"Let me know if I can do anything"

[dirtyprettything]

My brother died very suddenly a few weeks ago and it's been a dreadful, awful time.

People have mostly been very kind and (I know) at a loss for what they can do.

I know I am being a right old cow but the phrase "Let me know if I can do anything" is seriously starting to grate on me.

it feels like the onus is on me to pick up the phone and start ordering people around or to even know what I want and also like it's a bit of a get out of jail free card - they've said their bit and off they go.

Now obviously I am being horrible and I probably have used the phrase myself in the past but I may just go for the next poor sap who says it to me.

people say this because they don't want to intrude by taking over anything like cooking, cleaning, dog walking as they are not that close to you
what else can they say unless they are close enough to enfold you in a loving hug and listen to you talk about your loss ( I know this is what I wanted when I lost my sister and my parents. )
If the phrase is so aggravating even if well-meant , it is difficult to know what to say
sorry for your loss

Sorry for your loss. I can't speak for everyone but I know that when I've said that, it's not been just words or just to make myself feel better or to get out of doing anything concrete. I've said it in the past when I don't know the person well enough to be able to step in and do what's needed without having to ask.
Not all of us have bad motives. I get that it's a bit useless on a practical level (I've been on the receiving end too). Just take it as 'I am thinking of you and if you need someone I am here but I am not going to force myself into your grief.'

Sorry for your loss, dirty. I'm in the zone right now as my DH died late last week. The practical stuff has been good, especially soup. Soup is the dog's bollocks when the very thought of food is like ashes in the mouth.
The best has been when it has been active, though run past me first.

I have yet to hit the wall of meaningless offers, though I've had some fecking strange responses to DH's death in RL.

Things that make you go

Oh, I've found a meaningless offer: the one that says I will do such and such right away. And doesn't.

The other one is the negation: I'm really shit about keeping in touch.

When my son was traumatically killed the following are things people dud and for which I am forever grateful.

They didn't ask me to let them know what I needed

Got in huge supplies of tea, coffee, sugar, milk and wine. Just plonked them in fridge without a word. Same with toilet rolls as we had so many people in and out of the house ( and I couldn't eat)

Came and took the dog for the day and got her groomed. It was summer and hot and she stank and it was adding to my stress.

Cane and sorted through flowers every few days throwing those that were past it.

Looked around the house for things that needed doing and just did them. Washing up and vacuuming that sort of thing. Changing duvet covers etc

Sent lovely letters and cards with a story of their particular memories of my boy.

So really we all know the tasks that always need doing and the drinks that will always need to be drunk. I can only speak for myself of course but the shock stopped me functioning for many weeks. If it hadn't been for the kindness of the people who just took over I don't know what I would have done

This is so spot on, notarehearsal, and sorry for your loss

Yesterday, when it all went quiet after the funeral, a friend of DH's who I'd contacted quite late as I thought there was rift between them (there wasn't, just stuff got in the way) pitched up with wonderful food and wine.

More importantly he listened to what I had to say about the stuff around DH's death, without embarrassment or avoidance. Then we had jokes about Game of Thrones and the zombie apocalypse film I had teed up to watch.:o
Something he said was that DH's death had made him get in touch with lots of people he'd let slip, and I agreed, better late than never; you regret the things you don't do, rarely the things you do.

This was the worst I had after DH died suddenly. About four weeks afterwards I had to go to the Chiropractor and told her secretary about DH whilst waiting for my appointment. She said

"Hey ho.....you just don't know"

I was speechless ......

OP, I am so sorry for your loss.

Echt, I am also so sorry to hear about your dh's death. You are a very longserving MNer, iirc.

I think/hope threads like these will help us help better.

"Hey ho.....you just don't know"

So right. Only today I encountered a colleague, the kindest of souls, for the first time since my DH died, and after the the conventional (and valued) condolences went on to say: Life, it can be over in flash, eh? Who knows what could happen?

Fuck me. That had so never occurred to me.

In my second and kinder moments, I realised they were just rabbits in the headlights, jabbering.

Nod and smile.

Often it's the most unexpected people who get it and the ones who you think will be there who back off. Death does scare some people and they think doing or saying nothing is better than doing the wrong thing. I have been told by friends before now that they don't know what to say and are afraid of upsetting the bereaved person. My reply is the most hurtful thing you can do is ignore the loss and the words don't need to be perfect they just need to acknowledge what has happened.

I find so,some saying
"I don't know what to say" absolutely fine and honest. I wouldn't know what to say either.
One thing I've learned is that saying nothing is never the right thing.

In such a situation, it could be so hard to say the right words and say at the right time - especially when you do feel like you need to hear them. Don't be too harsh on people. Some of them are surely genuinely concerned about you, some are saying it because they should. I am sure that on some level deep inside each of us there is a true sense of compassion. Sometimes it is small enough to call for a 'Let me know if I can do anything', other times they really mean that you could task with something that you don't feel like doing at the time, because you feel bad.

Honestly, I feel like the best thing that people could at times like these is just ... sit there and listen to you. Your crying, your worries, your objections ... everything.

When I was fifteen my uncle was killed in a car accident, he'd popped out to fill the car with petrol, a 10 minute job but we never saw him again. My aunt didn't have children and so I spent a lot of time with her in the weeks following. At first there was a lot of activity, everyone shocked but after a few weeks everyone drifted back to their lives and adjusted to what had happened, long before she had even begun to. She always said this was the hardest time. I remember walking down the street with her and seeing two very good friends of hers cross the road to avoid her; it was so hurtful even though she knew it was because they were anxious about saying the wrong thing or triggering an emotional response. I resolved to always say something, never avoid, deal with the upset response but always always acknowledge, and yes OP, be specific about what sort of help and when and only offer up what you know you can definitely do. In the end, as my aunt couldn't handle it, including the 'is there anything I can do?' She kind of appointed my DM as her advocate/spokesperson so my mum was saying to people 'yes you can do something' and making a specific request like 'you can weed the garden or walk the dog'. Most people were glad to have their vague offer harnessed, others ... Well, you quickly know who your friends are. One said to her, 'look, I'm sorry, but I'm going to steer clear as I'm not good with negativity'! Another, six months down the line, 'aren't you over it yet'? Bloody unbelievable. Sorry for your difficult situation OP, a really tough situation and I completely understand what you're saying