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Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters.

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Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters.

Bereavement

Has anyone else lost both parents?

61 replies

ssd · 19/12/2015 22:54

just wondering if anyone feels like me

I was utterly heart broken when my dad died, years and years ago, ds was a baby and mum was devastated so I had to help her. But I still had her, had the family home, had the place I grew up in with her in it. Life continued, with a big dad shaped hole in it.

But since mum died, its all gone, there's nothing left. And the world has changed and never gone back to how it was. Mum died years ago but the world is still turning in the opposite direction it did when she was here.

I'm not asking if this is normal, I don't know what I'm asking. I just find it hard to connect if that's the word, with people who have only lost one parent. I want to scream but you still have your mum or dad left, its not the same, its not the same.

don't know what I'm trying to say.

OP posts:

Report

Roussette · 21/12/2015 20:51

Yesssd you are not alone. Both my parents died within just over a week of each other not recently but it was a huge shock, and everything does change because they were a fore to be reckoned with and kept the family so close. We still are close-ish but in a totally different way. Because it's not recent I do feel I have now come to terms with it all but Christmas throws everything up again because my Mum was a bit bossy about how to do the christmas lunch. (I'm not making light of your feelings, I just wanted to post about how I now cope and we can now as family laugh about their funny little ways and the sadness has receded.

ssd I am not trivialising how you are feeling at all, I'm just clumsily trying to say that grief has no time limit and to be kind to yourself and realise that your emptiness you are feeling is totally normal.

Even all these years later I go to grab the phone to tell my Mum something and smile wryly to myself when I realise I can't. I suppose that means I'm used to now not having parents.

I do hope Christmas is bearable for you

Roussette · 21/12/2015 20:52

*force to be reckoned with

PunkrockerGirl · 21/12/2015 21:14

Yes, me.
And my db is terminally ill and in the last few days of his life. I've got my lovely dh and dc, but when db dies I will feel bereft as there'll be none of my "original" family left.
Dh has both his elderly parents still alive and has never had any close family bereavement. When db was diagnosed, I felt angry, that it wasn't our turn to go through this yet again after both our dp suffered so muchwhen dying of cancer. I don't feel proud of feeling like this, but I'm human. Db is dying a horrible death, in spite of the best efforts of the palliative care team.

OP, I didn't want to derail, I'm truly sorry for what you're going through. Be kind to yourself, there's no time limit on grief.

And to those of you who still have your parents and siblings around, treasure every moment. Never assume that my situation won't happen to you, it never occurred to me that it would either

PunkrockerGirl · 21/12/2015 21:20

OP please accept my apologies, I didn't read that you posted in bereavement, not chat. Therefore my last sentence was completely inappropriate

Roussette · 21/12/2015 21:20

Oh poor you punk, I agree you never know what's round the corner.

Kingfisherfree · 21/12/2015 21:31

Yes ssd I have lost both parents and I too have only just realised my siblings don't care for me in the same way that I do them. It is hard to explain but I get exactly what you mean.

It is like you have to navigate the world anew - what you thought was true was in fact a sham. I think I will be alright but it's going to take some time.

Sorry you are going through the same.

ssd · 21/12/2015 22:24

Goingtobeawesome , thank you, thats so lovely . I found myself telling people at work today who asked what I'm doing for christmas, "are you having the family over?", no, I have no family outwith dh and the dc's. They looked at me a bit strange. Its comforting to think I have family here, thank you again.

kingfishertree, " what you thought was true was in fact a sham"...exactly, exactly. Am sorry you are going through it too.

punk, no need to apologise, none at all, I understand.

thanks again everyone.

OP posts:

Hassled · 21/12/2015 22:29

My mother died when I was a teenager and then my father when I was in my 30s. It hits you like a tidal wave at times - I'm pushing 50 now but the sense of loss doesn't go away. You just get better at coping with it.

What has helped me enormously is seeing my parents in my DCs or myself - there will be a look or a comment or a laugh and I'll realise my parents really aren't very far away at all. I hope you're able to find that comfort.

Thinking of everyone in the same horrible boat - it can be a bloody hard time of year.

Goingtobeawesome · 22/12/2015 19:10

How's things today, ssd.

I joked with my MIL today how we we good kids as we were going to theirs for Christmas unlike BIL and his partner. She pointed out BIL partner had a mum.

Such thoughtlessness really hurt.

Btw, I really was joking. I like BIL and his partner and we'll see them soon anyway.

ssd · 22/12/2015 22:42

That would hurt!!

am okay-ish, getting near to Christmas now....but shit really isnt it.....x

OP posts:

CainInThePunting · 22/12/2015 23:14

This is going to be bloody hard for you and I'm sorry for that.

I lost my father (we weren't close, it was a shock but not devastating) when I was 18 and then four years ago my mother died suddenly.

I was utterly beyond devastated when she died and for at least three years after but I'm back in the land of the living now, at least I feel I am.
My stepdad seems to be trying to rely on me as he did my mother but I'm fighting that as best I can because I'm not her. She was a force of nature which I am not. I love him but I clearly can't rely on him to support me.

Anyway, what I'm trying to say is make sure you give yourself the time you need. Don't let others push you and don't allow them to push their burden on you.

It's such a cliche but give yourself all the time you need.
You really do need that time but then you will feel when you are ready to step forward and get back in the land of the living.

I hope that makes sense and helps a little.

pud1 · 22/12/2015 23:35

i have lost both my parents this year. mum on 21st april and dad on 21st oct exactly 6 months apart. they were both 59. i am struggling to come to terms with it. i am just trying to plod along.

ssd · 23/12/2015 10:03

thanks cain, I do agree time is the only healer here, but like you said, people expect you to be "fine" in a matter of weeks and still feeling lost at times 3 years later, somehow feels almost embarrassing and something to be hidden, which I do. No one wants to hear you are still hurting.

pud1, my god that is hard, I'm so sorry!

OP posts:

EBearhug · 23/12/2015 10:22

3 years is nothing!

I don't think it ever goes away, (nor would I entirely want it to, ) but life does take on a new shape. You do cross a line which others don't really get till they also have.

Today would have been Mum's birthday.

Goingtobeawesome · 23/12/2015 10:50

It is, ssd. I think various people ---- think you can't miss what you've never had..

I bake with my kids. Never had that.
My kids had birthday parties and cakes I'd made. One party, bought cake.
I've been too ten years worth of school stuff X 3 at times. I never had a single person come and watch me.

All seems small and irrelevant but it's just an easy way of saying what you've missed. I've never had my parents tell me they love me. No wonder I'm needy and insecure .

pud1. I'm so sorry .

VulcanWoman · 23/12/2015 11:02

Sorry for your loss.
My dad died many years ago, a week before my son was born.
My mum has dementia, I think they'll be 3 stages to my grief, I've been through the first two, the first one was my mums illness, the second when I had to clear out my parents house, the third one is to come, unfortunately part of that will be relief.

Fuckitfay · 23/12/2015 13:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SirVixofVixHall · 23/12/2015 13:43

I lost my Dad three yeasr ago. My Mum is still here, but she has increasing dementia and has had to go into a care home. So the family home has gone, and my Mum is disappearing in increments. She is extremely frail and I don't think she will be here next Christmas. It is tough losing a family base, I have boxex of things to sort out that I can't face going through. I miss my Dad very much, and I miss the motherliness of my Mum. I mother her now, rather than her mothering me.

Rowgtfc72 · 23/12/2015 16:29

Mum died when I was 26. Dad died eighteen months ago.
I find it hard as I'm an older mum and the other mums at school are just starting to lose grandparents, they still have their mums and dads.
I am now the head of my family ,as my brother is younger, which I find odd. It should be my dad.

absolutelynotfabulous · 23/12/2015 16:42

Dad died when I was 29; Mam when I was 43. I'm actually sadder that dd will never know grandparents. From my own point of view, I'm sad, but I have some great memories of them. Christmas is difficult as we used to have some great laughs then.

Hard as it is, I just try to remember the good times and be thankful for them. I don't mean that to sound trite, by the way, just my way of dealing with things.

VulcanWoman · 23/12/2015 16:58

I just try to remember the good times and be thankful for them I agree, because some people aren't so fortunate.

I find it strange when I see older people with their parents, silly I know, strange probably isn't the right word really, but it just doesn't compute with me.

lilone1234 · 23/12/2015 17:12

It is good to hear that other people feel the same. Like many others here I have lost both parents - dad 4 years ago when I was 22 and mum this time last year at 26 when my DD was 3 months old. I feel the same as you OP when I want to yell at people that it's not the same when they try and show empathy, as I am 27 the vast majority of people I know haven't lost either parent and compare it to losing grandparents. Still, clearly lots of people lose their parents young. It is so unfair. I miss them both but was much closer to my mum who died quite suddenly whereas my dad had cancer, and I miss my mum terribly. What upsets me most is that she was so excited to become a grandmother and barely got to be one. I feel very bitter about it and it stops me feeling sympathy about other things. Like DP's mum recently found to have eye problems. He says how sad it is...I don't think so in comparison. Not a good way to think though. Hope that changes with time.

Wishing the best to all other posters missing their parents.

EBearhug · 23/12/2015 20:22

I am now the head of my family

Yes, that's one of the things I found weird, being the absolute oldest one left, when I was only in my 30s.

And many of my friends still had grandparents, let alone parents.

There was also a split between those who said it was being orphaned, and those who said that was a load of rubbish, as you're already grown up. But you're never old enough and grown-up enough to lose your parents.

absolutelynotfabulous · 24/12/2015 08:21

I don't get the "orphan" thing either, tbh. I find it a bit strange when older people, even people in their 60s, talk about being an orphan! I agree you're never too old to feel the loss of your parents, but losing parents as a child is surely not the same as losing your parents as an adult.

Cacofonix · 24/12/2015 10:59

I am finding getting ready for Christmas (especially today as I am cooking) very difficult - Dad died in October rather suddenly and, I am realising, in quite a traumatic way for us left behind. I still have my Mum and siblings, so OP not exactly as you, but Dad loved Christmas and he was at mine last year helping me do all the stuff I am doing on my own today.

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