Mums dying of lung cancer and I'm so angry at her.

[Millie3030]

I needed to vent somewhere and I can't in RL. I have to be all positive and smiley and inside I feel like I'm going to explode.

My mum was diagnosed in May with small cell lung cancer that has spread and there is nothing they can do. I am angry at her, so angry and it's not getting better the more time goes on the more I feel myself pulling away from her, preparing myself that she won't be here for long.

When I used to beg her to give up when I was young her and dad would smoke away in the car without even opening a window, it was horrid and I stank of smoke for years until I moved out, she would always tell me to "shut, stop going on, you've gotta die of something" but now it's happening she won't even entertain any other conversation unless it's about how she is feeling, her treatment, her appointments, symptoms etc.

My sister got a promotion the other day and when we all met up for breakfast I had got her a congratulations card and was asking her all about it my mum wouldn't even the acknowledge ethe conversation with eye contact, did not say one word for about 30minutes. But as soon as I asked her about what appointment she has coming up then she has loads to say! I want to scream at her "We get it mum you have cancer, it's all we have talked about for 6 months, you're dying, you got it from smoking, something you would never even entertain giving up, this is your fault, now you are going to leave me with my one year old and not be around, have you asked how we are doing, do you even bloody care??!

Has anyone actually felt angry and annoyed at someone with cancer? Or am I the most horrible person in the world?

Oh Millie I totally empathise with you and yes anger is normal and even healthy, well done for venting on here. My mum is struggling with rheumatoid arthritis and the whole world revolves around her even though my dad has health issues.

I'm sorry you're going through this, I lost my mum to cancer last year (although not smoking related).

I think whatever the situation/ cause having your mum be terminally ill is bound to stir up lots of really strong emotions, including anger- whether that's specifically at your mum or just the situation generally.

Take care of yourself and make sure you have people around you to share your feelings with, the Macmillan helpline is also a sympathetic ear for relatives if you wanted someone else to talk things through with.

tinklylittlelaugh you are spot on with that comment that a life limiting illness does not make a selfless inspirational hero. It's not like the films is it? Where it's all bucket lists and hugs, sometimes it's just weeks of hospital visits, sick buckets and wheelchairs and desperately trying to fill awkward silences and hold back angry tears.

pedantmarina exactly right, that moment of clarity, thats it. I just wish she would say to me "This is awful for all of us, I wish I hadn't smoked, I'm sorry I was selfish, I'm sorry I won't be with you to help you raise your son, but I love you, let's make the most of the last few months." This is something my mum would never say, she would never say "all of us" would never say sorry and would never say I love you. It's just not how she is.

archfarchnad that is a good point about being different to our own children, saying sorry i messed up on that one, you were right, I was wrong. I am going to try and do that so much more with my little guy.

The weird thing about someone facing the end when it's near and they are in denial, is it's like the pink elephant in the room that no one mentions, we talk about how mum is feeling, her appetite, her weightless, her hairloss, her sleep patterns, etc etc but we never mention the end point, what will happen after, what plans we should make. I know it's completely her right to not talk about it if she wishes, but my sister and dad are slightly in denial too and think she could possibly have a few years left. Even though they were in the meeting with the oncologist, I suppose they are more optimistic. I don't think they are pulling away like me.

Dontdrinkandfacebook - there really is no reason to have a go at me. I'm not smoking at all, let alone around you.

It's not helpful to the OP, or reasonable when the topic is someone who is dying, to fill up the thread with vicious rants about smokers.

I also know what it's like to grow up in a home with a smoking parent - I swear my Mum's smoke used to head directly for us children, you could see the trail across the room. We used to complain, a lot. Doesn't make me feel like getting angry on this thread though - it's not about me, or you. And criticism doesn't help smokers to give up.

You are not the most horrible person in the world and I am sorry you are going to lose your mum.

My granddad is dead because he smoked. My Nana is dead because my granddad smoked. Of lung cancer, GirlWithTheLionHeart five - six years after having a breast removed due to cancer. My mother didn't love me enough to give up smoking and I expect she still smokes like a chimney. Haven't seen her for more than half my life and never will again.

I have asthma because of my grandma smoking. She is dead too now. Possibly due to smoking.

Smoking is a choice and we all know it may kill you so it is natural to feel angry.

My DH granddad died less than a year after giving up and the doctor said it was the stress of giving up.

I would be so disappointed if my children smoked and will bribe them not too.

Well done edamsavestheday. It is the best gift you have given to yourself and those you live with to give up smoking.

I think its ok to feel angry about smokers not giving up when they knew it was a seriously life-limiting habit - I think that became common knowledge in the 70s?? - but ultimately you have to let it go.

Op is angry because her mum is self pitying and selfish. That is quite understandable too. But she is probably terrified and obsessed. Honestly op, at some point you will need to forgive her (I know you know this ).

When my dad died of lung cancer (at 81 - so not horribly young) he basically put his hands up and said mea culpa about his smoking. I imagine he sometimes felt secretly lucky that he got away with it for so long.

He had 5 children, two of whom never smoked, me who smoked for many years but gave up before he got cancer, my db who gave up when dad got cancer and my dsis who for unfathomable reasons is still smoking.

I get it op. My dad died at the age of 54, when I was 18 and I had younger siblings as well. He smoked and drank to the end though they had clearky contributed to his ill health, heart attacks, lung disease, thrombosis, gout... I didn't feel angry at him but frustrated and abandoned. I did not understand why the smoking anf drinking where more important than staying with his family.

22 years later I am just very sad that he could not be around to meet my dh and my children. I still love and miss him because despite his many failings he was a good dad. he loved us but he was flawed. He had an addiction to alcohol and cigarettes and it was a disease that killed him.

I still have my mum but I think I am more angry with her than I ever was at dad because she tried to kill herself when I was a teenager. She was ill as well of course. she still is and I still struggle with anger and hurt in my relationship with her but I try to overcome it. that is all we can ever do - acknowledge our feelings be honest with ourselves and try our best. I think we are also harder on our parents when they fail us because no matter how old we are we are always reduced to being children when our parents are around. So we feel more let down by them.

Now I am a parent I think I get even more judgemental of my mum and dad's failings despite having plenty of my own.

I hope you can get some peace and resolution op, you are not a bad person for feeling the way you do.

Thanks ladies, you are all so supportive. So many of you have been in the same situation and have lost so many people, we are not alone and hat makes me feel better. I know this time next year I will be posting on the threads for people that have lost their parents, and the one about losing your mum, as you are all so supportive.

I am managing to keep it all in, I know I would regret it if I snapped at her. This isn't something she would have wanted, and if she knew then what she knows now she would definitely not smoked. She has always wanted grandchildren and within the first year of her first grandchild she is given her diagnosis, it seems so unfair. MIL also smokes like a trooper and is 65, I'm jealous that she gets to make it to 65 and my mum only to 59. Maybe 60, if we are lucky.

The only silver lining with cancer is you can kind of prepare yourself for when that day comes, I remember my nan dying suddenly and the shock was very hard to deal with. Where as I know I am preparing myself, making myself have to cope with the fact that I'm losing my mum. Just typing that makes me feel sick. But I need to accept it, but god it's hard.

Sorry I didn't see this before, my Mother died of a treatable disease but refused treatment as she was scared if the potential complications.

I was and remain angry with her. That's her fear of the potential led to the inevitable happening, she stopped being able to do "normal" things - shopping trips, visits, grandchild babysitting, wedding dress shopping years before she died too.

I look and my friends with their mum's sometimes and get huge stabby feelings of jealousy that my Mum apparently didn't love my siblings and I enough to even try to stay alive to do all these things with us.

We have our dad and he is fab but solo babysitting of small people or wedding dress shopping are way out of his comfort zone. However if you want your car fixed it is a whole other story.....

Of course you are angry. And scared. I was never angry at dad when he was ill - the man was a saint, never complained or whined, but was raging when mum died (unexpectedly). She basically gave up on life after dad died, wouldn't look after her health, made silly decisions et.

Millie, thank you. My family all smoked. I smoke. I hate it but find it so hard to give up. My dc tell me to stop. You are so right to be angry and I so need to fucking stop. You have given me some food for thought here - and I WILL make it my new year resolution this year.

I completely get where you are coming from OP. It's the thing that upsets me most about DH smoking. He never does it at home or with me or Dc but I know he does at work. It bothers me a lot that I know that if he became ill with something that may (or may not) be related to the smoking, I would be furious with him. I love him, if the worst happens I want to be there for him but I know I will be really angry and possibly not very nice to him when it really matters.

Realise this is quite an old thread but I have the same feelings of anger after visiting my Mum. She has been battling cancer for nearly 6 years and had so much chemo, stem cell transplant and other treatments. She is now nearing the end, probably weeks but if she gets an infection that could be it. As far as I know this cancer is not closely linked to smoking but I doubt if it helps! She just turned 70 and has smoked all her adult life. Not that heavy, maybe 10 a day, either outside or up the chimney rather than all over us so guess we were lucky! Because there were fags in the house I used to pinch them to smoke with friends at school. I started a 20 a day habit while a student but managed to quit after about 3 years so I understand that it is difficult, I have smoked again since then when under great stress and know it would be easy to slip back into the habit. Sheer bloody willpower makes me stop again before it's too late! However, she is now confined to her chair in the livingroom and is still smoking. The house stinks and she lights up when I am visiting and when my Dad is sitting in the room. This makes me really angry and I have to get out as I hate the smell, the blue air and the fact that she thinks it is ok for her to do this because she is dying, does she not feel slightly bad for possibly taking the rest of us with her? It is a pitiful sight to see her so frail and still puffing away and I have a horrible feeling that this image is going to stick with me when she is gone. I feel angry that at no point in the last 50 years she has had the willpower to give up. She feels angry that she has not really had a retirement and feels cheated. She's really sad that she's not going to see her grandchildren grow up but I keep thinking she didn't worry about that early enough. I stayed with them at the weekend but ended up having a fight about it as I couldn't stand the smell, immediately felt bad as she was in tears, I heard her saying sorry to my Dad about it but he just said if that's what you want to do and an hour later she told me I'd better go outside so she could have another one. I am worried she will burn the house down as she is getting pretty frail to be handling matches and cigarette butts. Like OP I am now feeling like the worst daughter in the world for having these thoughts. I get on fine speaking on the phone to her but think I do more harm than good by visiting!

My mother's death has brought me to my knees with grief and anger at her for smoking and dying of small cell lung cancer that metastasized. Seven months have passed and I am still not right. I, too pulled away from her, both because of anger and because I knew I was losing her. This upset my sister and she says I am suffering now because I was so distant from her in the months preceding death while she was going through all the chemotherapy. I feel like I cannot get back to normal . I am wondering how some of the others who have posted similarities are dealing with the loss now, after some more time has passed. I am bereft and feeling mostly because of the trauma of caring for her and wat hing her die over a period of 6 weeks. It traumatized me and I feel like I will never get over having to watch her die like this.

This post is so old this probably won’t be seen. I am very gratefully to the op and repliers for posting though. I am in this same position and the anger I feel towards my mum for her stupid selfish actions is insane. She fought hard for years for the “right” to smoke Ams nothing any of us said made a difference. We thought she had stopped smoking about 6 years ago when my son was born. A year ago we relocated to be nearer my parents after covid. Today I found out today that she is still smoking and my husband knew but didn’t say anything. I am raging at both of them for different reasons.
we are still going through the tests and prognosis stage but today I feel like she absolutely deserves what she’s going through and I don’t want to be near her for what she has done to the family.
i know I’m being a bitch, hence I can’t talk about this to anyone I know

My DM did the exact same. Smoked constantly. Windows shut. My little throat raw. Stinking. Eye streaming- i cant bear the thought of all that damage for my entire childhood! I cant believe that i wont get a cancer from it.

ive never touched a cigarette :(

shes got COPD now. Shell no doubt die early because of it. She can hardly breath now.
Still vapes all day long.
when i went to visit her recently- i left as she refused not to vape infront of my tiny DC "in her own house" ..?

I agree, there's no one who feels more angry at himself than my dad for how things have turned out , I don't need to be angry at him too, he's fed up enough. I'm not really sure the OP understands what addiction is, the whole point is you CAN'T stop.

No, addiction means it's very hard to stop. Not that it can't be done.

My mum beat alcohol 20 years ago. As a family we had lots of counselling. I understand addiction. It is absolutely possible to stop….

I completely understand. My mother is elderly and her health isn't great but it started as one thing several years ago and she realised that as a "patient" she got lots of attention. She adopted the role wholeheartedly and took to her bed. As a result she's almost completely off her feet, incontinent largely through laziness and isn't interested in anyone or anything unless it's about her and her health.

Life goes on, people achieve, have good news, but that all detracts from the attention she craves so nothing else matters.

You're not a bad person, or if you are, then so am I 🥴😋

Ask yourself if you are perfect in the eyes of an outsider? Yes it is heartbreaking for you to watch but your mum lived how she wanted to. Please don't be annoyed with her just love her and hug her she is your mumxx

My mum smoked for 50 years, even a heart attack at 60 didn't stop her. She subsequently was diagnosed with bladder cancer requiring lots of treatment and ultimately radical surgery. More recently she was diagnosed with copd and lung cancer, but died from sepsis less than 2 weeks after her first chemo.

I'm angry. I'm raging. We were brought up with almost nothing, but I can still picture the layers of smoke settling in the lounge as a kid while she smoked one after the other after tea. I once worked out that at todays prices she could have bought my average house FOR CASH with what she spent on fags over 50 years.

And if course now we're dealing with the aftermath of a very sudden and unexpected (as in she wasn't supposed to die from the chemo) death, selling the house and emptying a lifetime of acquired treasures from the house.

Upset, traumatised, sorrowful of course. But frustration and anger mostly.