7 years after DMs suicide and still struggling with so many things

[laptopshmaptop]

I don't really know where to start.

Had counselling.
Then CBT, after which I felt I had turned a corner.
Then realised I wasn't doing so great after all. Dug out CBT notes and started using techniques again.

Had couples counselling as felt our relationship was deteriorating. Although issues were identified on both sides, it of course came back to the fact I can't get emotional support from my DH - which is a massive part of a husband/wife relationship - and realised I have been unable to cry, breakdown or show emotion in front of him since DMs death.

In fact, that's not entirely true. The only emotion I show is anger. I so desperately want to throw myself into his arms wailing and letting it all out, but physically can't.
I give myself a headache from the tension of all this.

I have now to get individual therapy to help me address this issue but I'm so scared of opening the flood gates. It's been 7 years for goodness sake! I feel like I should be in a better place by now.

I haven't contacted the counsellor to start this as I'm scared of what I'll have to face up to.

Also, because of the way I closed myself off, my DH struggles to know what was say/do when I bring something sensitive up. Tonight I brought up a situation with friends where I have been left out again (that could be a whole other thread) but he pretty much acted like I hadn't even spoken. Is it any wonder I can't open up to him about things that make me sad?? It's not his fault. I have made him this way. And I know it's my fault, as I had ectopic pregnancies and miscarriages and used to cry in his arms all the time, so that bond and connection was definitely there before.

It just feels overwhelming at times. I often wonder if I'm depressed but my DM had addiction issues (including prescription drugs) and the thought of taking anti depressants fills me with dread.

On the outside my life looks great. Lovely family, good job, nice house, but on the inside I'm so completely broken and I really don't know whether I'll ever feel normal again.

Sorry it's so long, and thanks if you got to the end. I don't know what I'm asking, maybe just looking for reassurance from someone who's felt this low and come out the other side a better person.

Thanks don'thate

I'll look into that. I'll try anything... if I can pluck up the courage to contact someone.

Tinyhands
You really get it. Thanks for posting. Tomorrow will be tough as I have to go to a work meeting via the station where she jumped in front of a train
She didn't die that day (that was 2 weeks later) but I remember the madness that day. I was coming home from work and I saw her car at the station. I didn't really think much of it, then phoned my dad to say I was on my way to pick up my DD, and he was in a panic saying "I don't know where your mum is" I had that sinking feeling something bad was going to happen, but thought she must've been heading somewhere. I had no idea what she was thinking.

I went straight to get him (only a few minutes drive) and by the time we got back to the station, there were 3 police cars outside. She must've jumped in front of the very next Train to come in after mine. The driver managed to stop and my Mum was in an office being comforted. She was emotionless. Just staring and non-responsive. I thought my dad was going to have a heart attack that day.

I can remember it as if it was yesterday and keep playing over and over what was said. I was angry, then upset, then angry again. Angry at the fact she never bloody told us when she was feeling so low, and it always ended in an incident. We just wanted her to be honest, but she didn't want to be a burden. I regret a lot of what was said.

And the couples counselling made me realise I do the same, which was a pretty scary revelation for me.

I really do need help

💐 for you. Lost my DM to suicide 9 years ago and your post really struck a chord with me, outwardly coping but really struggling on the inside. Did you re-start therapy again? Has it helped? Often I feel I should be on anti-depressants but am reluctant to see Dr or take them as the next day I could be ok again. As with some of the PP if it wasn't for the kids I wouldn't get up in the morning.

I hope you are feeling in a better place? And that commenting on this doesn't give you a wobble. Just wanted to say so sorry for your loss, and that of PP, and I get it.

*Starbug
*
Sorry, I only just saw your post. I am so sorry you have been on the same difficult journey as I have. It's so unfair.

It's such a headfuck dealing with the aftermath of a suicide, no one can really understand unless they've been through it.

To answer your Q though: Yes. This round of counselling has really helped, although it has been the hardest by far.

It forced me to confront stuff I've been suppressing & it has allowed me to show emotion & seek DH out to give me support. I have come to the conclusion that counselling will probably be a part of my life for ever, and that there is no quick fix to this.

And I lost my lovely dad yesterday very suddenly, so am devastated and can't hold the tears back. I think my reaction could've been disastrous (closing down, refusing to grieve) if I hadn't made so much progress recently.

Hope you're ok tonight

OP I couldn't read your last post and not respond. I am so very sorry to hear that you have suddenly lost your Dad yesterday.

What a cruel blow, after losing your mum so tragically as well.

At the moment, don't try to 'cope', just go with the flow. You might be in shock, just do whatever you need to do.

Thinking of you.

Oh OP I'm so, so sorry for you 💐

Thanks for replying, it's good that the recent counselling has helped you and allowed you to let DH be supportive, I hope you will continue to let him help you in this raw time.

Please be kind to yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, cry as much as you need to. Big hugs xxx

Thank you both.

I'm devastated. My dad was my rock. And now he's gone. Trying to comfort myself with the fact he'll be reunited with my mum now (really want to believe that at the moment anyway).

Post again starbug if you need to, I'll try to check in when I can.