Can't cope

[lemonzest123]

Hi everyone,

Long long long time lurker, first time poster here.

I'm in the process of losing my Mum and I haven't a clue how to cope with it. The whole situation is so big and overwhelming and terrifying. I'm in my mid twenties, she is 60 and has been sick on and off for 4 years with cancer. Now we are reaching the end of the road and she is bed bound and sleeping all the time. I wondered if anyone who has been through this is able to share with me what to expect at the end. I haven't found the hospice nurses that helpful (although they're lovely) as every time they go into specifics Mum (understandably!) get extremely upset and we stop talking about it. I feel she could die at any second and it's terrifying me. "After" looks like such a foreign and horrible place and I feel like I will go completely mad without her in my life.



Lemon

[scatterolight]

How are you doing Lemon?

I just read through this thread after coming on here feeling down about my mum. I lost her 3 years ago but it's still incredibly difficult. I really feel for you going through this. It is a terrible experience. Just know that others have been here and are thinking of you. Whatever consolation that brings Bless your mum and take care.

[lemonzest123]

Hi lovelies,

Im with her now, she's drifting in and out of sleep but hopefully we'll be able to watch a bit of bake off. Yesterday was very traumatic in the morning, lots of crying and stuff, but she made me go to my birthday activites my DP had booked. I howled all the way there on the train and DP cuddled me then took me to Harry Potter studio tour and then to our fav hotel for dinner and stay over (where the staff made me a birthday dessert and gave free bubbley). It was a lovely diversion. I contacted work and told them im starying my minths paid leave now, its a huge load off my mind. Hopefully she'll nat least make it home for a few day

[GirlWithTheLionHeart]

That sounds like a lovely birthday, well done for doing it! Your mum wants you to enjoy yourself so you must!

[pinktransit]

I'm so sorry that you're going through this :(
I haven't lost a parent, but I did lose my partner last year.
He died 6 weeks after being diagnosed with pancreatic cancer, and spent his last couple of weeks in hospital and then the last days in a hospice.
When it came to it, the end was very peaceful. I was at the hospice for the last 24 hours, as were his sons. The hardest part for most of the last day and night was listening to his breathing - as he couldn't clear his throat his breath was raspy and noisy. It sounded horrid, but when we looked at his face he looked peaceful, as if he was just sleeping normally. Right at the end, I was chatting with one of the nurses, laughed about something she said. She left, and Pete, for the first time in over 24 hours opened his eyes and looked straight at me. I went over, held his hand and told him that everything was ok. He looked at me, then looked slightly surprised, and then he was gone. His breathing stopped briefly and then started again for a few breaths (I was so relieved at this, as I'd been so scared that he would literally stop breathing and suffocate and it would be awful).
I was so grateful that we all had some time with him to say what we needed to say - for me that was that I loved him, that I was so happy to have been part of his life - his sons also had time alone with him.
We sat with him afterwards for a while, then the nurses came and made him comfortable. That sounds really strange, but he died lying in a slightly awkward position, and they straightened him out, and made the bed etc. We then had the opportunity if we wanted to spend more time with him. We did, then the lads left and I stayed with him for a while longer. I didn't want to leave him, even though he was gone. It was really good to spend that time - and the nurses promised that they'd take good care of him once I'd gone home again.
His death was peaceful and dignified, just me and him at the end.
It's been very nearly a year now, and it's been the hardest year ever. It doesn't get better, but it does get easier eventually. One of the things that I found helped was this reading.
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/bereavement/2507594-How-to-deal-with-grief

The reading linked about about death being nothing was the one that I read at his funeral. I found out afterwards that it's one that was read at his mums funeral too.

[mumwhatnothing]

I know how you are feeling. My mum (59) has recently been diagnosed with cancer and only has days possibly a couple of weeks to live. I flew over from Oz as soon as I heard. Unfortunately my mum can hardly hear anything and can barely speak so having those last few comforting chats are impossible. I can't hug her because she is so uncomfortable she doesn't really want to be touched. She sleeps a lot. All she wants is to go outside for a cigarette but she is too weak to sit up so we can't get her in a wheelchair. We feel completely useless and since the Drs have said the cancer is terminal and there is absolutely nothing to be done we are totally helpless. We can't fight for our mums life and we can't grieve because she is still here. I don't know what to do or how to feel. I have to leave for Oz on Monday and I am so scared I won't get to say goodbye to my mum or be there for her funeral or tell her anything she should know. She can't hear me she can't understand and she can't tell me it's all ok. Because it's not. My whole life I could never imagine this pain and fear but now I am stuck right in the middl of it with nowhere to turn.
I'm sorry for hijacking your post but your situation made me realise how little I and my brothers are coping too.
I'm so sorry for your situation and I hope you find some support and your mum is comforted by your presence.
I'm so sorry for unburdening my soul. I can't cope either.

[lemonzest123]

Hi both,

Thanks for sharing your experiences. I've got tears in my eyes because I can feel the exact pain you describe! I'm on my way home (1 hour away) in huge amounts of guilt for not staying at my Dad's house with him (they live in big 5 bed, my Dad's alone there tonight). Which leads me to the question if how you parent or guardians surviving partner coped, if there is one? They're been married 36 years and he doesn't have many close mates and would never ask for support. Its breaking my heart so hard thinking of him being left alone.

I should have stayed but I selfishly really wanted to see DP as he's at mine and going home to his 200 miles away on Fri.

[lemonzest123]

PM me if you need to Mumwhatnothing x

[2littlepiggies]

How are you doing op?

[lemonzest123]

Hey lovelies,

Final hours/days now :'-(

She's constantly asleep and if she does wake up makes no sense, not eating or drinking. Thank god she doesn't seem to be in pain atm.

Adopting brace position....

[botemp]

I'm lacking the 'right thing' to say right now but I'll be keeping you and your mum in my thoughts.

This thread somehow disappeared on my 'watching list' but it's good to see you're still around. If I'm up tonight/early morning I'll check in on your other thread.

As for the remaining parent/partner thing, I have to say my father still isn't coping all that well years on but I'd put that down more to his personality than anything else. His social circle has always been more work colleagues than actual friends and even if he had them when it comes to emotions he's a stick your head in the sand type so I doubt they'd be all that helpful.

His grieving process was very different to mine, same with my brother, and we all just had to sort of respect that and work around it. My dad really makes a big point about certain days (anniversary of her death, birthday, anniversaries, etc.) where with the exception of my own birthday as mentioned above those days don't harbour special meaning for me at all. I've noticed for my dad they're really important because he holds it all in year round but is 'allowed' not to on those days. Being physically around for him on those days (he still clams up at the mere mention of my mother's name unfortunately) is soothing to him so I make sure I'm just there.

It was a bit touch and go in the beginning, I had to really pay attention to how much he was drinking where that had never been a concern before. He hid it well and only ever drank in excess on days where he wasn't expected to work the next day. It seems contained now but it was worrying then nonetheless. I think the black hole he fell into after was bigger for him, the reality of my mum dying really didn't resonate with him until she physically died, he was really unwilling to accept that it was going to happen until it happened.

These days he'll jump at the opportunity to attend any funeral, even if the relation is very distant. I think he just wants to connect to people feeling the same thing without having to actually talk about it, I can't make up my mind whether it's healthy behaviour or not. It worries me that he still feels it so intensely as if it just happened but at the same time he's processing in his way. He is doing better these days (and general life, work, etc. never really suffered, one really had to know him well to detect anything was wrong) but I think the grief is something he'll always cling onto. I'm half convinced if he ever finds another partner again she'll be a widow or a cancer survivor but I sincerely hope it would be someone without that baggage and for them to connect over something else.

Apologies for the verbosity once more, I'm crap about being succinct about these things as it never feels all that black and white.

[frostyfingers]

I don't know if it will help but I read the newspaper and magazines out loud when I was in your position, just so they could hear my voice and knew they weren't alone, and to give me something to distract me. Maybe if you know a book or something that she likes it would be soothing for you both.

It's so hard, take care.

[Mnp2015]

Thinking of you LemonZest123. Xx