That is all I can focus on now. Mum died last week after a long slow death. She never aged well, had a bypass in her 60s and cancer a few years later. I am angry that she never aged well - she never smoked, drank, she exercised etc. But she just did not get dealt the best hand in that respect. She eventually died a slow death from dementia. She was not really that old. I tried to focus on what she could still do when I saw her but it felt like every time something else had gone. She was always my best friend, but over the last few years it got so hard. I used to speak to her every day on the phone (she did not live nearby) but just over a year ago she stopped talking, and then shortly after stopped walking, eating, and became doubly incontinent. She moved to a nursing home then. She used to come and stay with me often but couldn't any more - the last time she tried (in 2014) she called the police after I had been out at work a few hours and they came and bashed the front door in because she said she had fallen (she hadn't). She was in a care home by then and they rung and told me the journey was too much for her also.
I just did not see her that much after 2013/2014 because I have two young kids, and was working. I wish I had given up work and moved her to a home nearer me, so I could have spent more time with her. Her behaviour was difficult and my daughters did not want her around that much (she tried to monopolise me so I could not look after then). I have so much regret that I left her alone when she was declining and needed her family. She was living near my brother but he was not good at going to see her (he found it too emotional and hard to see her as she was). I saw her last about 10 days before she died; she was not very responsive at all, lying in bed, very thin and frail. I knew it was near the end, deep down, but could not admit that somehow and just said a quick good bye and went home. She did manage to say my name, and hold me hand for a few moments. I realised I had only seen her 4 times over the last 6 months. I have been waiting for her to die in some ways, she was becoming just a shell of her former person, but now I feel awful regret that I was not there for her. I did not see her at the very end, as she went downhill fast and I did not get time to make arrangements for my kids to get there in time. But I think it is reflecting on the last few years that are really upsetting me, not the very end.
I think this is because when I/she was younger I did so much - she was always visiting me, I took her on holiday many times, and always out at the weekend. I was with her through cancer treatment in 2008 and my Dad's death. she expected it, she wasnt always easy but we were always close. Towards the end, I was more emotionally distant (I guess the decline hurt too much) as well. I'm not sure why now. I don't even want my career any more. There were better times but not towards the end. I'm not sure what I am saying now but I just cannot forgive myself for not managing better and I want to replay the last few years and do it right this time.