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Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

Original poster

What on earth can i say to remotely help?

48 replies

IamBlossom · 10/02/2006 13:28

i didn't want to post this in my ante-natal club thread as it just didn't seem the place. I found out yesterday that one of my friend, due her first baby next week, went into labour on Monday, and after 30 hours of complications and an emergency caesarean gave birth to a very brain damaged little boy, who survived one night in intensive care, then died.

She now has pnuemonia, but they took her off the ventilator this morning and seems to be getting stronger. She only found out about her baby yesterday as she had been sedated since it happened.

What on earth can I do? I am the last person on the planet she is going to want to see with my big baby bump and my blonde blue eyed toddler. All of her friends either have small children or are pregnant. It's so so so upsetting, i and my friends are absolutely devastated for her and her lovely DH, and I just want to wave a magic wand and make it all go away for her. These things happen to other people, not your friends!! Stupid I know but that's how I feel. They have changed their whole lives for this baby, the room is done, they have moved house, changed cars, left work as you do. And to go through the whole 9 months with a healthy pregnancy and to lose out so horrendously at the final hurdle, it just breaks my heart. How on earth do you ever get over something like this?

Anyway, if anyone has shared a similar horrific event, my heart goes out to you too, but if you can share any insight about what helped from your friends if anything, I would really like to hear from you.

xx

OP posts:
Original poster
IamBlossom · 13/02/2006 12:41

snowdrops are a great idea.

You are wonderful you lot. What did i do without Mumsnet for so long?

OP posts:
threelittlebabies · 13/02/2006 13:03

IamBlossom,

just a thought, maybe snowdrop bulbs in a bag, for her to plant herself? We have these on son's grave, and it's really nice when they start to come up every year any time between Dec and Feb. Maybe she could do something similar xx

expectingsummerihope · 13/02/2006 13:48

A colleague of mine and his partner lost their baby at 40 wks. It happened over a year ago but I am still in shock about it. They found SANDS very supportive. He avoided contact at first but she wanted to talk through her feelings. None of us knew what to say (very hard for me as I had a very healthy young baby)other than we're so sorry. Two of his friends were due babies at the same time so that changed the whole dynamic of the friendship. They are slowly getting through it (you don't get over things like that). I think you should contact your friend by phone and ask her if you can see her - that way she will let you know if she can cope with seeing you. I agree with the others - you sound like a very thoughtful friend. It must also be very upsetting for you as being heavily pregnant you are maybe worrying about your own pregnancy too.

threelittlebabies · 13/02/2006 14:12

IamBlossom- I have a friend who only recently, at 26 weeks pg, could bear to see my dd. Everyone is different, but your friend will let you know what she needs and can deal with, and will appreciate any effort you make.

Original poster
IamBlossom · 13/02/2006 14:45

expecting summer - I think it would have knocked me sideways whenever I heard it, but being pregnant has certainly added a dimenson to the emotion. I never really dwell on bad things, and even after a very difficult labour with DS I never once thought anything REALLY bad would ever happen, even when he got taken off to intensive care. i just calmly waited for him to come back, cos there was no WAY anything could possibly go wrong, not with my baby. Now I realise just how in the lap of the gods it is and I must say it has made me really think about my impending labour (got a few months yet though) Thanks for sharing your experience, I agree, I don't think you ever get over something like this, they will have to somehow assimilate it into their personalites and try and move on. Heartbreaking.

OP posts:
PeachyClair · 13/02/2006 14:57

She might actually like to spend time with you, some people need to feel that there is hope beyond what they are suffering. People react differently. A close friend of mine lost her baby through medical negligence just before ds1 was born, and she was so kind and helpful- really wanted to be part of everything I think.
Needed to see the other side before trying again too I guess.

'I love you and am so terrible sad that you and your dh have lost your precious baby. Please know I am here for you, day or night, at any time now or in the future'

is about all you can say.

Kitty4Paws · 13/02/2006 15:45

If you don't mind sharing the details with me e.g. weight,name, time of birth etc I'll do the sampler for you.

It would be a pleasure.

Kitty4Paws · 13/02/2006 15:45

If you don't mind sharing the details with me e.g. weight,name, time of birth etc I'll do the sampler for you.

It would be a pleasure.

Original poster
IamBlossom · 13/02/2006 18:46

wow. Are you serious? i don't know if I could accept such an offer.

OP posts:
MrsWood · 13/02/2006 21:11

I am so sad for your friend. I can only imagine what she must be going through. We lost 2 baby boys when I was 18 and 19 weeks pg and we were numb for months. We also had everything ready - baby room, equipment, accessories, clothes etc. It was gut wrenching time.
There is nothing much you can do, apart from being there when she needs you - especially if you're her best friend. I'm sure she'd like to see you, so you can have a cry and hug together - anything really that could make her feel even a little better is a positive sign. I was in hospital with both miscarriages and was devastated when everyone decided it was best to not see me (sister in law and one of closest friends were both pg during my first miscarriage). I almost felt as if I didn't matter to them or something. Got loads of sympathy cards, even from people I barely know, but there were no visitors. I now know what they were trying to avoid but at that time I felt like I'd lost everything - my baby, my friends' and my family support. I felt so lonely. My dh used to lie in bed crying and saying we wnated our boys back. it was terrible. I wouldn't wish it on anyone, but please do support your friend in every way possible - if she ever needed you as a friend, it's now.

Kitty4Paws · 13/02/2006 21:34

Iamblossom,

I am blessed to have 3ds and 1dd but I lost 3 babies to early miscarriage, I never knew if they were boys, girls, what weight they would have been etc. I could never make a sampler for them and feel that to the rest of the world they never even existed.

When a baby dies before, during or soon after birth some people feel the best way is to never refer to the baby, but every recognition I had for my babies made them REAL.

If a little bit of sewing can help to celebrate the birth of a much loved and deeply missed little boy it would be a privilege to be allowed to help.

Original poster
IamBlossom · 13/02/2006 22:18

Kitty I am really touched and for once don't know what to say.

I will endeavour to find out all the details to pass on to you - can we do that just between us as I am reluctant to pass on that kind of info on the WWW. Do you have an email address? I know the baby's name, and the day he was born, and I will try and find out weight and exact time, although it might be difficult as I don't want to press her DH for details at this precise moment.

I really can't tell you how much I appreciate your offer, and am delighted that I can potentially give them something that should represent so much to them even if I don't actually do it myself. It really is amazingly kind of you.

I am not her best friend, just one of a close cirle of girlfriends, and I think that I will wait in the wings for a bit and see what my other girlfriends who are a bit closer to her report back with once they have visited, and then arrange to go and see her after a few elapsed weeks.

Once again, so much thanks to you and to everyone who has contributed to this thread.

xx

OP posts:
threelittlebabies · 13/02/2006 22:56

Kitty,

just wanted to say what a lovely offer you have made, and a lovely thing that you can do in your babies' memories xxx

Kitty4Paws · 14/02/2006 11:19

My email is

Kitty 4 [email protected]

(Ignore the spaces aroung the 4, I can't seem to get MN to print the underscores correctly)

I'll wait untill you are ready with the details, as much as you feel you can get "easily" IYKWIM.

It is so,so sad that you are wondering how to get details , weight, time etc, that would have been announced to the whole world with such joy under happier circumstances.

I can also put on Mum and Dad's names if you would like.

spub · 14/02/2006 15:31

Kitty - you have just made the sort of kind and thoughtful offer that I think lies at the heart of why mumsnet can be such a fab place.
Good on you.
Iamblossom - you're also a wee sweetie. Hope you and your friend can navigate this awful time together.

Original poster
IamBlossom · 14/02/2006 15:34

Hi spub. Ure not supposed to read this stuff you're preggers. xx

OP posts:
expectingsummerihope · 22/02/2006 11:02

How is your friend Iamblossom?

Original poster
IamBlossom · 22/02/2006 18:59

Hi expecting. She is at home, and seems to be having good and bad days. Her DH has had to go back to work, but she has had visitors each day so far which i think is helping. I think she feels that the cards and flowers she is surrounded by ought to be congratulations ones and of course they are not they are in sympathy so that must be difficult but she is also aware that they represent a huge support network so that is helping I think. Also thank god for the invention of text - you can drop a line without expecting a response. They are awaiting some results of a postmortem and she has some pictures of her with her baby to take comfort in even though she wasn't conscious at the time.

So thanks for asking. I still haven't been able to get the details I want to be able to take up Kitty's amazing offer but I hope to soon.

OP posts:
Kitty4Paws · 23/02/2006 00:10

Glad to hear that your friend has lots of support, she will need you all so very much.

I can not even begin to imagine how hard it must be to lose your first born.

I have changed my e-mail

[email protected]

If it won't work please post here and I'll try another address.

expectingsummerihope · 23/02/2006 00:42

Glad to hear she is at home as hospitals are such unwelcoming places. Poor poor woman (and husband). I really feel for them. Hope you are not too stressed as you need to be resting in your condition

Original poster
IamBlossom · 23/02/2006 11:12

Kitty have emailed you.

Resting? That's a joke. Fulltime job selling software, off to London in the snow now, sigh.

love to everyone. xxxxxxxxxxxx

OP posts:
expectingsummerihope · 23/02/2006 11:46

I sympathise as worked til 38 wks but at least not in the snow - ds was a summer baby

expectingsummerihope · 10/03/2006 19:51

How is your friend doing?

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