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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

A bit of a sensitive subject

39 replies

Abitpersonal · 12/04/2005 19:41

I really could do with some help and advice on a very sensitive subject.

My daughter who is almost 5 has recently started putting her hands down below.To be honest I am not even sure if she realises she is doing it.
I have tried distracting her and telling her not to do it but she still keeps doing it. I am so worried that it has put me off putting her in a summer dress for school.

I would appreciate any ideas that you may have to help.

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

Socci · 12/04/2005 20:08

Message withdrawn

Goldfish · 12/04/2005 20:08

I work in a reception class and a couple of years ago we had a little girl who was always doing this. Her mum was really worried about it but none of the other kids took any notice. We mainly ignored her but sometimes the teacher would say everyone sit up straight and hands in your laps, which we often do anyway in order not to get fingers trodden on and she would be distracted and stop. She eventually stopped altogether.

ThomCat · 12/04/2005 20:11

When does she do it, when she is watching telly or something? I bet at school she'll be too busy doing stuf and watching and being constantly entertained by other kids. I can't imagine it'll be a problem at schol to be honest.

serenity · 12/04/2005 20:11

Does she actually do it at school or are you worried she might? DSs are the worlds worst willy worriers at home, but have never (to my knowledge!) done it at school. I think having a little chat about it being an 'at home' thing is a great idea, and (as usual) I totally agree with MI that you can combine it with the idea that it is personal, and no one else should be touching down there.

WideWebWitch · 12/04/2005 20:12

I agree, they shouldn't be stopped, just told not in public. Caligula, my 7yo ds still does this, as do many of the men I've known so I think the answer may be that men never grow out of that absent mindedly fondling their willy when they think no-one's looking thing.

Caligula · 12/04/2005 20:12

Oh God!

Original poster

Abitpersonal · 12/04/2005 20:17

HMOO - I agree that saying I was joking was a joke in itself but never mind.

Today she was doing it when watching tv and when I asked her not to she stopped and it seemed to me as though she wasn't sure she was doing it.
I think as my older dd didn't do it it was a bit of a shock. Hopefully it will pass like all of there little phases!!!!

OP posts:

nikkisherri · 12/04/2005 20:26

Hi, can I just say, I think its natural and something that your dd will just grow out of. I've seen boys and girls do that. They are naturally curious its part of their development.

My daughter was pulled up at school for smacking boys on the bottom in play when she was 6 because I had done that to her when we messed around in play fights together.

I went to pick her up from school 1 day and my dd told me her teacher wanted to speak with me, when I asked her why she wouldn't tell and looked so ashamed she couldn't even look me in the eye and she was terribly upset.

I then saw this teacher who in front of my dd and all the other mothers went on to tell me that she had pulled my dd up in class infront of her schoolmates and made her stand outside because of this terrible thing.

I was so angry that I arranged to to see the Headmistress of the school and complained.

My daughter was affected for weeks after and was very quiet and would not play with anybody.

I got a written apology from the school who said this teacher had dealt very wrongly with the whole situation.

Thats my example of how something like that or what you are describing which is really jsut innocent shouldn't be blown out of proportion or treated as something that they should feel ashamed of.

Caligula · 13/04/2005 13:23

Bloody hell NS, crap way to deal with something.

I'm always really puzzled when I hear stories like this, because I always assume teachers are trained to death before they're allowed to go into a classroom. Everyone I know who is a teacher has just had it drummed into them that this kind of thing is absolutely not on - and tbh, even if they hadn't been trained "out" of it, they wouldn't have needed to be, because it would never have occurred to them to use this sort of method in the first place. How come loons like this get to slip throught the net??!!

nikkisherri · 13/04/2005 21:24

I agree. My husbands from a family of teachers and they were stunned too. This teacher also used to make the children sit on the floor under the table when they were naughty apparently so you can see how daft her ideas were.

marthamoo · 13/04/2005 21:49

Both my boys are 'fiddlers' - ds2, even worse, is a...oh I can't put this politely..a "dry humper" (ie., he bounces around on settee arms and cushions and your leg like one of those horrid little dogs). They all do it to a greater or lesser degree. Ds1 is 8 and I just say to him that, as a rule, people don't fiddle with their willies in public (I said "Daddy doesn't, does he?" which is a lie, actually but never mind). Ds2 is harder to dissuade because he's only 3 and, tbh, I do find it embarrassing when he starts humping my friend's sofa cushion but I just say "Mummy doesn't like that - please don't do it" and try to distract him. They mostly do it when they're tired and, as you think is likely with your dd, often don't realise they're doing it. It's just a comfort thing - it feels nice - it's nothing sinister and nothing to be ashamed of.

Btw, ds2 was humping away madly the other night while I was cooking dinner and I shouted through from the kitchen for him to stop. He yelled back, "Just adore [ignore] me, Mummy!"

whatsername · 13/04/2005 22:05

Lol, I love 'just adore me' marthamoo

My ds is 6.5 and constantly has his hands down his trousers. Literally, all the time. He isn't even aware he's doing it, he reads with his hands down his trousers, watches TV with his hands down his trousers, walks round with his hands down his trousers... you get the idea!

I just tell him 'fingers', or sometimes physically remove his hands if he's close to me. I tell him there's nothing wrong with it, but it's something he should do when he's on his own in his room, not when there are other people around.

Dd has never really been a fiddler (except for a brief phase where she did a bit pf 'poking around' when going to the loo and then got sore) but she constantly fiddles with her tights/knickers. She frequently hoiks up her skirt in the middle of the street to pull up her tights/knickers! Mind you it's an improvement on the previous stage of stripping at every opportunity...

jane313 · 13/04/2005 22:25

I am crying with laughter at the just ignore me mmummy line.

marthamoo · 14/04/2005 09:28

I was thinking about this some more last night. I have only met two adults who have openly fiddled about with themselves in this way so I think most children must grow out of it at some point. I used to work with a woman who would grapple with her groin while talking to you - which was a little disconcerting. I also (oh this is the week for shameful confessions - first I admit to having 'known' a Young Conservative, now this) went out with a bloke called Adrian who was incapable of leaving his willy alone - he was always rearranging it, quite blatantly.

Perhaps their Mums never told them not to do it...

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