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Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

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Original poster

Sitting with my dying mother

33 replies

Makinglists · 14/01/2018 08:31

Not sure if this the right place to post. Mum is 83 has pulmonry fibrouses, osteporososis and infection. She is in hospital and became unresponsive on thurs night. Got called back in this am as her breathing is shallow. She is on oxygen but struggling. Im on my own at mo though family around just frightned and my ordered mind wants to know what next. Sorry if a ramble..if i dont come back quickly Its not that i dont appreciate you all Its just that.. Well you know..Thanks

OP posts:

Bluedoglead · 14/01/2018 08:32

I don’t know what to say. I’m thinking of you.

Bubba1234 · 14/01/2018 08:33

I hope you are ok xx

cornishmumtobe · 14/01/2018 08:34

you're in my thoughts OP

TammySwansonTwo · 14/01/2018 08:35

I don't think I'll ever forget sitting with my mum in the hospice when she became unresponsive - we played her favourite music and stroked her hair, its awful when you don't feel there's anything you can do. I know there's nothing I can say that can make this easier, but sending hugs

LtGreggs · 14/01/2018 08:36

Just take time to be with her for a while. Have you called other close family (esp anyone else who may want to visit) so that they know what is going on? Are you ok for your own childcare? Have you excused yourself from work? If all that covered, I don't think you need to do anything else for now. Sit near her, tell her it's ok, and think of good times you've had together.

QuickQuickSloe · 14/01/2018 08:37

If you want to hold her hand, stroke her hair and tell her you love her then do so. She will know you are thee and that you love her.

It's a strange and horrible time.

barkingfly · 14/01/2018 08:39

what a privilege to spend this time with your mom.

BillywilliamV · 14/01/2018 08:39

How lovely for her that she has so much love and care at the end of her life. Just cherish this time together, it will be such a precious memory.

TheMamaYo · 14/01/2018 08:40

Being with someone as they finish their time here is extremely difficult, but also such a tender time. Talk to your Mum, OP. Tell her you love her, share some memories, read a book if you can. Thinking of you, my heart goes out to you and her.

Backingvocals · 14/01/2018 08:40

It’s so hard OP. But your sitting there and just being present for her is everything. Thinking of you and your Mum

Roystonv · 14/01/2018 08:40

I am so sorry, I sat with my Mother in the same situation and if it helps I did 'do you remember' with her and talked about holidays, pets, places we'd lived etc. I also read to her articles she would find interesting and poems. It was easier than just sitting there and it felt I was maintaining a connection with her and sending happy memories her way.

midsummabreak · 14/01/2018 08:44

Hi Makinglists I'm sorry your Dear Mum is fading fast. There is no set path to dying, hope you are OK there and can get support from nursing staff regarding your Mums condition. How is your Muum? I imagine the nurses will guide you in her palliative care.andcan answer questions too? Happy to chat & answer questions if you need someone. It is understandable you feel frightened.and devastated.

Woulditbeworth · 14/01/2018 08:46

Thinking of you OP. I was with my wonderful Grandma when she passed away and it was extremely hard to watch her go but I feel honoured that I got to be with her at that time.

Try not to worry about the next steps, it sounds like by being there you are already doing everything you need to. Hold her hand if you can and just let her know you are there.

mikado1 · 14/01/2018 08:49

Sounds like she has really suffered. I hope she is comfortable and at peace. Lovely you both have this time. Thinking of you there.

trevthecat · 14/01/2018 09:06

Oh your in my thoughts. So sorry your going through this

ChristmasCakes · 14/01/2018 10:51

The waiting can be a long process. With my grandfather his breathing became increasingly erratic, a couple of times he gave loud rattly sighs and then a pause in breathing which I thought was the end but eventually his breathing just got slower and slower and then stopped. I knew then that he was gone but after a minute or two his head moved and eyes opened and the last of the air in his lungs came out with a sigh - this might not happen to everyone but just be prepared because it gave me a fright.

A nurse came over and called out time of death and I just left, went home and crawled into my bed. The hospital takes over when they're gone - they'll ask which undertaker you want to use and the next you'll hear will be from them to make arrangements for the funeral.

Sorry if this is too descriptive and upsets anyone but I think it is easier if some of the mystery is removed from what is already a frightening time.

Lots of love to you

OrlandaFuriosa · 14/01/2018 11:16

Poor you. It’s heart breaking.

If she has some favourite calming music, play that if you can, tell her you love her, remind her of things you did together. Hearing lasts longer than you’d think, as far as one knows touch lasts longest. Her skin will get dry, get some lovely hand cream to put on it, her lips will get very dry, get some lip salve. The hospital will have littke sponges to moisten her lips and tongue, ask for them and use them.

There’s an excellent leaflet about what happens produced I think by the Nottinghamshire hospital trust, ask for any leaflets they have on what happens.

Holding your hand too.

Original poster

Makinglists · 19/01/2018 07:49

Thank you for all your messages. Mum passed away peacefully on Sunday am. Though she was struggling she wouldnt go until my father arrived.
Not sure what i feel at the moment - feeling hyper organised sorting out the paperwork and funeral which i cant leave to my poor dad. Today will be tough as im seeing the funeral director doing it on my own as dad doesn't feel able and Its just me (no siblings and Dh is 120 miles away with our children). Thank you for all your thoughts Ill be dipping in and out of this thread so may not be back for a while - but Thank you.

OP posts:

Xmasfairy86 · 19/01/2018 07:50

Thoughts are firmly at your side lovely

TheMamaYo · 19/01/2018 08:13

I am so sorry for your loss. Wishing you a world of strength.

Timeforachange68 · 19/01/2018 09:01

My heart goes out to you having to deal with this on your own - I won't lie sorting outing the funeral is heartbreaking but our funeral director was very good & let us set the pace. Won't your dad want to make any of the decisions about the funeral - we discussed everything but ultimately we let my dad make the final decisions.

My dm passed away last summer but I still dip in & out of this forum for support

Take care

saladdays66 · 19/01/2018 09:05

I'm so sorry for your loss.

Bluelady · 19/01/2018 15:44

My thoughts are with you. Losing your mum is one of the toughest things life can throw at you. Mine died more than two years ago and I still miss her more than words can say.

Monkeybunkey · 02/02/2018 10:51

So sorry for your loss. My darling mum had Idiopathic Pulmonary Fibrosis and it's such a cruel disease. I went into super-organising mode after she passed as well, which kept me going until at least after the funeral. Take care.

flapjackfairy · 02/02/2018 10:59

My father passed away last weds (24th) also with pulmonary fibrosis. We nursed him at home as was his wish. I moved in with my brother to care for him for the last 2 weeks after mum had a bad fall.
It was the hardest thing i have ever done. I just feel so numb about it all.
Sending you lots of love making . Totally understand how you feel xxx

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