What is the 'best' age to lose a child?

[bubble99]

There's a woman who I've known on 'speaking to each other at playgroup and getting on well' terms for the last seven years. Her DS1 is the same age as mine. She went on to have a DS2 and a DD. Last summer I met her, having not seen her for a while, and she was pregnant with twins. I was pregnant with my twins too, but five months behind her. We were laughing about the fact that she'd gone for baby number 4, to balance the family and ended up with 5 - and I'd gone for number 3 (odd number) and ended up with a nice even 4.

A couple of months after Bo died, I saw her from a distance around town with her twins. I avoided her as I couldn't face the inevitable conversation.

I saw her again on Sunday. She was out with her twins and was walking straight towards me. She saw Elijah in his pushchair and asked me where his twin was, did I have two boys? Or girls? Etc.
I told her what had happened and she started to cry. I wasn't too surprised, as she is a mum of twins and knows how special they are to each other. She then said that she'd lost her five year old DS2 in May. He'd gone to bed and not woken up in the morning. He'd died during the night from Myocarditis (infection of the heart) no signs or symptoms, apart from a nasty cold which she'd assumed was a normal winter to spring thing.

We had both been a bit 'oo-er!' about being pregnant with twins. The prospect is a bit scary, wonderful, but scary. And here we were, eight months later, both bereaved.

In some sad way I feel that our family has had the 'better' result. We lost a perfect little boy, not through natural causes, but due to under-staffing and the inevitable resulting fk up by the hospital. The needlessness of his death, and the anger we feel, will stay with us forever. But she lost a child who she knew, who she'd spent five years with. My eldest brother died aged 32. He was an RAF pilot and died during his last tour of duty in a plane crash in Cyprus. He would have then gone on to 'fly a bus' with BA. Another 'cutback' and another death. On board navigational controls were not working properly, he was flying at 1200 miles an hour and the piece of equipment which determines where the horizon is ie. sky or sea was not working, he and his navigator ended up dead in a plane 3 miles below the ocean bed. The ground crews to check planes were reduced by half and workload increased. I'm wandering a bit here but it is relevant. My parents lost a 'baby' they had known for 32 years. All those memories.

So, in a sad way, I suppose I should count myself 'lucky.'

I too think there is never a "good" time. A family friend of ours died when I was a teenager, she was 12 and was an only child, which made it particularly sad

This is such a sad thread

Don't think ANY age is ever 'best'.

One of my grandmother's friends was 95 when she lost her 75-year-old daughter.

She was so heartbroken, she sank into a grief from which she never recovered and was very happy to pass on.

I'v heard this said lots of times expat my uncle died at 38 from a heart attack 9 months after his dad died(his mum was already dead). we were all so releaved in a way that it happened in this order as it would have totally devestated my poor grandad and he was 76.

What Northerner said.
No sliding scale.

Poor woman, Bubble - and I wonder how she is feeling about your story, too.

Very very sad.

This is so sad
Bubble I ca understand your thought process about having less time with Bo therefore in some way it being easier than your friends situation but I still think it hurts just the same for anyone put in that situation, no matter how old the child is

I guess the feeling as a parent is that no parent should have to go through the death of their child - we feel that it is just wrong. But historically it was very much more common than now - and people just had to cope.

There is no better time - but I think personally I would cope better with losing a newborn than one I had lived with and got to know for years/months. But that does not take away the fact that you are both grieving and both coming to terms with not having what you thought you were going to have - your child with you.

The only consolation I can ever see in sudden death is that at least they did not have to suffer long term pain and fear. (That has always made me feel better about my dad dying of a heart attack at 43).

All you can do is take one day at a time and make the best of what you do have.