Am I over reacting to this? I am devastated by it.

[Overreactingmuch]

My wonderful DH died last year after a battle with cancer. We didn't manage to have children but had the most wonderful, happy marriage.

I've recently found out my PIL held a church service in celebration of his life and have excluded me.

I was googling for inspiration for something and googled my DH's full name and up popped an entry in the announcement section of my PIL local paper which invited anyone who knew DH to come to a service to celebrate his life at their local church.

Last fucking year. I had no idea, and wasn't invited. I have written to them to tell them how upset I am - that they have demonstrably split me up from my husband, and to tell them I am unable to see them or speak with them as a result of it. Am I over reacting? Is it a normal thing to do and I can't see it? We had a wonderful funeral and celebration for him when he died, organised by me and including them.

Am I overreacting to be so hurt by this? I know that DH would have been raging - he most certainly would not have wanted me excluded.

I've name changed for this - it is too identifiable not to. Sorry.

I am sorry for your loss.

Wow. Just wow!! I am at a total loss to even try and fathom what they were thinking.

I also wonder what the people who attended it thought about the fact you were not there.

Did your MIL apologise or give you a reason over the phone when you brought it up?

Have you heard anything from them or had any kind of explanation since the letter you sent them?

Out sounds lime they speak with you frequently and see you as a part of their lives, so how to make sense of this? Is it about religion or travel time, or did some of those friends not travel to the funeral? Absolutely weird behaviour. I'm so sorry.

You could almost get your head around it if say you'd organised a non-religious service and his family are super-religious.

But you clearly had a priest at the funeral you organised so that blows that theory.

I am left with WTAF? And no, you're not overreacting.

But, grief does weird things to people. Try, if you can, to listen to their explanation. There might be some kind of odd sense to their actions.

You are not overreacting catcall.

I wonder if they've never truly accepted that he'd moved on from being a son to being a husband and you were the focus of his life rather than them?

That's one of the things that is bothering me most of all - what people thought. They must have thought that I didn't care enough about DH to go; that I couldn't be bothered. Or that there had been an almighty rift between us all. It must have looked awful. I can't get out of my head the picture of my DH looking down on the service and being devastated because he thought I didn't love him enough to go. In reality that's nonsense because he KNEW I would move heaven and earth to do anything for him - anything at all.

I have thought about phoning their vicar, but am aware that nothing I do can put this right. I can't tell everyone who went how wrong it was - I think they were his parents friends and maybe some of their children.

DH does have two sisters. I have heard from one who has apologised for what has happened, and said they all told their parents not to do it, and she made it very clear that the sisters didn't attend either. They did both know it was happening, and they ALL knew how upset I would be to be excluded. I have replied to her explaining why I am so upset, and that I was very sad it had happened because his parents and I should have been able to have a mutually happy relationship based on our love of their son and my DH. That was last week and I've not heard back.

The funeral where we cremated him was held in the village where we live, in the SW.

His mother did say she wanted to organise a service for DH in NWales which I wouldn't be invited to while we were organising the funeral. I clearly told her it would be inappropriate to do that. She even agreed not to do it. I cannot believe she has deceived me since then - and manipulated me too. And that she uses me as a sponge for her grief three times a fucking week.

It was on purpose, excluding me. It can't possibly have been anything else. They didn't tell me about it, didn't invite me, and published a notice in a paper which is only circulated about 250 miles away from where I live.

She hasn't apologised. She said on the phone that she had to do it to deal with her devastation.

Okay she is clearly bonkers and self deluded and doesn't actually care about your feelings at all

Why would she have told you in advance that they were planning to do it and not inviting you? That seems very strange and weren't you suspicious or upset at the time?

Anyway they seem most odd. I wouldn't take it out on the sisters - they have clearly been in a very hard position given it is their parents.

Try not to dwell on it OP, I know it is difficult because in your position your mind can't stop working going over and over it.
If the sisters didn't go it means that most of the people closest to him were absent. From the guests point of view it was difficult because I expect that they didn't realise that key people were missing until they had arrived.
Your DH would have thought it bonkers- just hold onto that thought. The service had nothing to do with him, it was exclusively about his mother. The sisters may not have stopped her but they showed their disapproval by staying away.
I would distance yourself, don't be the sponge any more. Just tell her firmly but politely, if she phones for support that you are disappointed that you couldn't help each other in your grief but her way is so alien to yours that you can't see much common ground.
Could you do something nice to eradicate the feelings that you have, plant a tree or do something similar in his name?

That's terrible.

I'm sorry.

I am trying to find words.

That is breathtakingly insensitive (and that's a polite way of putting it). Everyone deals with their grief differently but there is no need to be so self absorbed that you can't take on board other people's feelings too.

I suspect she wanted to be the centre of the grief rather than you having or sharing the stage iyswim. This was her as bereaved mother wanting the acknowledgement of losing her son.

Doesn't make it any more acceptable but that's my thought.

It is a horrible thing to have done and it cannot be undone :(

You aren't over reacting at all. I actually haven't got any words at all for this....

It's immensely insensitive and I am so sorry about your DH

I would be speaking to all the friends and letting them know what she did, just awful

I think Haunted might be right - in all the things in her post, actually.

I think everyone who posted here is correct. Tamer and haunted hit the nail on the head.

I don't know how you process this atrocious act but whatever you do don't be supporting that narcissistic woman anymore. As a mother who lost a child I understand her grief, however, the world doesn't revolve around one of us alone. Your grief is just as significant as hers yet she doesn't appear to be recognising that and caring for you and your loss like you are for her.

It sounds like the start of an unhealthy relationship based on a terrible loss that has the potential to impact you significantly. Care for yourself first.

There is absolutely no excuse for what she has done.

I think Tamer and Haunted have hit the nail on the head too.

It is all about her, isn't it.

She has a history of being self centred - to the cost of all those around her; and bizarrely counters it by being overly generous with many things. I honestly was stupid enough to believe her before the funeral when she said she wouldn't hold a second, private service for DH. I should have known better, I suppose.

I was furious and upset at the time, and made it very clear - but it was only days after DH had died, and I had had the most awful time caring for him at that point. I had no support from any medical people - in fact that's why there's an inquest into his death; because the non hospital medical people apparently didn't care for him as instructed by the hospital and so he apparently died sooner than he should have. I had a lot on my plate at that point, so possibly didn't reinforce what I said enough. My DParents have said that I couldn't possibly have been clearer though - apparently I was icy ragey, very controlled and utterly clear.

Moojito - especial thanks for posting in the capacity of a grieving parent. I am sorry you have lost a child. I understand grief, but have never had a child to lose, so was concerned I lacked insight into her feelings. Seems not.

I need to move on from it, but can't quite work out how at the moment. My entire life has changed - since DH died, I have had to move house, have had two of our four dogs PTS, had to sell the car and start a business to support myself. As well as preparing statements and talking to barristers and so on for the inquest. My life is utterly unrecognisable - and a link with DH's parents was a valuable and tangible proof that he once existed.

I can't possibly speak to them again - not after what they've done and that is making me very sad. We all loved DH, and it seems that even my link with his parents is broken. It's awful.

You can keep him alive in your heart and always post here to keep your memories of him alive. I am happy to hear from you and am sure others are too.

Hi Overreacting,

I am so sorry to hear about this event. My word what a horrible thing to do. I completely agree that it is all about her loss.

However you say that the loss of relationship with your husbands parents is making you sad and I wanted to say that maybe one day you can speak with them again.

Not now, but maybe in years to come?

I think his mother did a terrible thing but I wonder if she will come to regret it? Maybe she wanted to have the service for herself alone, and in doing so will learn that such a crass act has not brought her son back and has in fact alienated other value ale loved ones....

I would wait for the apology and then get on with being able to talk and remember him. How about his dad? And his sisters?

So sorry for your loss and all of the gret changes you are going through.

X