Is my Granddaughter an ‘intelligent being’ , advice please

[ChiannasNanna]

I am asking this on behalf of my daughter, as she does not have Internet access. My granddaughter Chianna is just two years old; she was slightly premature at birth and weighed a little over 5 pounds. She had a ?tongue tie? that was eventually corrected at six months old, her only other medical problem was reflux that was treated with Gaviscon until she was about 14 months old.

She eats very little and recently when weighed she was 18 pounds, having put 2 ounces on in 8 weeks. The food she likes is cucumber, yoghurt, noodles and dried foodstuff like Cherioes, but these are all in small quantities, she does not have any problems with drinking, she likes water and milk.

The other problem that is most distressing for my daughter is the fact that Chianna has not slept through the night once. It is never the same pattern, she might wake crying or just get out of bed and ?go find? Mummy. She was taken out of her cot and put into a child?s bed about 6 months ago when she abseiled her way out of her cot and somehow managed it without breaking something or doing her self any damage.

Her health visitor and Doctor have said that there is nothing wrong with her regarding her weight and she is relatively healthy apart from colds so nutritionally they feel she is o.k. With regards to sleep everything from teething to colds have been blamed, and her Doctor even prescribed a pre op sedation for her to try and get her into a sleep pattern, all to no avail, it did not even touch her and made no difference at all.

She will sleep for anything from 1-3 hours before waking, and then she might only sleep anything from 10 to 30 minuets when it all starts again. She could have my daughter up anything from 2 to 6 times a night; in the end she usually takes her to bed with her and her husband jus so that she can get some sleep. She is a ?normal? active toddler, inquisitive and in the main very content, sleeps during the day for 45 min to an hour, sometimes in the morning and afternoon depending on how tired she is and how she slept the night before, and her bedtime is between 7 and 8 pm.

The final thing is Chianna gets very frustrated very easily, if she wants to do something she has to get you to do it NOW, she becomes even more frustrated if she cannot make you understand what it is she wants or wants you to do, leading to tears and screams.

I know I am going to sound biased, but I feel sure that most of Chianna?s problem stem from the fact that she is an ?intelligent being? and she does not know how to communicate that intelligence, and more to the point we do not know how to channel it or indeed measure it to see if that is the problem.

I asked my daughter to treat her as an ?intelligent being? by reasoning and by helping her to communicate better, rather than just saying, ?no you cannot do ? or have? explaining the reason why, and surprisingly that has made a small difference, she understands better, it?s just the answer she does not like! My daughter by the way is a qualified NNEB, having spent several years as a Nanny to three children as well as Montessori teaching before having Chianna.

Her development has been noticeable from just over a year old, and it is going at such a fast pace it is hard to keep up with her. She is tactile, can dress and undress herself, put on and remove shoes, she got the idea of toilet training in a day, in fact she was the one telling my daughter she wanted to go to the toilet, none of this ?do you want to go? (she ?missed out? on the potty bit, going straight for using the toilet) her speech and language comprehension is vast and grows daily, her memory and recall are frightening, it?s just that she has a problem getting the ?grown up?s? to understand her!!!

She clearly needs channelling and the health visitor is less than supportive in any way other than her health and well-being, A good example is that Chianna has never been content to press the tummy of a toy to make it move or speak, she will locate it?s mechanism by unzipping or unfastening it?s housing then remove it?s mechanism, make it work and put it back together again!!

So with this history and some knowledge of Chianna, is there ANYONE who can offer advice or suggestions please?? Are there other Mum?s whose children do not eat and sleep, or does anyone know if there are any way?s of testing a two year old that is going on ten??!!!,

All suggestions greatly received, many thanks,
Jo

Chianna sounds like a bright, lively toddler who is typically testing the boundaries. I too would hesitate to label any child this age as gifted - all kids are special in some way and development rates so variable.

I'd agree with Suedonim that it would help to channel some of her energies into activities like gym (is there a Tumble tots for example locally),story times, music and swimming (library or HV may have details). They can learn far more about themselves and the world beyond the actual activity in itself. Music, for example, can also benefit language, physical control and socialisation skills.

I have never really been a Mums and Tots sort of person but found that having a regular focussed activity helped my sense of isolation and confidence wonder if it would benefit your daughter too. Could you perhaps take Chianna to a regular activity sometimes and give her an occasional break ?

Activities can also help children to sense a structure to their week and may be sufficient to alter Chianna's routine and help her sleep better. I'd agree though that if your daughter really wants to crack it she will have to stand firm - not easy when you are exhausted in the process. Perhaps there is a sleep clinic nearby which may help.

I sense your frustration at only being able to do so much to help, perhaps not aided by distance, however I'm sure that your daughter appreciates your concerns and hope she can take on board some of the suggestions you have received. It is interesting to hear from a grandmother's point of view, especially to those of us many miles away from our own families (we're in Switzerland ) and hope you continue to post.

BTW if your daughter is thinking of getting Chianna into a play group or preschool within the next year or so, it would be worth her looking into it now as many have waiting lists.

hth

I do feel for both you, and her parents and of course Chinanna herself. I'm astonished that no-one has suggested that you or Becky get hold of a book called Solve Your Child's Sleep Problems by Richard Gerber. It changed my life! It explains some of the reasons why a child wakes, why they can't get themselves back to sleep - and more importantly, how you can encourage positive and regular sleeping patterns. It's a brilliant book, and I think that Chianna, being a bright child, will quickly get the hang of it and actually appreciate the clarity and consistency that comes from the introduction of a routine.

All the best

sed, it's actually Ferber not Gerber, but it's a great book and I used it with my ds.

Apologies if this has been said. I started to read the threads but haven't had time to finish due to other commitments. If she is having trouble communicating how about the sign language spoken about on other threads. It has probably already been said here and advice given as to what books are best or where to go to get the information but others have said this really helped their children communicate and eased a lot of their frustrations until they could communicate clearly.

Sorry if it has already been said. I'm currently in the process of trying to teach ds some sign language in the hope it will ease his frustrations as he gets older.

Sed - I used it too and it changed my life. You have to be consistant though as otherwise the children get the wrong message and you end up making things harder for yourself.

nanna - I too think you sound lovely and supportive and I sometimes wish I had such a close relationship with my Mum. Has you daughter tried controlled crying with Chianna? The book mentioned by Sed tells you all about this.

Good luck!

SofiaAmes - thanks for the name-check. That's what comes of sitting at work thinking I still have a brain!!!

Making a concerted effort to help her build up her vocab will help her to express herself and thereby reduce frustration levels for both her and all around her

Jo, I was just wondering how your daughter feels about chianna's sleep problems? How much of a problem is it to her? You see, when my youngest son was 2 years old, like chianna, he could wake up between 2 - 6 times a night (but more usually 2-3 times) and spent some of the time in our bed. However, I didn't feel hugely stessed by these interruptions. The reasons: both my ds and I would resume our sleep within 10 minutes, so I did not feel sleep deprived. Also, I was not in a job, so could lie in till 8.15 am at a push. All I had to do was get my oldest son to school. Plus I could catnap later on in the day.

As my son neared three years my dh began to get really upset that ds was not sleeping through. Unlike me, he could not get back to sleep when ds woke up. He missed hours and hours of sleep. Likewise my inlaws found my ds's sleep pattern a problem when we stayed with them. They are both light sleepers and ds woke them up, too. They used to sympathise with me about the sleep problem, when in fact I wasn't that worried about it. I began to try and modify my son's sleep pattern more for my husband than for me.

So, leading on from this, how much of a problem is chianna's sleep for your daughter? Is she hoping to cut down the wake ups to 1 or 2 a night or will she only be happy if her daughter sleeps right through? Her attitude, as others have said, is IMO so important in deciding a solution.

To give you some hope, my son's sleep problem virtually disappared overnight when, at 3 years old he started going to nursery for 5 hours a day. He's an active, sociable child and really liked having a group of children to play with. I just couldn't duplicate this at home, however much input I gave him. He got so tired there he began to want the peace and quiet of his bed. There is a thread I started on this.

Before that he had attended activites and playclubs for two hours or so, but this was not enough to tire him out for the night. All that happened was that he had an extra long nap after the activity and then would wake up refreshed.

It sounds like your daughter has had a really hard two years. You don't say if she is still depressed, but if she is, there are lots of theads on PND here as well. When I have had problems with my sons or life in general I have found it so comforting to read about other people in the same boat - and talk to them here. Finding that you are not alone and that others have been where you are and turned the corner is one of the great things about mumnset. At times it can beat any advice, even the most well meaning sort. So if it's at all possible for your daughter to log onto mumsnet she might get lots out of it. As a taster, you could buy her the mumsnet book on babies. It is a collection of edited threads and will give her an idea about the site.

ChiannasNanna, the government are launching a UK online programme which aims to give everyone access to the internet. If you call them on 0800 77 1234 they will tell you where your nearest participating centres are and will send you a guidance pack on how to be an 'Internet Angel'. Also many libraries, as someone else mentioned, offer free internet access with your own email address, etc. Just give them a call and book a session. Perhaps you could look after Chianna whilst your daughter has a look?

Also, ever heard of Gina Ford? She's very good I hear!