Suitable punishment or suggestions required for 10 year old DS

[SecondhandRose]

My 10 year old DS is being a complete pain at the moment. We have given him what we call 'electrical bans'' which includes Game Boy/TV and Playstation but we don't seem to have any improvement.

Can anyone suggest anything? I don't want to ban him from Cubs as that's the only time he sees other boys other than his school friends.

He doesn't bring home his school bag or letters he is given. I don't know about school projects or what is expected of him.

He doesn't bring home his dirty kit when asked. It has taken him 3 days to bring home uniform that he didn't wear home on sports day. He doesn't brush his teeth or wash unless he is asked to do it. I have asked him to wash himself in the morning and use deodorant, he is not doing this.

He wouldn't dream of opening his curtains, making his bed or turning off his bedroom light in the mornings. I have to ask him over and over again to do this.

He doens't practice his guitar even though he agreed to practice for 10 minutes each day in return for getting it and having lessons.

He won't go to bed when asked, he messes around for as long as humanly possible or until I scream at him.

He is happy either on the Playstation, watching TV or playing his Game Boy. If he has an electrical ban he talks his sister into some trampoline action where she ends up crying after 10 minutes.

If he's asked to help with jobs around the house, many of which he is paid for he is not interested and sulks. He will basically do anything to get out of helping unless it's on his terms. Like he is angling for this week's Beano.

Sorry to ramble, what can I do?

DH and I are having a big conversation about what to do this evening. DH wants to sit him down and give him a massive warning about his behaviour. We have both agreed that his brain is probably frying at home with all the screen action it is getting so we are going to take advice and only let him play when he has earned it.

The problem with Cubs is that it is not until next Tuesday and guitar is on Wednesday and I need a punishment now.

Is stretching him on a rack legal?

How about bringing bedtime forward quarter of an hour earlier each time you have to tell him off etc? If you stick to it rigedly it works....promise.

When I was a teenager one of my friends mums used to not feed her children as a punishment. Most often used for untidy bedrooms.

Children were made to sit at the table with the family but weren't allowed to eat anything

It really did the trick - never had to be asked to do something twice in that household.

I'm a bit of a softy too, couldn't do it myself!

My ds (9) is the same, I have tried every punishment in the book as well. Have you tried popping in to school to get his teacher on side? They should be willing to post home all letters or leave them at reception for you to collect. (I am a primary school teacher and my school does that) you may find that he is working well at school or that there are some areas of dispute there as well.
Personally I couldn't withhold food, it is probably bad for a growing boy. I would leave him to his own devices and if he misses a guitar lesson or p.e because of his own disorganisation, that may teach him some responsibility. Have you tried a chart...in order to get pocket money/PS2 time etc you need to make your bed, do what you are told when you are told etc. etc. Also, give him reminders on the chart of what he needs to do on a daily basis (like bring his kit home)
Just a thought, remember, you are not alone, it is just a phase and don't give up
Have you read Raising Boys by Steve Biddulph? It has some interesting insights on how boy's minds work

I still can't see what he needs to be punished for I am not soft but sometimes you just have to accept that we are not all the same I have read down the list of things and they don't seem bad just irritating Let him forget stuff his teachers will soon tell him off

i love the parenting diversity - sorry if i offended noddy was meant lightheartedly rather than critically

mine is 9 much similar
we don't do electrical bans or withdrawing stuff but i make him sit with me - no talking, reading, game boy etc until he thinks about his behaviour attitude etc and is generally repentant - this does take time but usually lasts for a week in between bouts of pre teenagering.

custy not offended at all!Its just that my mum spent my whole childhood punishing me for those sorts of things and I honestly didn't know how not to forget things My ds says he is halfway up the road and remembers stuff he left behind but I don't think he does it deliberately he is just that type I agree it is annoying but I know he will change eventually through pressure at secondary school as people other than us will start to get fed up with him!

My ds is 11 and you could have been writing this for me except that with him his head is always in a book rather than on the playstation.I know many people would say this is good but we don't have to encourage him to read now.He is also extremely intolerant of his younger brothers aged 8 and 3 ,I know they can be irritating and I had a younger brother and can relate to that but mostly it is them who have to fit in with him and not the other way around,you should hear the tantrum if ds1 is picked up from school before either of the other two and we have to take a detour to get them!He just will not put up with any disturbance however slight to his life.This all came to a head yesterday and we had a massive set to tears etc,but still I came up to bed to find the bathroom covered in his clothes and the bathwater still in the bath,he had decided that his bedroom was too stuffy (it does get hot)so had moved into the spare room,I don't have a problem with this per se but I had laid out my clothes for a function I am going to and these were just flung on floor.He is waited on at breakfast,partly because dh can't stand the stress of ds3 spilling milk and cereal all over the floor but after breakfast rather than getting his things together and cleaning teeth he is lying on the sofa with a book!
I can cope with the book thing really because I am the same and sometimes have to work really hard at not stopping what I am doing to finish a chapter but it's the lack of consideration that gets me and the lack of care for his siblings,yesterday he was pleading for about 5 minutes for ds2 (who has mild learning difficulties and is a little immmature) to be sent to boarding school,I then had ds2 at bedtime crying because ds1 hates him and wants him sent away.
This makes him sound horrible and he is not in fact at school he will always side with the under dog and has "a very mature sense of justice" he has even in the last year come to the aid of a child being bullied so why can't he do the same for ds2.
If asked to do anything around the house he just refuses mostly or will do a small part of teh job so badly that you have to redo it.How do you make them do something at this age,he is stronger than me and if i get cross or upset he just ridicules me for "crying " as he puts it,I do have a tendency sometimes to cry tears of anger but I have to say not often.
Where has my caring boy gone!
I am not sure how to punish him,he hardly watches TV,isn't bothered about playstation,I can hardly take away all his books!
Sorry about the length of this rant but after last night really don't know what to do.DH just tells him off all the time ,he is a bit of a perfectionist and I think ds1 just thinks that Dad is unreasinable ,this is a good cop out for not trying in my opinion.

bump

Philly that is so strange my ds is the same at parents evening when he was only 6 they said he always fought for the underdog and had a real problem with any injustice I had to laugh at the bathwater etc as we are exactly the same here I have decided that he has a lot of character (that is what all the other parents say)so I will stick with that for now!We have had several big talks and tears and we always end up feeling bad so have given up a bit he is no better or worse for a good talking to

Absolutely Enid,do you do residential courses custardo!

agree with custy's fabulous suggestions..this should be about carrot as well as stick, as too much punishment without being able to earn treats is v negative

OK - unnecessarily shocking story but here goes. My parents were so unbelievably soft at disciplining my brother. They had a 'raise eyes to heaven' look and a 'boys will be boys attitude'. I distinctly remember my mum saying 'I like to do things for him, I don't think its right that children be made to do chores'. He became lazier and lazier, ruder and ruder. They never ever consistently punished him from a young age. He was allowed pretty much everything he wanted. My mum often threatened to take his guitar/Sega etc away but she never carried it through. He grew up lacking any kind of discipline, dropped out of school. Still my parents refused to be strict with him. They discovered he was smoking pot. Still they let him behave in exactly the way he wanted. Finally he developed a heroin habit and is now still living at home aged 23, gradually coming off drugs. He is totally unable/doesnt want to fend for himself and my mum is resigned to looking after him for years to come.

So there is NOTHING wrong with firm, consistent rules and EVERYTHING right with expecting respect from your children!!

I also have a brother who was the same as ds and now at 25 is the opposite My older brother on the other hand was ruled with a rod of iron like the rest of us and went down the heroin route himself so there is no way of predicting the outcome

well fine, but don't say I didn't warn you

No way of predicting outcome, but its what you can live with from a 10 year old boy. At 23/25 they're not your problem.

Custy

Respect

hello secondhandrose, just seen this! boy problems ahhh...no time to post now, but I'll be back later

Well he's currently on a GameBoy and Playstation ban and is allowed to watch TV if it's something we are all going to watch.

He is currently doing his history project as I speak and he actually seems happier.

He came to a couple of fetes with me yesterday and had some money to spend for himself, we bought loads of books and we had a good day.

Spoke to DH about not giving him so much if he wins Academic Achievement but DH is determined to buy him the new Arsenal strip.