A thread for those who have lost a loved one a while ago and still struggling

[takingnoprisoners]

I had a realisation this morning that nothing will make up for or replace my dear Dad who died in 2012. He was the one person in my life who was always there for me no matter what, he believed in me and my worth and gave me validation that I now have to live without. As I began another year without him it hit me that there is no going back, we don't get second chances and I have to find a way of keeping going. So I went to the Drs and I am now taking anti depressants, I have had counselling with Cruse and it helped but it wasn't enough. I feel like sadness has become my default emotion and I am so tired all the time. The grief doesn't go does it?
So here is a place for sharing the difficult times and hopefully some ideas on how to get through it one day at a time.

Can I ask you all another question. How do you cope at difficult times in the workplace. I don't know if when I am more emotional than normal I tip over the edge more easily and if this is common or not. Any advice would be great.

Hello everybody, my dad died when I was 14 in 2007 suddenly from a heart attack. It was very hard at first as my granddad (I was extremely close to him) died two weeks later, so I never really grieved for my dad until about 6 months later.

Also as I was still at school and everybody would be talking about their dads' and your teachers would mention your parents all the time in class, I still get sadness knowing he was never be their to see me get married or meet my kids.

He was always the hands on dad, my mum worked full time so he was the one who played tennis with me, took me to my drama and swimming lessons. I have grown to accept it overtime, I never got counsolling but I talked a lot with my aunty and my mum. I also came very close to my uncles.

Sorry not much positive advise here, was still struggling to get my head around losing my Dad my rock after 2 years, then my husband was diagnosed with terminal cancer (previously told cured) since he passed I am completely numb about my Dad. Only have capacity for so much grief at once I think. I feel quite guilty about my Dad whom I adored, but I can honestly say the loss of my soulmate and father to our children is so much worse. Wish I was more understanding to my Mom at the time, but I couldn't have imagined her grief to be worse than my own. I suppose i am 'lucky' to have a kindered spirit in her, she doesn't put any pressure on me, but I am also envious that she got to see her children mature into adults with Dad, and share the joy of grandchildren with him. I remember the fear of walking around waiting to be picked off next by a hidden snipper, and stupidly started smoking again when Hubby was ill. Hate myself for doing it with 3 children to think of but right now it's a crutch. Diazepam for the waves of aniexty, less so than in the early days but am also wary of antidepressants inspite of the doctors pushing me at me reguarly. Grief I'm told by counsellors is not an illness but a process to be worked through, one hell of a tough road though. xx

The Path

I must walk this path that lies ahead of me.

Walk this path that life has mapped out for me.

The way is dark and rocky underfoot.

But walk it I will as best I can,

Till the way becomes clearer and easier to see.

Walk with me a while, down this path of pain.

Walk beside me, and help me should I stumble.

Be patient and walk at MY pace.

Stay with me even if I fall,

Your feet are surer than mine.

But never forget whose path it is.

The path is mine.

And I must walk it my own way,

In my own time.

And walk it, I must.

Wish I could take credit, but I stumbled on this poem whilst in the waiting room at my daughters counselling and it spoke volumes to me so thought I'd share. X

Perfect poem. Sums all if is up and what we are going through.

Hi everyone. Not really sure what I'm expecting people to say. I just need to put my feelings somewhere. My ex-boyfriend died 8 years ago. I loved him but couldn't be with him, he had bad addiction problems so I ended the relationship. It was painful for us both. We stayed friends tho as he lived 100 miles away (where I was at uni) we never saw each other again. I hadn't spoken to him for quite a few years when a friend told me she'd heard he'd died of an alcoholism related illness. I don't speak to this friend anymore (for unrelated reasons) so I have no link to this part of my past anymore. It feels like a dream.

I am married with children now and very happy don't get me wrong. But I loved Matthew. He was so special to me and I'm still grieving.

I Googled him today. A tribute page on GoneTooSoon came up. From his girlfriend. No weirdness about feelings there (the last time I spoke to him was to wish him congratulations on his engagement to a different woman). I'm glad he had someone special who obviously adored him. Its just I know part of me will never get over him. And I can't talk about it openly after 8 years. I wouldn't change my life now. I just miss him. Still and always.

And I'm sorry that my issues are so insignificant to others of you who have lost parents and/or partners. I don't mean to offend anyone.

Geoffleopard - no ones problems are insignificant as they are each ours And therefore important to us as individuals. Loss is always significant and impacts in its own way. I was pleased to read your story and see the strength you showed in the decisions you made. They were obviously right for you at the time even though hard. Loving someone and losing them no matter whether you are with them or not will bring its own emotions and you will be on the same roller coaster so many others are. Give yourself space And time to remember all the reasons you loved him. Respect him for the person he was but also acknowledge he made his own choices in life which you couldn't control. Maybe take time for yourself to create either a ritual or activity that allows you to honour him, this may be a lighting of a candle, a walk in a park or whatever is significant to you. Share with your husband the fact that he has passed and you would like to do something to remember him. I appreciate it may not be what your husband wants to hear but it is good for him to know you are grieving for the loss of someone who was once significant to you.

Thanks mojito. Really appreciate your response. I've never grieved for him openly or officially I guess. I assumed I should be able to deal with it as we finished a long time ago and we had no mutual friends anymore so he was firmly in my past. But maybe I should do something to honour his memory.I still feel guilty for leaving him in the first place. I think he drank/did drugs to mask his sadness. But I have a strong feeling he would approve of me honouring his memory in some kind of way. Thanks again xxx