We lost a baby boy during labour. last year. We're having another boy (scan was today) - We're happy but I'm dreading the 'didn't you want a girl?' comments

[bubble99]

That's it, really. We have three, and should have had four lovely boys but my DS3's healthy, full-term twin brother died at 39 weeks during a horrribly f*d up labour last year.

We had a scan today (I'm 21 weeks Pg) and hadn't really wanted to know the sex of the baby - but it was fairly obvious! I'm dreading fielding the 'are you going to try again for a girl?' questions as I've been fielding the 'what are you having?' stuff already with....'Boy or girl, alive, I hope. Thankyou.'

I was struggling today during the scan as it reminded me so much of seeing both of my twin boys alive..

Thanks for listening.

[snowleopard]

This was in Edinburgh but it could be the same person I suppose! Her (somewhat unusual) name was Mardi.

[NotAnOtter]

no - she had been in leeds for years

[snowleopard]

Well - that makes two lovely midwives who are thrilled with their 4 boys and would never ask Bubble if she wanted a girl!

[3LB]

Oh bubble I know those green stickers well. I hope they are doing their job, and your hospital visits are going without too much anxiety or insensitivity. If you need to, always point them out to the hospital staff, you would be surprised how many do not notice them.

Do you have to tell people the sex? Why do people feel the need to comment when more often than not it is none of their business, and the comment is a stupid one? People I have known since ds1 was stillborn still counted my pg with dd as my second. I wish I had answered people back and let them know in no uncertain terms that their comments were thoughtless. I used to be much better at doing that just after ds1 died, when pg with ds2. I worked on the premise that if they were momentarily uncomfortable with the conversation, it was nothing compared to what I was going through (ds2 born 9m after ds1)

When I was pg with dd I found out she was a she, only for people to say "you can stop now...aren't you lucky one of each!" like it had anything to do with them. This was after telling me "you must want a girl" until I found out. I wonder what they can possibly come up with next time.

So sorry you are feeling this way, am sure it was lovely to see your ds5 on the screen. As if you are 21 weeks already! Time has flown, though probably not for you. Am thrilled to hear scan went well and baby is healthy. Take care xxx

[littlefrog]

Bubble, all good wishes for the rest of your pregnancy. Blu's comment about 'unwitting cruelty' struck such a chord with me; the lack of intention to hurt doesn't reduce the hurt you feel at all.
When people say awful things to me I never know how to react, as a really sharp answer to someone who is then honestly horrified by what they've said can just end up magnifying my own feelings of pain.
I'm not at all sure that this is an appropriate comment (please forgive if not), but we once knew a family who had had four children; their second daughter had been killed in a car accident at 19. The mother said that for a long time she would answer 'four' when asked how many children she had, and then had to suffer strangers' ill-expressed concern and comment. By the time we knew them she would say 'three' to anyone who didn't matter. She knew, absolutely and without question, that she would never ever forget her daughter, and that her daughter would not be helped by her suffering the repeated insensitivity of strangers.
Thinking of you.

[bubble99]

Thankyou for so many lovely thoughts and comments. Especially from those of you who have been through something similar.

And yes, munker, I think that T-shirt would be perfect!

XX

[desperatehousewife]

Dear Bubble,
You are so brave and clearly a very senstive wonderful mum. I know how hard it is to be back on the scanning table - it's excrutiating. Wishing you all the luck and love in the world - ignore the ignorant few - stay cool - how could they possibly understand and people say stupid things when they are uncomforatble/worried about saying the wrong thing.

DHW xxxxxx

[sugarfree]

Oh Bubble.Hugs mate.

[Marina]

I think whatever the gender news at a scan in these circs it's hard, bubble.
After losing Tom you would be amazed how many people (including several who knew all about him) were full of, "aww, one of each, a matching set" when dd was born. It took me a LONG time after our 20 week scan to accept that dd was going to be a girl. And it still feels like a knife in the heart when someone comments on how nice it is to have one of each. I love dd to bits of course.
So glad your pregnancy is progressing well. XXX
I hated every bloody moment of my third grind through the antenatal mill tbh.

[sweetkitty]

Many congratulations on finding out your having a DS bubble.

As you may remember one of my close friends lost her DD as a result of a huge hospital f* up not long after you lost your little one, she unfortunately has been told she cannot have anotehr baby naturally as she was sterilised during her botched c section then had it reversed, then had a cyst on her one good overy so IVF is the only way for her to have another baby now. She would love to have another baby too regardless of sex, life is so cruel sometimes.

It really gets to me people who find they have to comment on the gender of other peoples families. I have two DDs and am always getting asked when I am going to "try for a boy" to which I answer if I am blessed with another baby I couldn't care less what it has between it's legs!

Don't know what else to say to you really sending you some virtual hugs and best wishes for the rest of your pregnancy.

[Thomcat]

Ohhh Bubble

Well hopefully there won't be too many twats around saying stupid things like that mate.

I know when I had DD2 after having DD1 with special needs I had a few comments thta made me go 'whooooaaah there with your weird, too personal, non of your business, stupiud question'.

No real advice just love to you.

[bundle]

I've a friend whose son died at 3 weeks. she's just had another little boy (she already had a daughter), both very different and both beautiful. I'm so glad the scan went well, that little boy is very lucky to have you as a mum

[magnolia1]

{{{{{{Hugs}}}}}} to you bubble xxxx

I have 4 girls and expecting #5 of course everyone presumes I would be upset with ANOTHER girl!!! I am not bothered in the slightest what I have

I hope the rest of your pregnancy runs smoothly and Elijah will have a wonderful baby brother xxxx

[WellKnownMemorablePeachyClair]

Bubble, people who say that have issues thata re theirs alone, nothing to do with you. I get loads of them and for a while theya ctually had me convinced that i wanted a girl (I have three ds's) Actually though I don't, not really. I'm not bothered either way about a fourth, but it took a lot of soul searching to come to that point.

Watching ahoue full of boys (or perhaps girls, how would I know?) grow up together is lovely. they share toys, like similar things, and have (I think) a speical bond.

So when they ask you what you'tr having, either be flippant 'a kitten') or be straight ('a boy, aren't I lucky?') and wrong foot them.

Sorry it was hard today [sd] sending virtual

[nailpolish]

ah! here is your thread

congratulations (again) bubble!

my cousin has 4 boys and she is one of the happiest mothers i know. everyone loves going round her house.

keep well!

np xx

[nailpolish]

and for you at comments like "bet youre glad its not twins"

how stupid are some people? how dare they make assumptions?

grrr

[intergalacticwalrus]

Another boy!! That's great news.

I am pg with DS2 at the moment, and I get all the stupid comments about "oh, shame it's not a girl" etc, and they pee me off. I can't even begin to imagine how they make you feel. People can be bloody stupid sometimes.

Lucky boys for having you as their Mum.

[spacecadet]

some people, dont think before they open their traps.
when i lost my ds 16 years ago and found out i was expecting again, when i told people, i had comments along the lines of, oh, thats a shame, would have been nice to have had another boy! wtf??!!
congratulations on your little boy, its wonderful news

[spacecadet]

meant to put expecting dd

[niceglasses]

No advice, but you are very brave and know you'll cope. All the best with your lovely baby.

[hub2dee]

Wotcha bubb. XXXXXXXXX

Trying to think of something to write, I picked dd out of her highchair after she'd finished her dinner... held he up... and she vommed into my smiling, open mouth.

That is surely a sign from above that you will be blessed with a healthy pregnancy, a smooth birth and a beautiful boy. X

[Gingerbear]

bleurgh hub.....what had she eaten? Did it taste as good second time around?
See bubble - even Camille is rooting for you.

[eemie]

Bubble, I'm sad for you that the scan was such an ordeal. Mothers who haven't lost a baby seem to get such joy from the scans, and research shows it speeds up their bonding process. Bereaved mothers dread scans and are terrified of bonding. I used to throw up all day (sorry if tmi) from the strain. Regretted my inability to derive any comfort or joy from the scan experience.

You feel so disloyal to the baby who's on the way when you cry for the lost one...and so disloyal to the lost one when people talk as though he never was.

I hated being asked if dd was my first baby because it felt so awful to say yes, but most of the people who asked were not those I wanted to talk to about our loss.

But now dd is a healthy 7-year-old and though I will never have a happy pregnancy I have a very happy child. I hope you will too.

[thewomanwhothoughtshewasahat]

hello bubble I remember your postings very vividly. sorry today was difficult, I didn;t know you were pg and whatever the qs and other stuff you have to field, that's wonderful wonderful news. many congratulations