Any help? Grandad is dying and DS is beside himself

[NameWithChange]

.. just that really. Grandad is old and been ill, in and out of hospital last week for ops and deteriorated fast. DS has seen him 2 or 3 times in there and knew how ill he was but obviously clung to hope. He is twelve. I am a single parent and his father is NC and useless. Grandad was his No1. Tonight they are withdrawing help and he hasn't got much longer. I haven't given DS all details but he knows he is going to die and Grandad is sleeping and comfortable at the moment. He is distraught and blaming me at every opportunity as his grief has no where else to go. He won't let me hug him and is crashing around and crying his eyes out. What can I do? Can anyone help? This waiting to die is just the worst. We can't go and see him so are just in limbo. I feel such a failure. He has just told me I am a terrible mum.

On a boring, practical note, you can call the ward for news. Explain the situation vis à vis your son and ask if there is any way that you can be notified of any changes in Grandpa's condition? The answer may well be "no" (ward are busy, informing relatives is relatives' responsibility) but they might have a suggestion.

I hope that you managed to get some rest.

Thank you Beryl, that is very kind of you. I have just found it online and ordered it.

Grandad has gone. Now to find the words for the next stage.😢

Be prepared for lashing out, but try your best to stay strong for your son - he needs you to be a rock for him to cling to now, because in his head he'll be drowning in thoughts and sadness and loss.
It's hard not to be hurt by the actions of someone struggling with grief, but you are a lovely, thoughtful mother and he will come to be very grateful for the way you dealt with things.

I was 20 when my grandad died, but I still couldn't be with him when he passed. Hearing he had gone was incredibly difficult to get my head around, so I can't imagine how much harder it will be for a child your son's age. I'm so sorry that this has happened to you both

I am so sorry, NameWithChange and hugs to you and DS. Copious validation for him, and lots of cups of for you.

I'm so sorry
Reassure him that it's fine to be very sad, sadness just means that he loved his grandad very much.
Also reassure him that you are ok, several of mine were then focussing on the fact that I (or Nanny) may die. I tried to be honest but repeated that he was much older and very poorly and I'm not.
Lots of love to you all

Thank you so much for your kindness. I have come to think of late that kindness is the most important thing in the world. It was the main quality Grandad had in spades so there will be a big hole.

My DS took it quite well. In a funny way I think the last 48 hrs have been harder, when there was still hope and all coping with this kind of limbo and not knowing, now he knows and the grieving process can start.

He wants to stay in bed today and not come out with us, I have made him breakfast in bed and given him space but I can't go out for the afternoon with other small DC and friends as I just don't feel it's right to be so far from him. May just nip to local park.

Anyone know the best strategy today/tomorrow? Just carry on as normal as best we can but being uber considerate and letting him drop out of plans if he needs to?

You sound like you're doing absolutely fine

Yes, give him space, but also ask him intermittently if he wants to talk about Grandad or has any questions. Let him know it's fine if he wants to, equally find if he doesn't.

Would he like to look at some photos, or hear some stories about him?

DS 8 was devastated when my Dad died at the beginning of March but he is doing OK now. He's much younger but I gave cuddles and reassurance when he cried and tried to talk about how unhappy Grandad was when he was sick (several strokes) and wouldn't have wanted to live like that. I think you have to just play it by ear.

Name I'm so sorry. I'm a nurse and often deal with people who are reaching the end of their lives. Tell your DS that his Grandad wasn't alone when he died, and that the nurses would have been talking to him about his family. Tell him that they will have been making sure that he wasn't in pain, that he was warm and comfortable. Tell him that his last visit will have stayed with him, and that all the nurses will have reminded him of it whenever they talked with him, that we spend time talking about what makes our patients happy, and you know that for Grandad, that means him. Then reassure him that he isn't sore or tired anymore. That he isn't having to have nurses turn him to stop him getting pressure sores, and that sometimes, it's just too much.

The CRUSE website might be helpful too. I did a course on child bereavement and you are doing all the right things.
Perhaps when he's had a bit of time you can ask him how he would like to remember his grandad. A photo, visiting a special place etc.
Take care lovely, it must be very hard for you too x

All quiet here at the moment. DS has had a quiet day at home and not wanted to do anything. He's been calm though.

I just wanted to say a huge thank you to Mumsnetters for your support last night. I was in a terribly lonely and frightening place and your words were invaluable.

Oh I spoke to soon. DS is in the shower and I can hear him sobbing. Better he gets it out I suppose but it is heartbreaking 😢

I've only just noticed this thread, and have read the whole thing. Didn't want to Read and Run.

It sounds like you are doing everything right for your son. Honestly IMHO the best thing you can do for anyone who is grieving is just to let them know you are there and love them and are avaliable whenever you are needed.
I lost my nan just before Christmas So still freshly remember what it's like to lose a beloved grandparent. (My DS is only 8 and didn't know her very well as we didn't get to see her often and so he was sad but not devastated - my guilt over the fact he didn't get to know her well was a big part of my grief.)
It may be worth letting your DS school know what has happened so they can be there to support him as well as you. Many schools have councillors, ELSA or pastoral care teams that can also help him through the grieving process (I know the school I have had all 3.), he can then talk to them as an 'outside ear' if for whatever reason he doesn't want to talk to you about it. (Not necessarily because he doesn't want to, but I know I found talking to my work colleagues about my Nan easier than talking to my family because I didn't have to worry about their feelings on the subject IYSWIM?). The school can also support him by being a bit more understanding if he is not quite himself in lessons for a while.

Keep up the good work as you are doing great! Just remind yourself that yes his grief hurts and he will be upset, angry and all manner of uncomfortable emotions, but that because you allowed him to spend time with his grandad despite you not having a relationship with his father, once the grief has settled he will have lots of very happy warm memories to treasure. X

Nothing to add but a hug and .

Sorry for your and his loss. Is he a reader?
I ask because the book "a monster calls" by Patrick Ness is fabulous for this exact issue. Even has a wanker of a poor excuse for a dad for the main character (young boy).

Thank you drama I did speak to the school last week as we were nearing the end, I will do again. He has the most wonderful (male) teacher who I can't praise enough. He even emailed me to say that his Grandfather had died recently and he would offer my DS any support he could. I love him 😊

Isadora he can be a reader (if I can get him off the iPad). That book looks really interesting. Have you read it? Do you think it would be suitable for a 12 yo? He doesn't like anything dark but I would encourage him if it had a positive theme if that makes sense?

DS has just been downstairs and I let him 'steal' some maltesers from me (my tea - been off food today) he went back up to bed with a chocolately smile on his face. Bugger the dentist today.