Mil dying, family collapsing. Please help!

[Magpie1778]

Please help.

MiL is dying. She has been very sick for a long time, but we’re pretty sure it’s close to the end now. She has somewhere between days and weeks left. DH is not coping. I know it’s because of his mum – he’s normally lovely, but I know he’s out of cope. We live in a different country to his family but have been flying home once a month for the weekend. Right now he’s under huge pressure from his family to go home until the end. He wants to, and he wants me to go with him for emotional support but I don’t have the annual leave to do this and my work say this isn’t an appropriate use of compassionate leave – I can have a day for the funeral and that’s all I’m able to do. They’ve offered me unpaid leave but we can’t afford to have us both off work unpaid for long.

I have said I understand if he goes without me, and I can cover us both financially for a short time (he would also be on unpaid leave) but this seems to have gone down badly and he literally hasn’t spoken to me beyond an angry monosyllable for the last 32 hours. He’s this horrible black hole of misery and won’t eat unless food is placed in front of him, sits on the sitting room floor staring into space, not even turning on the lights in the evening, ignores DD and just isn’t there.

I’m having to do everything, and I’m not coping.

I know she isn’t my mum, but I’ve known this lovely woman since I was 15 and I’m devastated by this too. I also have a history of mental illness (bipolar disorder) and I’ve been quite unwell lately. Right now, getting out of bed is incredibly hard work and I’ve had to crawl up the stairs because I’m giddy with panic and can’t stand. I have to pretend I’m fine for work, DD, and I have to somehow manage house and finances and I’m close to collapse.

This isn’t normal for us. It isn’t the normal we’ve had for years. It’s only been this way for the last two weeks, getting massively worse this week. It’s because of this awful horrible time but I’m not sure how we can get through it. Should I try and borrow money from my family so I can afford to take unpaid leave and we all go back to our home country? What should I do? I’m trying to pull myself together and be this tower of strength but it’s so hard. I could about cope until he stopped talking to me.

Your SIL should be getting help. When we came close to collapsing due to stress and the enormity of caring for Mum (which crept up on us), my DH phoned the GP to say we weren't coping and he immediately swung into action, getting carers in a couple of times a day, district nurses etc.

When we asked for it, the help was amazing. We do have a great GP though.

You need to tell FIL that SIL is going to make herself ill if she doesn't get help - guilt him into agreeing if necessary.

'Losing an elderly parent is a horrible part of life, but it's a part of life nevertheless, and it's not the case that absolutely everything else can stop for it. If he feels he needs to go, he should go, but he shouldn't insist on taking you and increasing your burden.'

Yes, it is very sad, I know when we've had family bereavements it of course is hugely upsetting and it puts everybody under great strain, but it's a fact of life that we have to carry on managing our circumstances as best as we can, dealing with work and DC etc.

I would encourage him to go now, as you say it could be days or weeks and obviously you then go over when it's the funeral. If you can't afford time off and don't have annual leave then that's all you can do.

Personally, I think you need to hold down the home and keep things normal for your daughter and keep yourselves afloat and encourage him to go be with his family. My family also live overseas (though much farther than Ireland, about an 11 hour flight). They are well, thank god, but one day when they are not well, I will have to go and take care of everything, potentially for weeks or months. There is no way I could ask my dh and children to up and come with me. Life at home would fall apart, the finances would be a mess, and someone needs to be there and keeping things ticking along once it's time for life to come back to normal after a family member has passed. I think it's too much to ask. You could fly over for weekends as you have been and fly over for some unpaid leave when the time comes, but I think you both have to be realistic. It may be hard for him, but he has to lean on his family and you have to keep the rest going if he feels he needs to be there with them. Having been there through the end with several close family members, there really isn't any benefit to a house full of people standing watch. What is often needed is practical help and then just a few people to be there for support.

Is anyone able to look after DD?

9 months is pretty helpless and it doesn't sound like either of you are in a position to care for her at the moment. She should be your priority.

I'm very sympathetic OP - my husband is from a different country and we went through this 8 years ago. When his mother was dying (14-hour flight away) he left ASAP after his sister called and arrived the next day. He had 2 days with her before she died and I was so relieved he had got there in time as I know how devastated he would have been not to have seen her & spoken to her one more time. He stayed on for the funeral and was away a total of 2 weeks. He was very well supported by his brothers & sisters. As EmilyDickinson says, often the best support a partner can give is by holding the fort at home - our teenagers were in the middle of important exams so it was not possible for them to go which of course meant I needed to stay with them. I loved my MIL v much so was really sad not to be there (I sent a message with my husband which he read to her) but I knew my husband would be OK with his large loving family.

Do encourage your husband to get there as soon as he can.

I think you need to send him and I think that is all you can do really. They really do need to get in outside help.

As sad as it is you cannot put your life on hold indefinitely for what might be weeks as the future implications of that are immense.

Support him going but stay where you are

So sorry OP, you are in an impossibly difficult situation

Your DH should absolutely go but I know you said she has between days and weeks left. My DM was given that prognosis and she stayed with us for months. The problem is that no one really knows when the end might be and you still need a roof over your head afterwards so dropping everything when your work isn't on board might not be the best thing in the long run.

Since this is such an extreme situation I would look to borrow some money somewhere, if you can, (credit card 0% money transfer, low rate personal loan, overdraft etc) to enable you to both have unpaid time off just until this extreme period is over.

Take whatever leave you can for the beginning of next week and fly over tomorrow after work. Once there, you can see what the situation is and make longer term plans.

If circumstances allow, leave DH there and return to work at the end of next week, then take up the offers of unpaid leave and family financial support from the following week, or whenever is appropriate, for as long as necessary. If you have a mortgage, do you have the option of a payment holiday to cut down monthly outgoings for a while?

for everyone, especially your poor SIL.

I would consider borrowing money from bank or family to fund unpaid leave. It's his mum and if you're both working, you can work together to repay the money later. I think he'll need you there too, try and find a way to take unpaid leave and all gonas a family. He needs you I feel, this will be a terribley emotional time for him.

Things like this can also make bipolar symptoms worse (someone I'm very close to has bipolar) so make sure you're not ignoring your own health and speak to your doctor or CPN if you have one if you're feeling worse yourself as they may be able to add something to your meds assuming you're taking.

Good luck and sorry you're all going through this.

'I would consider borrowing money from bank or family to fund unpaid leave'

Imo that is terrible advice, this situation could go on for weeks. The op also has parents who may well need support in the future, the fil is failing now and will at some point be at the same stage, she can't keep taking loans when others need support. When parents or pils are dying it is ideal if everyone can gather and be present in the final weeks, but it is rarely possible. Financial worries through debt would be an added strain.

As pp have said the best support is to keep things going a home, take time off when there is a funeral to attend.

Thank you all. Her health has sadly deteriorated and we're flying out tonight. I'm taking annual leave tomorrow and Monday Tuesday.

Once we are there, we can stay with my mum and we'll figure out the rest from there. Thank you all.