Tips for dealing with the last months of mum's life

[Oly4]

My beloved mother is dying of cancer and I don't think she has many months left.
Have any of you who have been here before me got any tips on dealing with this? Is there anything you did that gives you comfort now your loved one has passed/ is there anything you said to the dying person that brought comfort?
I live at the other end of the UK to mY mother but visit all the time/take my DCs with me. We haven't talked much about death and dying. I'm just there for the mundane stuff like chatting, watching TV, helping where I can.
A friend of my be suggested recording mum talking about her life but I'm finding it hard to bring it up as its like saying - "look we both know you're going to die soon so can I record you so we have some memories?"
All suggestions gratefully received, thanks

So sorry to read all these posts. I lost both parents last yr. mum to cancer. Her wish was to remain at home of possible. Unfortunately it was a very quick decline and took us all including doctors by surprise. But thank god for the local hospiscare team. They were wonderful and dealt with all the practicalities like getting the hospital bed in, various aids to help mum. One lifeline they recommended was using a care company - Corinium care. We were able to get a live in carer ( we lived far away) who was the nicest person ever ! As it turned out due to the rapid decline we were there also but the carer took the pressure off us and allowed us to spend the time we had left with mum. It was only a week but she did the shopping, cooking , personal hygiene etc . I know mum would have found it very undignified if we had had to do the last bit! We were very lucky to have been able afford it just for the week. I remember first contacting the hospiscare and worrying about the future - how would we cope when mum got really ill . But hospiscare do all the arrangements for you - it all slotted in at the right time- so advice is just to makes hat contact. The other thing I felt guilty after for not openly talking to mum about death. But I know now she wouldn't have wanted me to do that and wanted normality as much as possible . She talked to Hosoiscare privately I think about pain relief and the end. I guess everyone is different . I think you will know what feels right for you and most importantly your mum. In the last week my children came too - despite my brother not wanting this to happen ! I'm so glad i did . I will never forget my mums big smile when she saw them! We spent some time again doing normal things - showing her their school books and funny drawings - she loved it and I guess it distracted her for a while . The other small thing was I would ask her what she fancied to eat and always tried to cook whatever she fancied. It's the little things that matter when your so poorly . I send you a hug x

Thank you. We're having a tough week. Mum can't leave bed at the mo and has been sick. I am just trying to be here as much as possible though have to go home next week for work. I hate leaving her and my dad. Mum just wants my dad to care for her though we may need extra help soon too. It's awful watching someone you love so much suffer. Thanks so much for your stories. They help a lot. I wish I could just be here all the time but two very young DCs and a husband who needs to be back at work means it's impossible. All I can do is come here as often as possible. Will I feel guilty after her death for not being her main carer?

I'm sorry you're all going through this. It sounds like you and your Dad need some additional support and help. Have you contacted local hospiscare or Macmillan - the doctors shld be able to refer you. They can very often bring equipment to your house to make life easier - hospital bed which has electric recline make it easier so you don't have to struggle to lift mum up in bed etc and those commodes. They usually are able to offer a nurse or career which will help you - come in to wash mum or give main carer a break. You and Dad would need it as it can be emotionally and physically exhausting. The other thing us to contact the Corinuim care company - based in Bristol they have a bank of trained carers - many are ex nurses and many trained in palliative care . They cover all the country and services they offer range from live in carer or carer than can maybe just do a few hrs. I can't recommend them enough. My mum was very private and never really liked carers coming into house to shower and dress my Dad. Unfortunately we were like you - not local and young children and jobs etc so we did what we could but inevitable we needed cover for a week. Once mum met the carer it was fine - they got on and doge was such a nice and understanding person - done lots of palliative care so well experienced. I would say sounds like you need to be thinking of extra help - you cant do it all yourselves and its a great reliefs to know you're not shouldering it all on your own . Your mum will understand you cant do everything. Otherwise you will all be exhausted. The time you spend with her should be sitting and talking, or just holding her hand. My mum went down hill so quickly but i do have a regret of not getting there sooner. I didn't realise how little time we had and delayed by 2 days because of some stupid course at work I felt pressurised. I can only blame myself for that and not having the balls to say actually I'm going now. I cant change that now unfortunately. It was hard with 2 kids in school. I'm glad we got in the career and she was the main carer . Yes I helped when I was there - but some things I'm glad I didn't have to do for both my mums and my sake. Sorry this is so long but hope it helps. You will be a lot stronger than you think. Wishing you well x

Thank you, that helps a lot xxxx

My advice would be to not hold back if you feel like crying in front of her. When my mum was dying of cancer, we were all very 'cheerful' and 'happy' around her, so as not to upset her even more. One day, when I was looking after her on my own, I broke down, real big sobbing. My mum started crying too, and when I apologised for upsetting her, she confessed that she was actually quite pleased I was crying, cos in her mind she thought that none of us were upset she was dying, cos we all seemed so happy!

We had carers but the end of life care was done by the NHS and was fantastic. We got there for the end.

As long as your DM knows you love her and you have done what you can, which it sounds you have more than achieved, you should now just accept. Don't beat yourself up. Won't help you, her, or your family.

Thank you everyone. I just feel very torn because I have two children aged under 3 who need me and I wish I could just be there, caring for my mum. Visiting and helping out when I'm there doesn't seem enough. She doesn't expect more but I wish I could do more (and didn't live so far away). I am heartbroken to think she may die soon, I feel cheated of another 10 years with her (she is not that old) and yet also grateful for the years and lovely holidays we've had. She knows I love her and I have cried a few times in front of her. Sometimes you just break down. Thank you, it helps to hear the experiences of peope who have been through something similar

Oly

Lots of good advice here. When my mum was ill the best advice I got was to make sure I had no regrets. After she died it really helped me to know I'd done everything I could and said everything I needed to.

For me the most important thing was putting my mum on the driving seat of her illness and giving her as many choices as possible. Cancer can be a terrible disease and I found that people sometimes saw the disease before the person. My job was to help my mum do what was right for her.

The best thing I did was to take a leave of absence from work and be there to look after her and keep her at home. Macmillan, the district nurses and the Red Cross all gave fantastic practical, emotional and medical support. Do speak to them if you haven't already.

My mum's cancer was terrible. She was 57 when she died. Six weeks after being diagnosed with lung cancer. But she died at home with the people she loved around her being cared for by someone she knew, loved and trusted. I can't tell you how much that has helped me.

Oly cross post with your last message.

Please don't feel guilty - you have a young family who also need you and I can't imagine how hard it must be (I don't have DCs which made my decisions different). It sounds like you and your mum are very close and you are giving her all the love and support she needs. That's pretty special in my book.

Tell her little things, by phone when you can't visit.

By grace, I was unexpectedly able yo gave 40 mins with my DM before her diagnosis and final week. I told her I loved the names she had chosen for me. It made her day.

Take photos. Yes even as she gets more poorly. We have a lovely photo of the last time the kids saw mum in hospital. Even though she's obviously Ill she's still their grandma and they are happy to be with her (we had talked about quality of life with the docs and she still had some - hearing about the kids plans and being so happy about eldests news about being accepted fir her phd studies). We had it printed in Asda and put in a frame and brought straight back to her ( and a copy to dad in his respite home). She loved it.

Thank you. I've been putting off taking photos in case they really
Upset me afterwards. But your right that it will be nice to remember us having nice times even when she was ill

oly4 ive taken a few pics with Mum and dad some of them they are both bald (when they both had chemo in 2012 and they are still pics of them.Good advice from someone upthread about crying in front of our relatives...we never have as Dad is a stiff upper lip type of man and i do wonder if he thinks it is odd with all the bad news this yr that we are discussing funeral wishes and end of life and still being upbeat.
It sounds like you are doing a great job oly4 so dont feel guilty (i do when im working tbh).

Thank you, I'm back at work now too - so many things to juggle! Will try and see mum as much as I can. All of your tips are wonderful. Pls keep them coming if you have any more xx

I am going through this at the moment. Like you, I do wish I could do more caring for my mum but I know she takes a lot of comfort that my dsis and I have full family lives with DC etc.

It's so hard isn't it? You feel so torn. I really
Hope I'm there in the final days. All you could ever want from life at the end is to be with your loved ones, right?

It is so hard. Thanks to this thread I told my mum today that I was "a lot more ready" for her to go than I was and that I will be ok. She said she was happy to hear that. So thank you. I think she's ready to go. I will never be ready but I feel less of a mess than six months ago (my DC was months old and I was existing on very very little sleep.)

She has told me time and again that it's ok if I'm not there at the end. She missed her mum's death so I think she's been trying to prepare me.

My mum died on 14 March this year, the day before Mother's Day. She had been ill for some weeks and had a couple of hospital admissions and was discharged and told she had a urine infection. She had a stoma but the hospital insisted it was not blocked. She lost 4 stones in 3 months but still no one listened. She wasn't in pain but kept vomiting. I brought her to stay with me in the belief that I could make her better. She came to my house on the Friday and was vomiting none stop by the Sunday so I called an ambulance. So glad she was at my house and seen at a different hospital. They detected a small bowel blockage, operated and found she was also riddled with cancer. I'm so lost and so angry. As she went to surgery she told me she was dying. We kissed and hugged as though saying goodbye but I was sure she'd come back. At that point the cancer wasn't detected but we were told she was extremely ill. She survived the operation but was being kept going with machines and drugs. At times she opened her eyes as drugs were reduced but couldn't speak. I asked her to blink if she understood me and she could but these moments were rare. 'We agreed to stop treatment and my sister was brave enough to ask her to blink if she was ready to go - she blinked. When the treatment was withdrawn i sat with her with my daughter. I held her hand, I kissed her, I thanked her for being the best mother in the world and she died within the hour. I'm devastated. I wanted more time. I'm getting on with my life with my family but i feel her absence in everything I do. I spoke to her daily and conservations with friends were peppered with "as my mum would say". I have no faith/religion. I believe she's dead and that's the end. She's gone. I can think of her and laugh or smile also. She was kind, funny, complex, loyal. I loved her and I now appreciate how unconditionally she loved me.

Do whatever you feel is right for you Dundermiffed. My sisters who loved my mum as much as I did, chose not to be with her in the end. It will be hard. I realise I'm surrounded by people who have lost parents and have survived. I will and you will too. My thoughts are with you and your family.

Not vacant,

Notvacant, I'm so sorry you lost your mum so rapidly. I'm so, so sorry. The one blessed thing with my mum is that at least we've had chance to get our head round the diagnosis. You did a wonderful thing looking after your mum and being there at the end - I only hope I can be there when my mum goes.
Dunder, we sound very similar with very young children to care for too. I think what you said to your mum was wonderful. I will say something similar to my mum. I wish I didn't live so far away. We visit often but it never seems enough x

I've just been through this. I live in England and my dad was in Scotland. I gave up work and lived up here with my son. My father wanted to die at home but unfortunately he had to go into hospital 2 weeks before his death and I have to come to terms with that. I could not have coped even with nursing care here. In the event he went to a small cottage hospital about 2 minutes down the road. We went in every evening and spent a few hours quietly. Try to find out what she wants for the funeral because it makes it a bit easier. The planning for that has been exhausting nevertheless. don't beat yourself up- you sound very caring, Dx

I feel like I should give up work and move on with mum. But the kids being there too is too much for everyone, including my dad who just wants to quietly get on with it. I've also been on extended mat leave and I simply can't leave it too much longer to go back. So I'll work and visit my parents every weekend if I need to. It is hard though - you feel like you should just be there. I'm so sorry you've all gone through this.
Derxa, I'm sure your dad loved you being there every evening and in the end you were there, that's all that truly matters in the final days xxx

So sorry Oly4

My mum died 145 days ago, and although we all knew it was coming, it hit like a thunder clap, so go with it when it comes, no matter how hard it feels.
Like you, we lived far apart (200 miles), but we spoke loads on the 'phone, and I visited every weekend towards the end. My mum was open about her end of life, and we spoke loads about after it came. That sort of helped us.Things like how she would be remembered by me, certain things she would like me to do and people she wanted me to keep in touch with.

it's different for everyone. Losing a loved one has no manual. I send you much strength and love.

Oly Just carry on doing as you are. My circumstances were different in that I didn't have young children. You are doing your best but your duty is to your children first and to yourself. If you are exhausted you're no use to anyone