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Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

Original poster

Stillbirth

42 replies

Greenyellow · 21/01/2014 22:54

My little girl has just died, six weeks short of her due date. Her heart stopped beating and I had to be induced. We don't have any real answers yet.

With every minute that passes, I love her more and more, and yet she isn't with me, and never will be.

We left her in the hospital mortuary earlier today, after a blissful and painful 24 hours together. I'm home now and supposed to be caring for my toddler, but I just feel numb. I don't know how I will get through this. I long for the life I had just a few days ago, pregnant, excited and happy. Everything has changed in such a short space of time.

OP posts:
imip · 22/01/2014 18:38

I am very sorry...xxx I have also been in this position losing my first daughter 8 years ago. Grief is a terrible road to travel. I don't think you ever truly 'get over' it, you just learn to accept it.

I remember leaving my daughter just as you have done. She was my first child. I still remember her smell also. Cherish these memories, one day you will look back on them fondly.

I also visited the sands forum when I lost my daughter. I do believe it is different to how it was back then. Would you consider going to a sands group to meet other bereaved parents? This can be a great source of comfort.

I help facilitate sands meetings and those with children do often describe it as 'going through the motions' when you have surviving children. Take it easy on yourself, and do what you need to to get through each day.

You are in my thoughtsx

Dingleinthevillage · 22/01/2014 22:37

SANDS helped me a lot. I read every account of others who had lost babies and realised it was the start of a very long journey. Take it slowly, it's not a race to feel better, or even to 'feel'.
I wrote about my feelings on another thread recently but I'll repeat. It's like a knot. That knot will always be with you but as the time goes by the knot will get looser. It will always be there and will always be your knot. As time goes by you learn to love your knot, you can hide it, show it, decide who sees it...but it will always be there and that's special. The knot is your grief, not your child. Everyone is different.

Original poster
Greenyellow · 23/01/2014 08:09

Thank you again, it does give me hope for the future to hear other people living with this and being OK. It feels like a horribly long road, one I have had to take unexpectedly, but your words have given me a bit of hope

OP posts:
Lozcat86 · 23/01/2014 08:14

So so sorry green yellow. Thanks

sarahandduck · 23/01/2014 08:15

So sorry for your loss. Be gentle with yourself and take time to heal in your own way.

Sending love and strength to you all. X

Rosduk · 23/01/2014 09:21

So sorry about your loss.

My son died at an hour old just over a year ago. I remember the moment we said good bye and let him go forever. A year on, I still have good and bad days, I see his little face in other boys the same age, I wonder what he would look like and would do anything to cuddle and see him again.

The days have got easier, sometimes when i see a newborn my heart jumps, sometimes I cry- but things are slowly getting easier x

Dingleinthevillage · 23/01/2014 15:23

Want to scoop all you newly bereaved up and look after you! It's the milestones that 'get' you, things like first day at school photos in the local paper. My last one was my daughter's 21st. I guess the next one will be when she would have been 25 when I had my first baby. I don't suffer anymore though, just have a think x

bluebeanie · 24/01/2014 22:16

I'm very sorry for your loss

BIWI · 24/01/2014 22:20

Oh no! I'm so, so sorry to hear this. Flowers for you and your DH and DD.

Much love to you.

LilyTheSavage · 26/01/2014 08:31

Hi. I'm so very sorry for your loss. What did you name your DD? Would you like to tell us about her?
I had my DS2 for 21 years 5 months and 3 days and the grief and loss are just as hard to bear however long you have your precious babies. I am sending you hugs.
Be kind to yourself and just do as much as you can do.
XX

Original poster
Greenyellow · 26/01/2014 14:27

So sorry to hear so many sad stories. Thank you for sharing and thank you for your condolences.

It's been over a week now since we learned that our little girl's heart had stopped beating. The wee hours of last night were hellish, knowing it was around that time that we were delivered the worst news of our lives. I try and think back to everything that happened in the days leading up to her death and how I could have changed things. I feel responsible as she was my baby and it happened on my watch. The doctor assures me I could not have known or changed the outcome, but it still upsets me more than anything.

OP posts:
something2say · 26/01/2014 15:02

I think that is your mother instinct saying that. But I think it happened to you and her at the same time x

trulymadlydeeply · 26/01/2014 15:53

So very sorry to hear your news, Greenyellow. My thoughts are with you all.

Xxx

imip · 28/01/2014 16:51

green I think we always look for some 'reason', what we could have done differently. This really haunted me, and I just had to recognise that I really wanted my little girl, and nothing I did caused her to die.

It made subsequent pregnancies difficult for me as I was the only one who could say when something was wrong, and I hadn't with my first child (well, actually I did, but the GP - a locum - told me nothing was wrong and I was just being paranoid).

Take care of yourself xxx

Esther2012 · 11/02/2014 21:13

Green. I'm so sorry. Loosing a baby is so very very very rubbish.
I hope you and your husband are finding comfort in each other. You say you have a toddler. Hope you are able to find a small amount of escape if possible through them.
I can't tell you if it get easier as I'm still in the early months but you find a way to cope even if you are thinking of your little one many times a day.
Hope you are also finding an outlet for your anguish.
A few things that I do as a suggestion only is I started to blog my feelings (if its helps hannahgrace9nov)
I also visited my first SANDs group last week. Be prepared that it is hard but don't be discouraged just prepare yourself mentally. The people were lovely and friendly and the format of the evening was fine (in a pub) but it was still really hard work. Not sure I was ready yet to take on the sad stories of others. The hardest thing was trying to be carefully what you said because people's situations were so different; some had no kids, some had tried for a subsequent child but hadn't had any results, some had spent lots of money on ivf paying to get pregnant then lost the baby, others had had there babies born just before 24 weeks so they weren't entitled to birth certificates or any maternity leave (despite the fact babies have been know to live from that age). The words stillbirth and miscarriage just seem to mean a million different things and such a variety of different heartache.

Lottystar · 12/02/2014 23:11

Op, Esther let me just say I am so utterly sorry for your losses. Losing a child is beyond cruel. I send you both my sincere condolences and love.

Esther, I also popped over to your blog and I just wanted to say that I think you're an incredibly strong lady. Your story really touched me. I suffered a mc in October and I found that difficult enough, I can't even fathom the loss of a child near full term or beyond. I am now 8 weeks pregnant again and I pray this little one will be okay. It is hard not to be overly anxious. All the best to you and I hope your meetings with SANDS helps a little x

Mojito100 · 21/02/2014 13:06

My heart goes out to you and your loved ones at this senseless loss. We are all here to listen and support any way we can.

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