Am interested in your opinion .....

[Ghosty]

Hello ...
I just have a little question and I would like some opinions .... if that's ok.
It's about a friend of mine ... it's not a problem or anything but it's been on my mind for a bit.
Anyway ... she (friend) has a little boy who will be 3 next month. He is a bright little boy who is articulate and lovely. I think she is a good mum and although a fairly recent friend she is looking like she will be a long term friend.
What I was interested about was her approach to a couple of things regarding her son. Like I say he is nearly 3 and she has not even attempted to potty train him. When I asked about it she said she has no intention to do it until he is older. Now, I am a firm believer in NOT pushing potty training (my DS was 2 yrs and 10 months) but I know that I thought about it and planned it for months before ... I tried a couple of times to see if he was ready and when he wasn't I waited a bit longer. My friend hasn't even tried to see if her DS is ready.
A couple of other things ... he is still in a cot. And she has no intention of putting him in a bed. He also still has a sleeping bag so he can't really move around that much in his cot if he wakes up.
And although he hasn't had a daytime sleep in over 6 months she still makes him lie down in his sleeping bag and cot every day for 2 HOURS ... in the dark.
Before you get me wrong and think I am an interfering old bag I will explain that I would never tell a friend that I don't agree with what she is doing as a mum ... we are all different and have our own ways of parenting... but for some reason these few things that my friend does (or isn't doing) I just feel funny about. I feel that she is not letting her son grow up.
I don't know any other mum who is not at least thinking of potty training by this time and I certainly don't know of any nearly three year old still in a cot and sleeping bag.
What do mumsnetters think? Is my friend a control freak??

ghosty, I agree with you that a 2 hour rest in the afternoon seems worrying. Fine if it's seen as a quiet time with lights turned low and some toys in the cot to play with, as bloss describes. Also fine if the little boy takes a siesta because bedtime is very late in the evening, as GRMUM describes, but if it's neither of these things then yes, I'd be curious and worried.

That's the only thing about your friend that sends alarm bells ringing for me BTW.

FWIW I think you can and should chat to your friend about this nap routine and I think you can do this without offending her if you are careful. And you strike me as a sensitive person and someone who would not offend.

Going on my own experience, amongst my friends talking about sleep patterns and problems is not really taboo anyway - so many parents suffer because a baby or child doesn't sleep to the book. An unusual sleep patten - or rest pattern - is not really something that can be construed as bad parenting IMO. And to me a 2 hour rest period in a darkened room, when the child doesn't sleep, every day, is a bit unusual. So I think you are quite within limits to openly express surprise at this routine and ask more about it. It doesn't have to come across as a criticism of the mother.

If you can do this, it might give you more reason to worry, or it might make your friend more aware of the unusualness of her routine, but hopefully it will put your mind at rest.

Ghosty, It does seem quite late to me not to be even thinking about potty training, & fretting already having tried with dd last week (she is just 2) and had to abandon because she isn't quite there yet. The sleeping bag thing, not sure really, my dd who had a sleeping bag from about 4 months and decided (the little minx ) that she can take them off and so I bought her a little quilt instead, I think it also coincided with the recent hot weather and she might go back to one when it gets cooler, if not she can stick with her quilt. I used sleeping bags because I thought they were excellent for ensuring babies stayed at the right temperature, but at the age of 2 she is obviously well able to pull a quilt over her if she gets chilly.
The day time nap question is interesting, as I say, my dd is just 2 and now she rarely has a nap, but, I do insist that she sits quietly for at least an hour and let me get on with chores or whatever. I do think at the age of 3 to have to lie down in a dark room for 2 hours is quite strange, he is well old enough to sit and occupy himself with toys or a video surely.
Does he go to bed happily or does he cry, maybe you could arrange to be at your friend's house one day over this time to see what he does, if he isn't very happy then it sounds to me as if your friend just wants him "out of the way". I think it is extremely difficult when you have been used to having that time to yourself and suddenly they are up and about, but I have looked on it as a new chapter in their little lives and mine too!

Hi ghosty,

I don't think you confirmed whether he goes to nursery, playgroup et al. If so he will almost certainly come to potty training sooner rather than later by the example of others. As to the cot, even in a sleeping bag (assuming it is not pinned or similar) surely a 3 yr old could undo it and climb out if he was really unhappy. Provided he doesn't do this, or cry himself to sleep I guess he is ok. However I too would consider 2 hours in the dark during the day rather drastic at that age. How about things like highchairs and feeding himself ?

He certainly sounds a very compliant child. How is he developing otherwise. Perhaps his mum is just awaiting cues from him as to the timing of these changes. Difficult to really say much to her, and I'm certain you would not be the only one of her acquaintance to have these thoughts.

hth

You never see adults in cots, eating babyfood wearing a nappy. They will get there !!!!

On the advice of my health visitor (God love her, she had a use after all) I didn't start potty training DS until 3 and he was dry in days. She said it was pointless beginning earlier and friends who started their boys at 2 were at it for a year.

But the lying down in the dark bit ........... odd, man, odd.
Having said that, GRmum's points are interesting and they all reach the same point in the end, so what the hell.