If you spent a lot of time with someone you loved while they were dying, have you been able to remember them as they were before?

[JenniferYellowHat1980]

My DM has been in hospital with pneumonia and various infections associated with end-stage cancer for a month. There is nothing more to be done apart from symptom control, so a move to the hospice is being planned.

We have always been close, but to my great regret, most of my time in recent years has been spent trying to keep on top of teaching full time and looking after my two young DCs. This last month, however, I was able to be with her 24/7 in a side room and since she moved to a hospital nearer home I've been with her for most of every day. If she gets to the hospice I won't leave her at all.

While I feel like I'm going to look back knowing that I've done right be her at the end, I'm really worried that in my memory she will be frail, helpless and dying. While it's important to me that her death is part of her whole, I don't want to lose sight of the vigorous, hardworking, creative, fit and inspirational woman she used to be. She's just 60 and it already feels as if she's been robbed of a third of her life; her retirement. I don't want her to be robbed of her identity too.

How have you kept the memories of the 'real' person you lost fresh? Unfortunately both she and I are camera shy so I have very few photos and no videos.

Yes. My mother died in March, almost two years ago. I put photographs into the order of service for her funeral so people would remember the person she was, not just in her deterioration in her last couple of years. I believe in afterlife and that she is 'whole' in some way, so I am not concerned about her, though her physical form was wrecked before she died. I went to see her in her coffin three times. Her mouth had been pulled to a straight line and had been fixed in place - perhaps with a metal bar of some kind? So I have that image as well as the ones of her dying self. But the memories of her as a young, vigorous and healthy woman come through despite that, and increasingly so as time passes.

You are right to do everything you can for your mum. My mum was very close to death before Christmas, in a nursing home, unable to eat etc. I sat with her one night, past my usual visiting time, because I'd bought a tiny fibre optic Christmas tree and some minute baubles to put on it. Threading each one took ages! But the nurses later said that she asked for the tree to be left on each night, so she could see the colours changes and the glittery decorations. As I left that night, when I told her I loved her, she said "You must do, doing all that work!"

Thinking that she had something pleasant to look at when she was alone in the dark, bedridden and with only her final journey ahead of her is actually a comfort to me. The things that you do for your mum now will help you later.

Hi OP, so sorry for what you are going through.

My DM died when I was 30 and she was 68 after 8 months of extreme ill health, including 3 months in critical care. It's 6 years ago now but I still have moments where I see ill Mum in my head, but increasingly more times when I see the Mum she was before.

I think that memories of the real person are personal to that person and sometimes you don't know what will trigger them. My DM was a singer and had very strong opinions about the standard of modern music! Every time I hear Adele I think about how DM would love her voice even though she never got to hear it.

I also find that telling off my DF for not dressing smartly when appropriate/ laying the table to DM's standards definitely reminds me of the DM I grew up with. DF gives me a wry grin exactly the way he used to smile at me behind her back as we united in our lower standards.

I don't really look at photos of my DM or visit her grave, she is with me every day whenever I want her to be and living everyday life brings the memories of the DM who brought me up and loved me.

I totally understand your fears and they may well be your reality for a while, but your personal link with your DM will surface when you are ready and you will find the memories you need.

If im being honest, i had 21 years of my dh as a best friend, we were together as a couple for 10 years, i cannot remember him before his illness...
However he only passed away 8 weeks ago, so maybe other memories will come again.. I hope so....there was so many!!
All my memories at the moment are of the last 17 months since diagnosis to death.
Its ridiculous really because we had 21 years of wonderful amazing memories.
Im sure they will become clearer in time. I think its hard because you want to cling to the most recent memories..

When my DH died I was worried I would forget him, worried that I would forget the sound of his voice and his laughter.
He was absent from my dreams which made me cross.
Slowly I did start to dream about him, in the first few instances it was seeing him when he was ravished by cancer, after a year of that I now dream him BC, I'm sure in time it will be the same for you.

Dear Jennifer and all other previous posters, so sorry to read all your stories.
I lived overseas for much of my mum'd cancer but managed to visit very often.
When it was clearly near the end I went to help care for her in her last month.
The deterioration was so fast and cruel, I couldn't believe someone with do much vitality could turn in to that frail shell of a human being.
Her body changed shape, her expression left her face. I did so many of the little things mentioned by you and others.

In short it was a very intense period, and you' re going through it right now.

If it's any consolation no part if my mum's illness or death was harder than those last weeks.

Unfortunately I did have flashback for months, literally they would just come to me and I could not shake the awful memories away. The only way was to keep busy as possible and not let my mind wander.

Only now, 8 months on am I able to regain some of the good memories. I saw one of my mum's favourite scents in boots and spritzed it on.

From previous pps sounds like this is quite common, especially for those who did have a prolonged period of caring at the end.

I really really feel for you during this phase, and hope you find some light relief and support even during the hardest moments.

It will be ok, and some of your old healthy mum will stay with you and come back to you eventually, you'll see.

My first husband died from cancer, in the early days I worried about the same thing as you but over time the good memories featured more prominently and I could remember him as he was pre illness.

I read this post while my brother was still with us, but very ill in hospital and then in the past 3 weeks in a hospice. I agree, it is so very difficult to remember that loved one beyond the awfulness of illness.

Because of this post, I was able to focus on seeing through his illness and found that there was so much about him, my brother, still there - with his zany humour, calling me "rat-bag", his intelligence and insightfulness, which lasted right up until the end of his life. He was brave and kind and generous with everyone.

He passed away this morning at 4.45 am and I'm in a better place (maybe in fits and starts at the moment!), having tried to see through the immediate and keep hold of him, the person, for as long as time would allow.

Now I believe he is in a good place, not suffering anymore and I'm so glad I had him as my brother for the years I did.

sorry I think I meant Thread rather than post!

I cared for my dying father for 9 months. Towards the end, he wasn't himself either mentally or physically, and for a long time after he died there was a sense of relief. Relief for him, that he was no longer in pain and relief for me that I could spend more time with my own family. It took a long time for me to remember the man that he was before the illness, but it did happen. Even many years on, I suddenly remember things that he said or did, and it's lovely that the "bad" months are more of a distant memory.

I am now caring for my own dm. I have no idea how long I have, but I know that it's the right thing to do, and no matter how hard it is, I won't have any regrets that I didn't do all I could to make her comfortable and brighten her days.

You won't regret spending time with your dm now, but I do know how hard it is..

My dad died of cancer 7 years ago. I cared for him as much as I could for the 10 months of his illness, was with him every day for the last fortnight and was there when he died. I hope I never smell tinned tomato soup again - for a while that was all he could eat - and I'll never forget the panic I felt when they had no 1litre bottles of lemonade in the supermarket and I hadn't got time to walk the 2 mile round trip to the other one, or the kindness of the nurses, or the way he looked before and immediately after death, and when he was in his coffin in a suit with a hole in the bum because he wouldn't want me cremating a good one. Only recently a song on the radio made me cry. Mostly though, I remember him as he was for the 27 years before that, the fun, the laughter, the unending love and support. I'm sure the memories will settle down for you in the same way.

My Mum died 9 months ago from cancer, she was just 66. She was unconscious in hospital for a week before she died and I was there all through the day, and alternated the nights with my Stepdad. I was the only one with her when she died. I don't remember too much of that week, except the 'nice' things I tried to do for her: reading the reviews of the BnB she ran, painting her nails, retelling silly stories. The rest I'm not sure if I've subconsciously blocked it, or I've just chosen not to dwell on. Either way it's not a part of her life I would define her by, even when I force myself to think about it now. I remember a very different person.

I have no videos of her either, and few photos from the last few years as she made me delete most as I took them, as she thought she looked awful and old from all her treatment. I'm very glad I refused to delete some, especially the few with my DD, who I feel lucky she got to meet. I keep photos up around the house from happier times, and treasure the little things of hers around my house, as well as my memories of course. I have recorded and kept safe a couple of answer phone messages too, which are pretty mundane, but I don't want to forget her voice. The only bad memory I have is visiting her in the funeral directors. I really wish I hadn't had to as it just wasn't her in there, she looked so different, but if I could do things over I still would've gone as I wanted to check she'd been looked after and there was no one else who was able to do it.

In the very short term you may think about this time, and question decisions etc. You will come to remember all the good stuff instead as time goes on. Try and be kind to yourself. I've found it a lonely path what follows, and it's not a short one. I'm certainly nowhere near things becoming easier but I know they will sometime. And don't beat yourself up about the time spent with your young DCs rather than her. She's had you, so will understand completely how consuming that is in the early years.