Missing my friend

[Expat38matt]

I've read through the other threads here and feel a bit trite in the midst of those who've lost a child or spouse or parent.
Mine is an awkward kind of grief I suppose and I know those around me are surprised I'm still affected so much by it
My good friend of around 20 years took her own life late last year after a long battle with PND
I still can't understand how she could do it. I don't suppose I ever will
All I see is the devastation she's left behind - a 2 year old who'll never know her Mum and a spouse who found her body and will probably never get over it. As well as family and friends left blaming themselves and feeling so guilty even though the rational mind knows nothing could have been done as she was determined (not her first try!)

I want to ask if anyone has any insight to help me make sense of her suicide and stop feeling so pissed off with her for doing it !

Losing "just" a friend is a strange one as you're not directly involved and no one thinks you're still grieving months later and are surprised by sudden sadness

Thanks for listening

Thinking of you. It's my friends birthday this month too. Know how you feel. Xx

I have no idea why people kill themself I have had 2 suicides in my extended family and it makes no sense, I am so sorry about your friend you must really miss her my friend died of sepsis nearly 2 decades ago and it devestated me you feel so lost you are not family so you dont want to intrude on the family, grief is terrible I am sorry

This weekend is the anniversary of her death. It's hit me hard and I wasn't expecting it. Have spent sleepless nights going over every detail and giving myself a migraine in the process

I'm so sorry expat. There should be a word for the bereavement of a friend. I lost someone I loved far more than some members of my family eleven years ago, and I have thought of her every day since then. I talk to her a lot. I think about what she would have done in situations where I've lost my way a bit. And one thing I do that really helps me is to give money to a charity or buy a small present for someone who needs a boost on her birthday and on the anniversary of her death. It really makes me feel better to mark it in this way. I so wish I could buy the presents for her, but it's the next best thing.

Also write her an e-mail. Tell her how you feel. That's helped me too, especially at night when I can't sleep. And tell her if you're angry. It's fine to be honest. The anger comes from love, after all.

expat I can empathise.

The last 24 hours have floored me because my friend has died. I hadn't seen her in a year. She was ill, hid a lot of the truth regarding her illness and never liked to make a fuss. The last time I physically saw her was on good terms. She was pleased to see me; I had missed her so much. We spoke from time to time. She was my rock in my place of work - I could go to her about anything. She was always upfront and honest with me and 'looked after me'.

It was so unexpected. It has definitely hit me harder than what I thought it would. I feel guilty because, despite me abiding by her 'wishes', I feel like I have let her down, I wasn't there for her and didn't tell her how much I cared, worried and missed her. She always put up a false facade and I knew she did. She would never admit to it. She had been let down so much by people she cared about and she thought cared about her that I think it was easier to simply make people believe that she preferred to be on her own.

Knowing someone is just 'there' doesn't make you stop and think that one day they won't be. I'm grieving so much at the moment and often feel silly because within our 'group' I seem to be the only one not holding it together.

I miss her so much. Even though I hadn't physically seen her in a year I just miss her being just a message and a phone call away. And now I can never tell her how much she has meant to me all these years - despite our ups and downs; and we DID have some really bad times. But even at the end, I knew I could still count on her to be a listening ear. I feel utterly bereft that I cannot tell her anything anymore and that I could have done more for her. The guilt is immense.

I'm still sending her messages. Silly as it is. I just needed to tell her about the mes she has left behind.

I'm sorry for your loss and your experience sounds a lot like mine I also hadn't seen my friend in a while as she'd become too difficult
A year on all of her friends are struggling
I hope u have people to talk too x x

I have a few people to talk to and a week on, it is somewhat easier to go about my daily business although my mind wanders a lot and I seem to stare into space.

We recently had news of the funeral. Lots of people going, probably more than what she would have ever realised. She had such a profound effect on a lot of people - professionally and personally.

Today I spoke with a mutual friend who DID see her regularly up until a couple of weeks before her sudden death. It was uplifting to reminisce about our times with her and I actually love hearing about what she had been up to etc.

But it was heartbreaking to hear that she KNEW death was near. She had made so many plans - sorting clothes, funeral, her will etc.

She was let down by health professionals who misdiagnosed her for almost a year and were dithering and not making decisions about her treatment plan. She was so let down in life that I do wonder if she simply gave up.

Music is my source of comfort. I have listened to a lot of songs that remind me of her, that she liked etc just to feel a connection and it has helped a great deal.

The tears have stopped for now, but I dare say they will fall again on the day of her funeral.

You sound like you're going through a similar experience I'm sorry it's so hard
I also found music helpful but also sent me into sadness. Sometimes now a year on depending on my mood I can't listen to certain songs as I don't want to feel sad.
The funeral will be cathartic but very sad for sure
We all got hammered at my friends wake - possibly not the greatest idea but we decided she would approve which was probably true !!as with you the amount of people who came was amazing and made me angry at her even more for doing what she did when so many people from her life took time to come and remember her
Sorry if I missed it but did she take her own life ?

I'll tell you a week is nothing it took me a long time to be mostly ok. In the earlier days I'd suddenly realize I hadn't thought of her all day or for several days and then feel bad and get upset all over
A year on I don't think of her every day but think of her often and did a few things to remember her
I talk to mutual friends often and we talk and laugh and cry about her
The anniversary was hard as I suddenly and unexpectedly felt really really sad again having been ok
It's a process for sure and I wish u the best and send you virtual hugs and support

Thank you elisavita I know I'll always think of her as you do with your friend and hope it won't always hurt to do so
I have written her emails but it's a bit weird as her family members still logon to Facebook and messenger and read them so it feels like writing to them rather than her if you see what I mean !!
I'm trying to be a support her husband and child and I think that's what I can do in her honour xx

I also donated to a mental health charity and sent our mutual friend flowers on her anniversary and you're right those things do help x

No she didn't take her own life. She had an illness that I thought, or was led to believe, was an illness that could be stopped in it's tracks. This was AFTER she battled cancer.

A friend thinks she probably had cancer and either didn't tell people or was undiagnosed. The latter I find hard to believe because she was an in-patient regularly having blood tests etc. Surely they would have picked up cancer markers in her blood?

I think she simply gave up fighting. She had had so much shit thrown at her in the past decade that I do wonder if she thought 'what's the point in fighting?'

She wouldn't accept or believe that so many people respected her and loved her; she pushed people away. She pushed e away. We spoke but she didn't want to see me. I was told that she did this to protect me; that she didn't want me to see her so ill because she knew I would worry and be upset.

It made me angry being told that. I kept thinking 'her' protecting me probably hurt me MORE than if she did let me see her. But I cling onto the hope that she did this because she thought she was doing the best thing. She cared about me and was protecting me from the inevitable.

She was older than me. She was more like a mum to me TBH. I saw a lot of traits in her that I saw in my mum and both she and my mum got along and would often 'gang up' on me!

I simply cannot accept she is gone. I know I will one day and that day maybe when the funeral happens. I close my eyes and wish that someone will tell me that it's been a horrid mistake or the 'bearer of bad news' was being malicious and she is in fact at home recovering.

It's silly really. I am trying hard to come to terms with it. I'm not crying at the moment. I well up and suppress it and I can have a lengthy talk about her with friends without bursting into tears.