do you ever stop feeling guilty? (death of baby)

[BettyFriedansLoveChild]

I've already got a thread going that deals with the specific issue of how to explain her sister's death to our toddler, and I've also had a look at the bereaved parents thread, but I just wanted to start a new one here to work through some of what happened in the lead-up to my baby's death last week.

Last Monday, at 35 weeks pregnant, I had mild to moderate pains in my abdomen and lower back from about 8am onwards. I thought that these were just possible Braxton Hicks / ligaments stretching / the body practicing for labour in some way, took paracetamol and got on with the day. By about 5pm the pains had got worse, so I thought that I would phone Triage just to be on the safe side. No-one answered the phone, so I took some more paracetamol and had a warm bath which didn't help, so I called Triage again; someone finally answered and I was advised to go in.

I was seen at about 7.15; the baby's heartbeat was monitored from around 7.30 onwards; they said that it didn't show any accelerations, which was cause for slight concern, but they didn't seem majorly worried and just said that I would have to stay in overnight for more monitoring. I sent my DP home to put our toddler to bed. Just after 8pm the doctor tried scanning me to work out where the baby's head was; as she was doing this the pains changed from manageable to horrific and I felt a kind of fever fall over me. The baby's heart plummeted and the doctor started shouting that I had to go to theatre straight away. I was raced down a corridor on the trolley to a theatre full of people masked up and waiting, I was given an GA, and that's all I remember. I came round a few hours later to be told that the baby was very ill, had been born without a heart-rate and only responded to resuscitation after 21 minutes. I was told that it was unlikely she would live, and if she did she would be severely brain damaged.

I understand that I had a severe placental abruption. I think that this must have been going on most of Monday while I was feeling pains. I feel as if I failed to care for my little girl by not going in to Triage immediately first thing in the morning. I keep thinking that if we had gone in earlier they might have been able to do the section earlier, and she might have been saved. I realise that this line of thinking is potentially toxic since there is nothing I can do to change things now, but how do you ever get past thinking that you might have been able to stop something like this happening, but failed to do so?

Hi betty well done on going back to work so soon - it was ages before I felt I could. Are work being understanding and kind to you? I can relate to the 'I felt fine this morning but now...' -I have it much less often these days, but the grief still just suddenly comes over me all over again. I try to remind myself each time that it will feel less overwhelming in a bit, and to just let it all out, like releasing steam from a pressure cooker.

With trying again, I think it's very common to desperately want to, but also to feel so very scared as well, and the choice of when to try often depends on which one is winning at the time! We waited to hear what the cons said at the appt for the pm results, which was 12wks after E died. He said there are different schools of thought on how long to wait, but his view was that it was useful to have had at least one period for dating purposes if you do conceive, especially as there aren't many signs that indicate in advance the potential for abruption, but it does occur more with small for dates babies so knowing an accurate date of conception is useful. Other than that in his opinion it's more about where you're at emotionally than anything else. I didn't have a section though, so that might make a difference. So anyway, we started trying straight away, as tbh I for one just couldn't bring myself to deliberately use contraception when the 'need' to be pg was so incredibly strong.

I got pg again very quickly, but unfortunately had an early mc. It wasn't thought to be related or to increase the risk of it going wrong again, just bad luck. I conceived again around 9 months after we lost E and I'm now about 20weeks, so far things look ok. But it is hard, I've never been one of those women to bloom during pg, and obviously the anxiety on top of feeling crap is not easy. I feel that I'm on alert all the time and monitoring movements and sensations - I'm hyper aware of every little thing. In some ways it's helpful that its taken a while to get here as I'm a little more resilient emotionally, and I need all of that I can get! We didn't go public til nearly 17weeks, and tbh I have found it much harder since then, I wish I could have hidden it for longer.

There is a thread over in the conception topic for those of us who've suffered a stillbirth or neonatal loss if you want to have a look. Although it's in conception, there are some on there who were ttc when I first lost E, who have recently had their rainbow babies, and there are others who are now nervously pg and others ttc or waiting to try - it's been a real support to me over the months, I think I would have felt much more alone with all this without it. Do come and join us if/when you want to: it's often quite low down the list, with angels and rainbows in the title.

Congratulations BlueSky on your pregnancy - that's very reassuring news. I'll have a look at the rainbow babies thread.

We had a meeting with our consultant today - they couldn't offer much new information about what actually happened, and it seems that our baby's death is always going to be a bit of a mystery. They were, however, very good at talking us through how a subsequent pregnancy would be handled, said that we could start ttc after a few months if we felt emotionally ready, and the consultant even gave me her personal mobile phone number in case I had any more questions.

We also collected her ashes this afternoon… carried them home in my backpack and felt that it was like a sad parody of carrying a baby in a sling.

Ah betty I feel for you so much my poor love. It's horrendous not knowing exactly what happened - and I know exactly what you mean about the sheer nightmarish irony of leaving the hospital with ashes, not a baby. The whole experience is like someone has played a horrible, horrible hoax on you.

My mum had a stillborn son when she was 36 weeks, nearly 40 years ago, and it's been helpful to talk to her (clearly losing your firstborn son is a messed up family tradition for us ). If you can find someone else who has been through this in real life, I'd definitely recommend it. My DH and I weren't ready to join a support group and be around people who were as sad as we were right afterwards - and this is still so fresh for you - but I've found a friend through the Glow in the Woods website recently, who I've met up with (I live abroad) and she's been a godsend. I think in the UK, SANDS forums might help with linking you to other bereaved mothers.

Sending you the tightest of hugs.