Breast feeding is the worst mistake I've ever made

[elsmommy]

I breast fed for over a year resulting in a very clingy 19 month old dd. Well, thats what I think caused it.
I have had just 1 night away from her since she was born and no one will even try and have her now because she just screams.
Shes kind of ok if I leave her with her dad but very unhappy so I've only been away from her for a few hours twice this year.
If me and dp are out and he tries to carry her she screams uncontrollably until I have her back.
This is really getting me down. I'm 21 and I still want some kind of life, but I just exist for dd right now

Elsmommy, my DD2 is a couple of months older and is EXACTLY the same with walking. It drives me bananas. I do try the 'hand or buggy' stark options but believe me I know how difficult it is especially when she bellows UUUUP and wants to be carried. I reckon it's a 'trying their independence thing' but it's maddening, isn't it.

Please don't stay in the flat all day - it'll just mean that when she does meet new people it's all even stranger to her. I reckon go back to other sessions and go out with her - she can bellow in the buggy till you get to the park and let her run free. I know it's tough. I honestly don't think it was the breastfeeding though.

I agree about saying goodbye, ds is very easy going and isn't usually bothered by me leaving him, he goes to nursery 3 days a week so I suppose he's used to it. But if I don't do the normal routine of cuddles, kiss and then say goodbye before I hand him over he screams. I think he knows that when I say goodbye I am definitely coming back, if I just sneak off he's not sure what's going on.

When I went to the mums and tots group I was sat on the floor with her and some of the other kids playing with the toys and she just kept climbing on me and clinging on round my neck. She makes funny screaming noises but no tears.
I am starting to teach her that if she has a tantrum I'm not coming running anymore.
When she was younger and cried I just used to stick her on my breast. When I stopped and she cried me and her dad just gave her anything she wanted.
Just over a week ago we decided she was turning into a spoilt bratt !! So now we just leave her till she stops.

I would definitely persevere with the M and T. You both need to get out and about. I would sit up on a chair with her and hold her in a 'boring cuddle' - sit there with her on your knee but don't talk to her or do anything. She may well soon decide that there are more interesting things away from you and investigate. Sounds to me as though she may be a bit overpowered by the other ids and you may have to sit through a few sessions before she finds her feet and feels more confident.

Lots of other good advice from others - agree about leaving her for short periods and saying goodbye properly. She needs to learn you will always come back.

elsmommy

dd was the same - worst from about 5 months till 2 ish, and still can be awkward to leave at 3 1/2. I really don't think it is breastfeeding related - it is separation anxiety and could well have arisen anyway through no fault of yours or hers. Some children just seem more predisposed than others.

In dd's case it would have made no difference had she been bottle fed. I'd left her with ebm from 6 weeks while I did a language course in the next room , with some babysitters, and ds(who ahs never been difficult to be left)and other tots and she'd yell through that too. Basiclaly if I wasn't there she'd lose it and becoem really distressed.

It does get better though. Gradually contrive friendly situations, inviting a mum and tot of simialr age to your home for example to encourage interaction , and join some activity groups, but in the beginning tell the leaders that you need to be the one to help her and as she learns the routine of a session she will start to join in anad gain more confidence but you need to go regularly for this to happen.

You have my sympathies - it is really hard work while this is going on but very rewarding when she eventually starts to let go. Good luck !

Thank you for all your advice. I will try the mums and tots next monday and see how it goes.
I just hope it gets better

it WILL get better elsmommy. but do be prepared for it getting worse first!
Have a look on the meet-ups section to see if there is anyone in your area... perhaps you could have a little quieter meet-up so that your dd gets used to being with other people/children but it won't be so full-on as m&t group.

I tihnk you're doing great, and well done on b/f for that long!

Just want to agree that it isn't bfeeding that results in this clinginess - my dd1 was far more clingy than dd2. Dd1 was bottle-fed and dd2 breastfed. I think it's more to do with personality. Have you spoken to your hv?

Love puddle's idea of 'boring cuddle'

My hv isn't really very helpful. But I do have a really great gp who I go to when I have problems.
Shes from america used to work over there with kids dds age. But her approach is very cruel to be kind. She says take her to my moms, say bye and walk out. She says tell my mom to just leave her to cry and when she stops I go in and make a fuss of her.
I don't like her getting too upset though

elsmommy,we all go through periods when our children won't accept anyone but us,and we all sometimes feel that we do nothing but sit in,surrounded by mess and whingeing children,however we feed our children.

If its any consolation, my dd was just like this at the same age.made my life hell. Remember a long w/end when friends came to stay being aBSOLUTELY RUINED BECAUSE (OOPS!)all she wanted was me-would hardly even let me talk to anyone else,let alone go anywhere.

Then suddenly it changed and she is now incredibly independent,so much so that Ialmost have to wrestle her to the ground if Iwant a kiss.

Well done you for b/feeding her for so long. A fabulous start!

I wouldn't mind betting that breastfeeding has nothing to do with your problem, Elsmummy! I have four children who've all been clingy, one of them formula fed, three breastfed. I don't really go in for the cruel-to-be-kind approach myself. Your dd still needs you for reassurance at the moment. If you make yourself available to her when she needs you she'll eventually learn that she can trust you and the bonds will slowly loosen.

I spent years sitting at toddler groups etc with a child on my knee, not joining in, but now they are all confident, sociable people. Try to think of your dd's attachment to you as a compliment - she loves you so much and you are the most important and special person in the world to her. I understand what you say about wanting to get out etc but I promise you, it doesn't last forever. In 15 yrs time, she won't want to know you!