What to do about DD and father-in-law's funeral

[marykat2004]

My father-in-law's funeral is Friday at 2:30 pm at a crematorium in a town 3 hours away from where we live. I have 3 choices, and am having a hard time deciding what to do. Sometimes there is some very good, level-headed advice on these boards so here goes....

1. take DD out of school for the day. I don't have issues with children at funerals. My first funeral was my own father's, when I was 35, and I feel that had I been less sheltered from death I might have found that easier. HOWEVER there will be no other children at FIL's funeral. DD's favourite cousin is not going (she lives in another town, halfway between London and where the funeral is. There is no option of sharing babysitting as the cousin is probably being looked after by her other MIL who is in a wheelchair). Taking DD out of school, no other children there, and DD is very high-maintenance, easily bored and still prone to whining and crying when she isn't having a great time. She is 7.

1. I am trying to find a babysitter but the only one we have is out of the country. Getting a babysitter through other mums at school would mean a total stranger who we've never met getting keys to our flat so she could bring DD back here. There is an after school playgroup (that DD hates) but that ends at 6 and DH and I will probably not be back until 9 pm.

1. I just don't go to my father-in-law's funeral. I have been with DH for 15 years. We saw FIL a couple of times a year, not super close, but not estranged or anything like that. I feel very sad about not being able to go, especially as I didn't see FIL over the summer at all (DH went on his own over the summer and to hospital when FIL took ill very suddenly 3 weeks ago). I guess the best thing for DD is that I just stay home but I feel sad about not going. Is that selfish?

Sorry this was a bit long..

thanks...

I see you've already made arrangements but I was going to say that I took my DS (6 then, just turned 7 now) to my father's funeral this summer and he is a kid who sometimes kicks up if bored, but as he loved his grandad he behaved beautifully.

it sounds like a way of controlling you OP and making sure you know who is in charge. I would not have given DS a choice about going to other family for babysitting, wel I would but the choice would have been - "well its this family and their DD or a total stranger".

I recently took DS (5) to a political rally at the otwn hall (education related) and although he moaned like a drain that it was going to be boring (and it was!) - I said "yes it is a bit boring but its the right thing to do and so we are going to do it". Next time he won't moan because he knows we;ll do it anyway.

The fact that you were even considering not going to your FIL's funeral because she might be a problem really would have shocked me in your shoes.

Did you just say that you don't meet up with some friends s because your 7 year old doesn't like their children?

NO WAY would I let my child dicatate as to who we spent time with regardless of whether she'd made up her mind RE not liking them. Who is the adult?

Making a rod for your own back here OP. How are things going to be in 5 years time? IMHO there should have been no question that your child just fits in with your plans - it seems you have spent an awful lot of time and energy running around making alternative plans and begging favours, just to save your 7 year old being a bit bored and moany.

Still ... up to you.

@seeker, this particular couple were not close friends, they were acquaintances we knew a bit through mutual friends, and then we started to meet up with this couple more because we had kids around the same time (ok, a year apart, but once they are 3 and 4 a year isn't a big deal, DD has friends of different ages). For no explicable reason, when we swapped some babysitting last Christmas DD got really stroppy and rude to the other girl. I still have not worked out what it was about but I have been too embarassed and even exhausted to attempt to meet up again with kids. I have seen the parents out and about, and not really talked about meeting up with the kids. These were not people we socialised with on their own before having kids. WE have some common interests, a friends in common, and it seemed to make sense since we had kids and a lot of our mutual friends didn't, that DH and I should meet up with this couple and theirDD. sorry this is long and complicated.

I do make DD do things she doesn't want to do. She goes to CofE school and has to sit through church about once a month, a little more often lately cos of FIL's being ill and DH and me feeling a need to go. We had to go to a local housing meeting last week, and DD took drawing things with her.

I know there are total other problems I need to look at, like the way DD seems to have a fit no matter what she is doing. Cries she is bored if she stays home but moans about not having enough time at home if we go out. She does often get really emotional really easily but I am reluctant to look for 'diagnosis' of some problem. School has not reported any behavioural problems there, so it must just be us.

We hadn't done any playdates yet this term which is why I felt hesitant to ask parents. But it's ok now, it's all sorted out.