Has anyone else lost both parents?

[ssd]

just wondering if anyone feels like me

I was utterly heart broken when my dad died, years and years ago, ds was a baby and mum was devastated so I had to help her. But I still had her, had the family home, had the place I grew up in with her in it. Life continued, with a big dad shaped hole in it.

But since mum died, its all gone, there's nothing left. And the world has changed and never gone back to how it was. Mum died years ago but the world is still turning in the opposite direction it did when she was here.

I'm not asking if this is normal, I don't know what I'm asking. I just find it hard to connect if that's the word, with people who have only lost one parent. I want to scream but you still have your mum or dad left, its not the same, its not the same.

don't know what I'm trying to say.

[LittleCandle]

My mother died in a car accident 16 years ago. It was devastating, but over the years I have realised that I remember her as she was, not someone who looked like my mother but wasn't really. I miss her every day and some days I could just weep, as it seems to have only happened yesterday. My father died almost 5 years ago and sad to say I don't miss him. He was not well, and although it wasn't dementia, he was rude and always picking fault with whatever I did. When I was picking him off the floor at 3am, after receiving a phone call to go and do so, he was swearing at me that this was my fault.

It is odd to think that I am an orphan. A lot of my friends still have both parents, most still have at least one. I am lucky to have my children and a grandchild, but there is always that empty space where they would have been, most notably at 'special' times.

[Lauresbadhairday]

ssd and lilone thank you for understanding. I feel awful for feeling this way and today actually went quite well so I feel doubly bad. It helps to know that others feel the same.

[lilone1234]

Lauresbadhairday - I feel the same about PIL too. Then feel bad for feeling that way!

[ssd]

I feel on my own a lot of the time too, even though I have dh and the dc's. I think the way my siblings have ignored me has made me feel much worse. And these feelings at Christmas can be magnified, making it much worse.

[Roussette]

I hope you ssd and everyone else on here had a peaceful Christmas Day and could think of your lost ones without too much sadness.

I do agree it's strange when you don't have parents and yet there are some friends who still have grandparents!

My very best friend (only a few years younger than me) only lost her Grandmother last year and yet I haven't had parents for over a decade and my last grandparent died 45 years ago. I just find that so peculiar because I feel I've been sort of 'on my own' for so long, and yet up until last year she still had parents and a grandparent. It can be quite lonely without parents even if you are surrounded by random relatives!

[ssd]

I understand exactly what you're saying, Lauresbadhairday.

[Lauresbadhairday]

Just to clarify my above comment I don't wish my PILs were dead it's just that seeing them somehow highlights my loss.

[Lauresbadhairday]

Also thinking of you all here.

I had a little cry earlier thinking about my parents and how much I miss them. I can totally relate to what you are saying ssd about feeling much younger than my 40 odd years when I think about missing them.

Christmas is particularly hard as we buried my dad 4 years ago on 21st Dec. Also dreading my PILs coming tomorrow because although they are lovely people I almost resent the fact they are still here and my parents aren't. Does that make me an awful person? Never admitted that before.

Anyway hope you all are having a good (enough) day.

[WhoTheFuckIsSimon]

I feel like an orphan though technically I'm not. My dad died a coup,e of years ago and while my mum is alive I've been totally NC with her for ages. Sorry, don't mean to upset anyone as im sure some people will think that at least I have the choice, etc. But she really is awful, physically and emotionally abusive. She used to beat me as a child.

My grandparents are all dead as are my aunts and uncles.

I have an older brother and Dh and dd but that's all of my family/relatives. Feels lonely at times. I'm only in my 30s and most people I know have a lot more living relatives.

I do find xmas especially hard especially because my dad died a couple of weeks before Xmas.

[ssd]

Merry Christmas to all of us here!

There is a real comfort in knowing how I feel isn't weird or mean, its just normal when you don't have any parents anymore. I'm nearly 50 and I certainly feel like an orphan, I feel about ten years old when I think of mum and dad and how much I miss them, and going home to them. I don't know why, but I just feel like a child.

I struggle too with adults who still have grandparents, I almost shouted at someone at work yesterday "your GRAN is coming for Christmas!!" people looked at me like I was nuts, but it totally sounded alien to me. All my grandparents and aunts and uncles are long dead, some died in the 1940's!! and by that I mean uncle, not even grandparents!!

I can't fathom people my age with parents and frail grandparents and uncles and aunts, my cousins are nearly 80...

its weird, but its how it is. It does make me bitter and I really wish my brilliant kids had grandparents or any family at all on my side who think about them at all. Its very hard, especially at Christmas. It hurts.

anyway, I hope you all have as nice a day as you all can today

[itispersonal]

I understand what you are saying op. I lost my df just over a year old this is the 2nd Christmas without him. Because my dm is still here, same family home etc you can kind of make an excuse of why he isn't here and stop yourself from processing the reality and yes there is a huge dad shaped hole and life is carrying. But I know when my dm dies, the whole world will be turned upside down.

My cousins lost their mum and dad a year apart and I know one cousin is particular is struggling and is finding life hard.

So to you and everyone else in the same situation

[Cacofonix]

I am finding getting ready for Christmas (especially today as I am cooking) very difficult - Dad died in October rather suddenly and, I am realising, in quite a traumatic way for us left behind. I still have my Mum and siblings, so OP not exactly as you, but Dad loved Christmas and he was at mine last year helping me do all the stuff I am doing on my own today.

[absolutelynotfabulous]

I don't get the "orphan" thing either, tbh. I find it a bit strange when older people, even people in their 60s, talk about being an orphan! I agree you're never too old to feel the loss of your parents, but losing parents as a child is surely not the same as losing your parents as an adult.

[EBearhug]

I am now the head of my family

Yes, that's one of the things I found weird, being the absolute oldest one left, when I was only in my 30s.

And many of my friends still had grandparents, let alone parents.

There was also a split between those who said it was being orphaned, and those who said that was a load of rubbish, as you're already grown up. But you're never old enough and grown-up enough to lose your parents.

[lilone1234]

It is good to hear that other people feel the same. Like many others here I have lost both parents - dad 4 years ago when I was 22 and mum this time last year at 26 when my DD was 3 months old. I feel the same as you OP when I want to yell at people that it's not the same when they try and show empathy, as I am 27 the vast majority of people I know haven't lost either parent and compare it to losing grandparents. Still, clearly lots of people lose their parents young. It is so unfair. I miss them both but was much closer to my mum who died quite suddenly whereas my dad had cancer, and I miss my mum terribly. What upsets me most is that she was so excited to become a grandmother and barely got to be one. I feel very bitter about it and it stops me feeling sympathy about other things. Like DP's mum recently found to have eye problems. He says how sad it is...I don't think so in comparison. Not a good way to think though. Hope that changes with time.

Wishing the best to all other posters missing their parents.

[VulcanWoman]

I just try to remember the good times and be thankful for them I agree, because some people aren't so fortunate.

I find it strange when I see older people with their parents, silly I know, strange probably isn't the right word really, but it just doesn't compute with me.

[absolutelynotfabulous]

Dad died when I was 29; Mam when I was 43. I'm actually sadder that dd will never know grandparents. From my own point of view, I'm sad, but I have some great memories of them. Christmas is difficult as we used to have some great laughs then.

Hard as it is, I just try to remember the good times and be thankful for them. I don't mean that to sound trite, by the way, just my way of dealing with things.

[Rowgtfc72]

Mum died when I was 26. Dad died eighteen months ago.
I find it hard as I'm an older mum and the other mums at school are just starting to lose grandparents, they still have their mums and dads.
I am now the head of my family ,as my brother is younger, which I find odd. It should be my dad.

[SirVixofVixHall]

I lost my Dad three yeasr ago. My Mum is still here, but she has increasing dementia and has had to go into a care home. So the family home has gone, and my Mum is disappearing in increments. She is extremely frail and I don't think she will be here next Christmas. It is tough losing a family base, I have boxex of things to sort out that I can't face going through. I miss my Dad very much, and I miss the motherliness of my Mum. I mother her now, rather than her mothering me.

[VulcanWoman]

Sorry for your loss.
My dad died many years ago, a week before my son was born.
My mum has dementia, I think they'll be 3 stages to my grief, I've been through the first two, the first one was my mums illness, the second when I had to clear out my parents house, the third one is to come, unfortunately part of that will be relief.

[Goingtobeawesome]

It is, ssd. I think various people ---- think you can't miss what you've never had..

I bake with my kids. Never had that.
My kids had birthday parties and cakes I'd made. One party, bought cake.
I've been too ten years worth of school stuff X 3 at times. I never had a single person come and watch me.

All seems small and irrelevant but it's just an easy way of saying what you've missed. I've never had my parents tell me they love me. No wonder I'm needy and insecure .

pud1. I'm so sorry .

[EBearhug]

3 years is nothing!

I don't think it ever goes away, (nor would I entirely want it to, ) but life does take on a new shape. You do cross a line which others don't really get till they also have.

Today would have been Mum's birthday.

[ssd]

thanks cain, I do agree time is the only healer here, but like you said, people expect you to be "fine" in a matter of weeks and still feeling lost at times 3 years later, somehow feels almost embarrassing and something to be hidden, which I do. No one wants to hear you are still hurting.

pud1, my god that is hard, I'm so sorry!

[pud1]

i have lost both my parents this year. mum on 21st april and dad on 21st oct exactly 6 months apart. they were both 59. i am struggling to come to terms with it. i am just trying to plod along.