful , I did not that such company's existed, It has lots of useful practical ideas.
and yes I will start a new thread to very soon.
HollowTalk
Yes it was a huge shock and it really scared me.
I live in Manchester .
bluelady
Were you not worried about been caught ? what would you of done / said ? I want to avoid that situation as I would not be able to deal with it . But having looked at the website that annandale posted for me it looks like I would be ok with scattering him in some local woods and parks

Angie, it was 6.30 in the morning. The first tee off is at 9.30 so we were pretty safe. I don't think anyone would have had a go, we had tears pouring down our faces. I do hope you find somewhere lovely and peaceful.

Blue lady , I'am glad it was the peaceful and beautiful for you I am sure the golf club would not of minded .
The only 'sport' DH played was snooker for the local team , I don't think they would appreciate me scattering his ashes on the snooker table ( although he would have the last laugh as it was his job to brush and iron the tables before each game
Unfortunately the local club does not have any grounds that I could scatter him in .

Oh Angie I did laugh at the thought of you pouring a little pile just next to the centre pocket!

I think the coast is a great idea.

I've just seen this thread. Angie.

So sorry you're going through all this. I found my DH dying on the bedroom floor. Out of the blue. Utterly shocking, so I feel for you.

Your idea about the snooker ashes made me laugh. I scattered some of my DH's ashes at the campsite of a music festival place we went to, and some in the mosh pit. Happy days.

All the best.

Hi All just letting you know how it on monday ( sorry its taken me a while to post this ).
To be fair it was not as bad as I thought it was going to be, the waiting to be seen was hard as I was trying to anticipate what I was going to be asked or what I would need to say.
It was not helped by the 5 or 6 new born baby's all crying while their siblings were running around , for a place that that very young DC's are expected it is not at all well kitted out .
But once I was called in the gent that dealt with me had a very calming nature , and he kept it as brief and to the point as he could.
The whole thing was more to check that all the details were right like date of birth/ death/ address ect and that I was happy with what the coroner had reported .
The only thing that I did not really agree with was you have to pay for the death certificate , I understand the idea of paying for copies and I am fine with that but you do not get any at all unless you pay for them.
Its only £4 but at the moment every penny counts .
The whole thing took about 15/ 20 minuets.

That's really odd that you have to pay,it don't think I did (though to be fair the coroner could have helped herself to my purse that day and I wouldn't have noticed). At least it is done.

That's odd. I got the first one free and was told if I wanted more copies I would need to pay.

I had to pay, too. Given that it's a legal requirement, it does feel wrong. I'm glad you were treated sensitively, Angie, that's another hurdle out of the way.

noqonterfy yes thats what I was expecting to , I would not of minded paying for extras but I really think you should get one free , I was lucky enough to have some money with me but what about them that do not have any available.
That said , thinking about it we all have to pay for the legal documents that we want / need like passports , driving licences , id cards etc .
( but I still do not think its right )

Totally agree Angie.

Thinking of you Angie. You're coping with a heartbreaking situation with such courage and dignity.

Keep talking to us.

I diceced it was about time I g=jet washed our tiny back yard today as it is full of moss and very slippy when its wet .
It took me four hours ! but I feel better for at least having done something with my day.
the only problem is that if DH had still een here we would of spent all day out there tomorrow , reading the paper and having a BBQ with a few glasses of wine and stayed out until way past sun set .

I feel even more lonely now

To add to my self pitying state it would of been my DM & DD wedding anniversary today too .

Oh Angie

Great achievement with the jet washing. I managed to strim the garden very badly but at least it's done.

I'm finding it much easier to be out and about socialising than at home with the memories. I went and did parkrun as there are usually people I know there. I'm always last but it doesn't matter.

Have you had a look at Way? I struggle to be with any social event for long but being around people does make me feel much better.

Hi annandale
It feels to good to get something done when you can step back and say I did that doesn't it .
Its a good job I do not have a garden , I can kill a dandelion at 10 paces ! moss is the only thing I can grow .

Well done for competing in the park run ! I can not run for toffee mmmmmmm toffee , oh sorry where was ? ah yes I know the buzz you can get of exercise can make you feel good , I am considering getting a bike but I have not been on one for about 20 years and can not afford it at the moment but maybe in time I will .

I have had a look at WAY it looks like a good idea, a I dont really go in for organised get togethers ( always feel a bit left out ) but prehaps when I am a bit more ready to get out in to the world I will join them .

My DH died in February and I kept thinking how these last few days we would have been sat out in the garden together, having a bbq, sharing a bottle of wine. Especially as Friday was my birthday. I am just beginning to make a start on the garden, it's something to do and fills the time. I am better as well when I'm out and about and with people; I am going to the cinema (alone) tomorrow afternoon, then to my wine club in the evening. Thursday I am meeting a friend for lunch. Then nothing planned for the weekend. I do have family and grandchildren but I cannot expect them to run round after me, they have their own lives to lead, so for the most part I cope on my own. So sorry to hear of your experience.

Well having said I am better socialising, I went to a friend's this weekend and was so miserable, choking back the tears most of the time. Maybe it was being too far from ds, maybe it was the presence of her husband, maybe I was just sad and it was one of those times. She'd invited me again in June and I've said i can't face it.

However, I've invited a family to dinner on Sunday. Oh dear I have to cook now!

proseccoagain
We loved having BBQs , just the two of us and a cheap disposable BBQ and a bottle of wine and the radio on .
I really miss that even though we did nit really have the weather for it this weekend .
It is my birthday in early May me and my brother are planing on going out for a meal and a few drinks ( all three of us always went out when it was one of our birthdays )
I have also got family coming up from down south so we will go for lunch somewhere too.
annandale
Sorry to hear your weekend did not go as well as you wanted , this is what is worrying me if I go out with with a group of friends ( my DB will be fine , he has been great through out this )
very brave of you to cook sunday dinner , it is something that I am not up to doing for myself let alone a group of friends.
I hope it goes well for you.

I wonder if in this day and age if you can get Sunday dinner delivered ? we can get currys , pizza , sushi , kebabs , even some Mcdonalds deliver now , so why not sunday dinners ?

I've often thought that. Where I live there was once a little start up company that would deliver roast dinner (crikey 28 years ago.) They don't exist any more even though the place I live has a ridiculous amount of restaurants here. So many that I could find somewhere different to dine every night for a few months at least (if I had the money and inclination). Maybe a roast dinner delivery service would be a good start up business for someone.