How to come to terms with the way someone you love died (i.e. not peacefully in their sleep)

[TorNayDoh]

My DDad died of cancer almost three months ago. What I am really struggling with, and almost feels like a separate thing to deal with aside from the grief at losing him, is the way he died and the horrible awfulness of what death by terminal cancer actually means as a visceral lived reality, and witnessing the suffering and fear of someone you love, who really doesn't want to die. How do I start dealing with that? The way he died and what he went through hurts almost as much as the loss of him, iyswim? I know that his suffering is over now, and at that time that thought helped but now it isn't much comfort.

Hannah that is very sad for you and your mum. I don't think you should feel guilty though it sounds like your gran was well loved

A year on I am still having nightmares about my son's death.
I know the paramedics tried cpr for 40 minutes.
That thought tortures me.

It will pass OP . I was very traumatised when my friend died of cancer . Then my dad died also of cancer but it was so much more peaceful it made me realise that it's not always this way

Time reallly can heal

But I feel for you and it never reallly leaves you . Just don't suppress it and talk about it let it all out xx

I reallly don't understand why we can't improve end of life care . This thread has made me very angry and very very upset

For fucks sake we have developed the most incredible amazing technology yet people end their life like this . It's so fucking fixable

I can't say more as it's too
Emotional and I don't want to say anything inappropriate but FUCK

FUCK indeed. I can't believe that anyone against assisted dying (with the proper safeguards, of course) has witnessed what we have.

My brother died of cancer overseas. It was an awful, frightening process. Towards the end he was thrashing around, terrified of someone in the room who wasn't there. However, for the last couple of days they gave him what they called 'palliative sedation', basically he slept for the last days of his life, which meant that the end was quite peaceful. Before thatDo we have this in the UK? I bloody hope so.

Sorry, crap editing.

Totally understand. My mum died just under two weeks ago. Her final week was in the Hospice, she was sedated but still in pain. Watching her suffer was horrendous and doctors said there was nothing more they could do. I am devastated by her death but also traumatised by the dying process and cannot get the picture of her in pain out of my mind. I was with her 24/7 and I feel so angry she was still suffering at the end. She had pancreatic cancer and had only been diagnosed four months earlier

My heart goes out to all of you

I lost my father suddenly when he had a heart attack aged just 59. The older I get the younger 59 seems. Someone said to me just days after he died that he would have wanted to live and kicked like a mule. Of course he didn't as he was heavily sedated but the image of him kicking tortured me.

When the ambulance arrived he was still conscious and asked the paramedic if he could sleep as he felt very tired but was terrified of not waking up. I was in a different country when it happened but went home immediately.

Death is the one thing in life we have to go through alone. I'm terrified of dying, absolutely terrified.

Best wishes to everyone on this thread x