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Bereavement

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do we let our toddler view her baby sister's body?

37 replies

BettyFriedansLoveChild · 12/05/2014 15:19

We lost our second child after a placental abruption last week. She was born without a heartbeat, resuscitated, and spent three days in intensive care before the decision was made to withdraw care and let her die peacefully. Our toddlers is two years and two months, and seems to have forgotten that she was going to have a new sister - we have shown her a picture, but it doesn't seem to have registered. She does realise that mummy and daddy are very sad, and that I have recently come back from hospital. We are going to view our baby daughter's body once more before the funeral. Has anyone let a child of this age view the body of a sibling in order to say goodbye to them? I can't work out if this is a terrible idea or not.

OP posts:
Seatedhere · 13/05/2014 10:55

Oh Betty I am so sorry for the loss of your beloved wee daughter and all that you are going through.

thedaymylifestoodstill · 13/05/2014 11:08

Hi Betty

What you are going to do sounds beautiful for both your DD's and I am glad you have been able to think about it. I hope you are able to spend time with your daughter in the Chapel of Rest and if there's one thing I could say, take as long as you need with her.

I can imagine how shocking it all must have been for you and it will understandably take time for it to sink in. If you feel like speaking to other parents who have been bereaved there is a thread on here where you are welcome to join.

I remember the shock of it very well, even now I sometimes can't believe what actually happened. I think your body does this to help you deal day-to-day life in the meantime.

Be gentle with yourselves over the coming months and don't feel under any pressure to do anything you don't want to.

If you'd like to talk about anything else, we're here.

I'm sending you a hug xxxx

cowsarescary · 13/05/2014 11:24

I am so sorry. I had a placental abruption myself. I really do feel for you.

My gut instinct is to say 'no' to taking your little one to see her sister. This will be the last time you see her yourselves, and I just wonder if having the little one there means that you will be unable to really lose yourself in the moment and fix her in your memories, because your dd will be asking questions / perhaps scared / needing attention.

SantasLittleMonkeyButler · 13/05/2014 11:32

I have no advice to offer but I just wanted to say how sorry I am for your loss Flowers.

Your solution sounds lovely.

Please remember that in the days & months to come, MNers are always here for you if you need support or just to rant about the unfairness of it all in a way you can't do in RL.

Andcake · 13/05/2014 11:38

So sorry for your loss - have not been through this but have a toddler. I would say no - but save a photo to show her later if it comes up and talk to her about it. You need time to grieve yourselves as well some last quiet time with your litle baby.

Itsfab · 13/05/2014 12:44

Putting the same toy in the coffin with your baby daughter is a lovely idea. I am so sorry if that sounds crass. I had a thought along the same lines, could you put a photograph of your toddler in there too? Would it be possible to have a picture taken of your Baby DD without tubes so your older daughter could have that.

ShoeWhore · 13/05/2014 12:58

Betty I am so so sorry for your loss. Flowers

I think your idea of the small toy is really lovely. Would you like to give your elder daughter a little keepsake from the baby? I am sorry if that is an awful idea. I wondered about a handprint or similar. It might not mean much now but I am sure it would when she is older.

They have already been mentioned but it might be worth a chat with the charity Winston's Wish - they are wonderful and might have some ideas of things you can do now that will help you talk to your daughter about her sister later? The helpline number is 08452 03 04 05 and the website is here

Thinking of you.

DrankSangriaInThePark · 13/05/2014 13:01
Flowers

I think you have made the right decision. She wouldn't remember having seen the baby, probably, so there would be no real benefit to her as "closure" but it might upset her in some way.

She will know she had a baby sister because of what you will be able to tell her in future, not because of seeing her now.

CheeryName · 13/05/2014 13:01

I'm so sorry for your loss Betty. I have no advice or suggestions just wanted to offer my sympathies.

ThisFenceIsComfy · 13/05/2014 13:06

I'm sorry for your loss. You sound like a very brave person Thanks.

AChickenNamedDirk · 14/05/2014 19:29

I am so sorry for your loss.

Not quite the same but I was literally just 3 when my older sibling died I found the body in their bed. I can remember it very clearly and it was obvious to me at that age that they were dead (blue face and lips). It's not a great memory as it's my only memory of the sibling.

There is a big difference between three and two years two months but I wanted to give you another view.

puds11isNAUGHTYnotNAICE · 14/05/2014 19:32

I am so sorry for you loss Betty

If it was me personally deciding, I wouldn't take her as it may be traumatic, but only you know your DD and how she will react.

Can you take photographs incase she wants to see her later on in life?

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